It's actually where I have been living for the last 5 weeks.
Since we lost the second baby, I kind of shut down. And not in a bad way at all, I turned off to TTC and infertility I ignored the fact that I had ever had 2 miscarriages and I felt better than I had in months. I don't even remembering even crying about the second miscarriage. That sounds so bad, but at the time, I don't think I was even over the first one. So I just blocked everything out. I blocked out infertility and back to back miscarriages. Until yesterday.
We went back to see Julie the FS, and it was a short but sweet appointment, she was very sorry for our losses and was really kind about it. Because of my history she is having every test under the sun done on me. I can't remember a great deal of what she is testing for, but I can remember;
- Anticardiolipin antibody (ACA) which causes clotting and thomboses.
- Auto immune diseases such as lupus
- Thyroid Function (I recognised that one on the pathology report! )
and - FSH (I knew that one too!)
FS Julie has now put me on;
- 5omg of vitamin B6 twice daily and
- 100mg of Asprin once a day
Both until I am 14 weeks pregnant.
The part that shocked me was she said that if I have 1 more miscarriage it will be straight to IVF/ICSI using blastocyst embryos.
Julie even mentioned that now falling pregnant is not my problem it is staying pregnant. That one statement made me feel deflated. I feel like screaming to the world let me be normal - let me get pregnant like a normal person and stay pregnant like a normal person. I don't want more problems.
Anyway we go back to see FS Julie on the 15th of December, I don't know what I want her to tell me. Part of me wants her to tell me she can't find anything wrong with me and I'm good to go. Another part of me wants her to tell me they found something so they can treat it and I can get better and have a healthy little baby.
I feel overwhelmed. I thought getting pregnant would take a maximum of 6 months (smug 'fertile' bitch t I was!). Then I thought after my lap I would get pregnant and look back on this all as a bad dream. Now I'm facing more problems and I don't feel prepared for it or ready to deal with it. I just want to have a baby. I don't want to pop pills to get there. I just want to be a normal fertile person.
6 comments:
...for some reason actually hearing an FS say there's a problems and then hearing their solution seems to make it more 'real'...even when we may have known something for months. I'm sorry you're going through all of this--
I think it's good you're having those tests done!
I don't actually know which one would be better; the tests to show there's a problem or that there isn't. My tests all looked superb but still nothing's happening and sometimes I think it would be easier if there was a clear problem that could be treated with medication...
Anyway, it's not fair that you aren't pregnant. But I have my hopes up for you :)
I want that for you too. Truly - I do. But you and I both know that you will do whatever you have to do to hold that screaming bundle in your hands.
A promise? We'll all be here every step of the way!
Don't feel bad about not crying, we all deal with m/c's differently, you will deal with it eventually. I hope you find answers. I've had those same tests plus genetic and chromosome testing and everything came back normal, then I had my HSG and everything unravelled from there. (((HUGS)))
I love your denial poster! I agree, denial is a much happier place to be.
I'm glad that you're getting the testing done and pray that it's the first step to a lovely new years sticky baby.
xoxo
I know what you mean about the tests. It is one of those things where you aren't sure which is the best answer - problems that can be identified and fixed or no problems and hoping that the next BFP is extra sticky and results in a lovely round belly.
As the others have said we are all here to listen and hope with you.
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