I'm in quite a strange head space right now. I'm awaiting AF, which I was actually hoping would turn up today so I could have my regular 29 day cycle, but so far no AF, with no sign of AF either. And NO it is not possible I'm pregnant, there was that mishap with the condom, but seriously people like me don't get pregnant from accidents, so let's not even go there!
On Saturday I had a HUGE breakdown and I mean huge. I thought I was coping however I'm not. I'd been bottling up all of my feelings about the miscarriage and on Saturday OH. MY. GOODNESS. Did they come out. So I've decided that I probably need counseling. I'm so so angry I can't begin to describe it. I feel so so sorry for Mr. Woggie who has put up with my massive mood swings over the last week or so. I was so bad, we had one of those "Make it, or break it" moments. Where either our relationship was over or we moved on. He actually suggested I moved out and away overseas...I know, I know, I can hear you all gasping as you read this. BUT there is a long story about why he suggested it and it was actually I kind gesture, a kind of "I'm letting you go, if you want to leave" kind of thing. Not a "Let's seperate because you are a psychopath, insane, hormonal harpie" kind of suggestion.
To be honest, I contemplated it. It has been something I had planned to do since I was about 15 years old, it was in my "Life's Plan" since all of that flew out of the window, around about the time I was 15 due to many, many unforseen circumstances, Mr. Woggie suggested it and I actually thought about it. I thought about giving up and giving in to endo and infertility and having a miscarriage. For about 10 seconds, it seemed like a good idea, like the only way I would be happy again. But then I realised that I would only be happy for a matter of weeks and that all my infertility demons would still be here when I came back. I also can't even contenplate leaving Mr. Woggie, we did a long distance relationship when we first got together and I hated every second of it.
So from here, the plan is for me to have councelling and Mr Woggie and I to spend more time as a couple. We've been so busy lately, I can't even remember the last time we had time to ourselves just to enjoy being a couple.
So yesterday we decided to go on a Picnic. We had a lovely time just relaxing under some beautiful gum trees and chatting and snuggling.
1 comment:
Sometimes those things 'sneak up on you'...I hadn't realized how absolutely obsessed I'd become over the last year either--and then we had a 'make it or break it' argument. We've been trying to schedule 'date' time together too. Crazy we already have to 'schedule' date time and we don't even have any kids yet....just thought of that. Yikes.
Hang in there. Be a fighter...don't give in to that nasty endo!
Hang in there....
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