My goodness where has the time gone.
6 months ago today I was having my operation to remove suspected endo. I was going into the procedure feeling confidentn and full of hope that in 6 months I'd be well and truly pregnant. And I should be. But here I am with an empty uterus.
I was convinced (stupidly) that I would get pregnant on the second cycle - because I knew 2 other people who did. And I did get pregnant on the second cycle after, only to miscarry, then I got pregnant on the fourth cycle trying, only to miscarry again.
Now 6 months later - I'm not feeling hopeful because it seems now the endo is a distant memory. I have a whole new set of problems to overcome now. Staying pregnant.
I never thought that staying pregnant would be a problem for me, much like I never thought getting pregnant would be a problem for me.
This worries me very much - it seems like at each turn there is a new problem to face. I worry that when I can carry a baby to term there might be something wrong with it, or I won't cope being a mother, or I'll have a traumatic birth.
I know it is terribly negative for me to think of all of those problems but I can't help it.
The last six months have taken their toll on me and on Dean. We are such different people now. We are scared that it will always be just us. And while that wouldn't be so bad, in reality it's not what either of us want. Not just yet, but it is a prospect we have to think about. There certainly are childless couples out there and they are childless not by choice but because infertility has come and swept the rug from out under their feet.
I'm in such a strange place right now.
7 comments:
It's funny... my story is so different, but so similar. After having a healthy baby, I never expected to have trouble staying pregnant. But here we both are - two miscarriages back to back - and it absolutely sucks. I have great hope for both of us though. There is such a thing as bad luck twice in a row, and we HAVE to believe that we will have a good pregnancy in the future. Otherwise we'll drive ourselves crazy. All my thoughts and prayers are with you. ((Hugs))
Oh Kirsten. I feel partly responsible for this...Im assuming Im one of the 2 you mentioned getting pregnant the 2nd cycle after their lap?
You have no idea how much I wish it stuck for you....
I really don't know what to say, except I'm here, listening.
xoxox
Hubby and I have totally changed as well.
I'm actually more optimistic now that I'm blogging bc so many bloggers have come forward with their own struggles to concieve-and the message is the same-they appreciate their child(ren) SO much more than the average person. I cannot wait to have kids, and I know that I will be a better mom than I ever thought possible.
You will too!!!!! Maybe this cycle will be our turn!
(((Hugs)))
I wish I could take you out of your strange place. I always hated looking at months, and for me, the end of the year was always the toughest.
I'm praying 2009 will be the year for you, hun. Praying very hard for you and Dean.
((((hugs))))
sorry to hear all about the end (i too have endo, but knew that I had it long before tyring to get pregnant). Sorry to hear about the misscarriages, women with endo have higher misscarriage rate (so don't blame yourself - youre not doing anything wrong, the disease makes it more likely that you misscarry but the good news is that you are getting pregnant, just have to work on them sticking around!). GOod luck
I am so sorry you are still in the trenches. I wish you all the best and hope the New Year is better for you.
Take care
It is such a dark road. Rarely good news. Mostly that is because we only want one outcome. It isn't like being hungry where any restaurant would do, there is one outcome and that restaurant seems far away on a dangerous road full of potholes. But people make it out. Lots do. Most do.
I think that the extra folic acid treatment for what I assume is MTHFR could REALLY make a difference.
You aren't out of options or treatment ideas. I hope you can hold on. When my cycle fails, I just get a negative. I know yours have been more violent and more traumatic and you are more ready than ever to make this end.
I wish that healthy child on you! Even 2.
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