Kidding verb (used with object)
1. to talk or deal jokingly with; banter; jest with: She is always kidded about her accent. 2. to humbug or fool.
I feel that we may be.
I remember Christmas 2006. Dean gave me a conception and pregnancy book. With a nice little note in the cover, then I vividly remember having Christmas Lunch at my Mum's house and smugly saying to him "This will be our last Christmas not as parents" It's funny I remember where we were both sitting, just like it was yesterday. In 2007, Christmas rolled around and once again I said "This will be our last Christmas without a baby." However I was starting to get a little bit wiser and I added "Or at least I'll be pregnant by then" Now as Christmas 2008 approaches I feel foolish for having said that, or even thought it.
This year we are saying "Surely we can't be unlucky enough to not be pregnant or have a baby by Christmas 2009." Yet a little voice inside me says "What if" What happens next Christmas if there is no bump and no baby. Where to from there? If you could give me some pointers I would really really appriciate that, because I don't know what happens if another year comes and goes and there is still no baby. Hopefully I'll never have to know.
6 comments:
All I can say is that you get through it somehow. This will be my 6th Christmas without a baby. Dec 31 2002 I clearly remember wanting to really party hard to celebrate the new year because after all, by the next year we would have been parents. It was not so, and by my 5th new year (last year) I didn't even bother celebrating at all I went straight to bed. But I'm still here and I'm still trying and hoping, just a little more toned down, a little scarred and bruised, but stronger and shinier like a diamond that's been shaped.
I smiled when you said you 'smugly said this will be our last Christmas not as parents'. My first two years ttc I had said many many smug things. But you know what? Why the hell ever not. Millions of other people get to say things like that without ever thinking it has jinxed them, they get to enjoy the fact that they said it and it became true.
I hope you have success soon and that you will have the baby your heart desires by next Christmas.
Hang in there!
I know what you mean, if we're able to adopt this could be our last Christmas with just us. I don't believe it though.
I really hope that this is your last year without a bump or a baby. But if it isn't, please know you're not alone.
I don't think you're kidding yourself...I think you're hanging on to that little bit of hope.
I really, really hope that by next Christmas you will be blissfully happy with a baby or a bump.
Love you lots
xoxox
I am so sorry. I'm in the exact same boat and it is so hard. This will be my 3rd Christmas saying that as well...and NYE...and birthdays...and Mother's Day...the list goes on. I have stopped saying it, but I still hold out hope and think in my mind about the possibility of having a new baby at Christmas next year.
I don't think you're kidding yourself. You have to have hope, otherwise you'll go into a really dark place.
My plan this year to make things better was to say that if by the end of the year we weren't pg, then I got a trip to Europe. It was something to look forward to. And although we've decided not to go to Europe because of the expense, we are planning a cruise to the Caribbean for early 2009, so that has helped to clear my mind of the ttc stuff. And we decided to do no treatments during the holidays so they weren't filled with disappointment. GL to you. I'm hoping that you get your baby before next Christmas.
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through everything that you've been through. I can't say anything to make you feel better. I'm happy for you that you have an appointment to start talking about the two back-to-back miscarriages and what might have caused them. I'm definitely a type A personality (you know, there HAS to be a reason for everything) and I know that it would make me feel better to feel like I was doing something proactive like that. Don't lose hope...
I'm so sorry that it's been tough so far. Sometime around last year, I was dreading to go home cuz I knew I would get all the usual same questions: where's the baby? and true enough, I got hit hard with questions from everybody. I got really upset and it turned into fear that i will never have a baby.
I hope this will be your last year without a baby. All I can say is fight the fight and I know it's tough when times get very hard, do know that I'm here for you.
(((hugs)))
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