12 weeks and 6 months

Today I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

Today is also 6 months since we had our first loss.

I'm trying to feel comfort and joy in the fact that I am pregnant again and I've made it to that 'magical' milestone, although it won't feel that magical until I see our baby again next week at our scan. I'm quitey pooing my pants about that to be perfectly honest. Actually thinking about it (which is all I've done since 5.45 this morning) is giving me a headache. Naturally I'm expecting the worst, which is really negative of me but how can I expect the best when only the worst has ever happened.

So I am happy that I'm 12 weeks pregnant, but I can't get it out of my mind that this time 6 months ago my world was slowly crushing down around me and my heart was breaking and that I saw my husband cry for the first time ever.

I loved that baby so much, we called it Baby Woggie, s/he was due on the 15th of April 2009, s/he will never be born and I'll never know what Baby Woggie looked like, I'll never know what his or her cry sounded like, I'll just never know any of that and it makes me sad.

I feel sad for this baby. Losing Baby Woggie has made me not give it a name, not talk to it and not get attached. Apparently I'm doing all of that as a coping strategy to prepare myself for the worst. To be honest with you it won't matter, if I lose this baby it won't matter that I never gave it a name or talked to it because I still love it and it will break my heart if we do lose it.

So at 12 weeks nothing new is happening, I could be getting a bit of a belly but it could also be bloating. I'm still sick and still happy about it. Although I'm thinking of getting a pillow installed on the toilet floor because tiles are hard and I think I should sit on something soft!!!

As I said our scan is not until next Wednesday so still 7 more sleeps to go, not that I'm counting.

Other than that nothing else is happening.