You want to dump your crappy boyfriend but you cant, you love him and you want the end prize so much (him to love you), you just cant do it. You are constantly hoping things will get better that the boyfriend will change, he will treat you like you deserve. And something will happen and he will change, it will be nice for a little while and you will have hope, then things start going down hill again. And you lose hope and it's crappy again. It's the same with infertility! It's crap, then you think you could be pregnant, then you are pregnant for a little while you have hope, finally you can break up with infertility, then you have a miscarriage and you realise that infertility has got you by the throat, there is no escaping infertility. Unless you dump it and decide to be child free. That sounds easy enough, I've tried to break up with infertility, there are a number of problems involved with that.
1. If you break up with infertility and stop trying, there will be no babies.
2. I'm not the only person to consider in this break-up, Mr. Woggie has to want to break up with infertility too. And right now he wont even think that.
3. Plan B - I don't have one and suspect I should get one if I want to break up with infertility.
4. Everyone else. I don't know if I'm ready to let them down yet.
5. Once you break up, can you make up again and change your mind?
So as you can see, right now, even though I wanted to break up with infertility I'm not going to. My bleeding has stopped and I guess (if I was counting, which for the first time in 19 cycles, I'm not) I would be on CD 8, or there abouts..... But, we have officially decided to take a break from actively TTC for now. We will go back to see the FS explain what's happened since the lap and hopefully find out why my body rejects the babies my heart so dearly wants. Then we will go from there.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry about your loss. It's one of the most difficult things to deal with, as time goes by it gets a little worse but not for long. It's been 1 year since my 3rd miscarriage and I can tell you that the feelings of loss and envy (at others' pregnancies) does get better. The pain and the hurt will subside but unfortunately you will always bear the scars. Future pregnancies will always be an anxious time for you. I'm thinking of you and hope that you start to feel better soon. Taking a break is a good thing an really helps you to come to terms with what has happened.
(((HUGS)))
Wow, what a perfect post. This is one of the areas that "fertiles" just don't understand.
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