Nothing...

Is what I am feeling.

Not happy, not sad, not angry. Just nothing. I have no expectations of anything.

I know that one day I will be pregnant and one day I will have a baby but I am trying to have no expectations of when that day will be. I have set so many goals only to have them come crashing down and leaving me in a state of despair.

First of all we were going to be one of those lucky couples that get pregnant first go. Then we were going to have a baby by the time our first wedding anniversary came around (yes that is less than 2 weeks away). Then I was going to be pregnant by Christmas then by New Years then by Dean's 30th Birthday and then By my birthday (less than 5 days away!)

Now the pressure is on from everyone that it holiday will give us the baby we want. I so desperately want to believe it but I am too scared to be. I am too afraid that if I get AF on our holiday it might ruin it so I am trying my hardest not to thinking about it. Not the easiest of things.

We have decided that we will start telling people of our fertility problems when we get back because we expect that people will think we are due to start a family soon after our holiday. We are not going to tell my family, well my father, and brother and his wife. Especially since the SIL thinks that we will resent them if they have a short TTC journey and that she gets pleasure from my pain and suffering.