More than anything in the world, I would love Dean to be a father. My heart melts when I see him with other children - he is just so fun and loving with them.
My heart aches to see him rub my pregnant belly and hold our own newborn baby. I feel so guilty and like a giant failure that I've not been able to give him the joy of being a father yet.
This morning I asked him about his friend 'M' whose partner has been pestering him to have a baby for years but he has always said no. I said "Has M given in and started trying yet?" Dean's response "Do you really want to know?" I knew instantly that M and his partner must be pregnant and that Dean (for very good reason) had been keeping it a secret from me. I just started crying. For someone who isn't a crier I'm doing a pretty good job at it lately. Apparently M relented and decided to give trying a-go.
It broke my heart that Dean will see M be a father before he gets to be a father. I felt so sad for him that while I know he would have congratulated M on the inside he would have been thinking he wishes it was him that was being congratulated.
It makes me feel so sad that they will never appriciate how lucky they are that they got pregnant straight away. I'm angry how they have that joy about pregnancy and expecting their first child, that has been taken away from Dean and I.
Of course while I cried he said all of the right things like "I don't blame you, it's not your fault, it will happen for us one day" but it doesn't make me feel better at all. Because even though it's not intentionally my fault, it is still the fault of my body. Dean is confident that he can get me pregnant again, I wish I could be confident in staying pregnant though, I'm so scared that my body is going to let us down again.
4 comments:
I feel the same as you. More than anything I want to see Pat as a Dad. I feel like I let him done every month when another cycle fails. I can see the disappointment in his eyes.
It must have been so hard to hear about yet another pregnancy. Cry all you need to my lovely.
xoxo
With regard to your last two posts, you have every right to cry. Both of those days must have been incredibly difficult for you, and with good reason. I remember that I used to look at the way my husband played with animals - so gently and softly - and think about what an amazing father he would make. It's hard to want something so much and not be able to make it happen. ((hugs))
I understand.
I am hoping that Dec,. 15th you'll learn that you there is something small you can fix so that you get your dream.
lots of girls are trying that ivig and intralipids with RPL.
thinking of you.
I know, I feel same the same way :(
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