Take a chill pill Kirsten!

I really need some, anyone got any good ones they can recommend me?

My heart feels like it is in knots constantly this cycle. I think it is because I want it so much before Christmas that I'm all worked up about it. I seriously don't know how or if I will cope if I don't get pregnant this cycle. It is ridiculous - I'm sure my BP is sky high. I'm feeling tired and lethagic and like I can't do anything except for obsess over becoming pregnant.

I've tried listening to relaxation music and it works until my mind wanders onto imagining myself lying on the bed listening to the same music either with a baby by my side or while rubbing my pregnant belly.

I know this amount of stress and pressure isn't good for anyone - especially a person who needs to stay calm. Julie the FS said that the stress hormones are not good for me. I feel like I might explode soon. I know this post is all over the place but I just need to type to get everything out in the hope that it will help.

I'm feeling so guilty that I'm not doing much around the house at the moment I'm just having the worst time trying to get motivated to do anything because all I want to think about it making a baby. Then of course I convince myself until I am that perfect Stepford Wife I will be unable to concieve or maintain a pregnancy because I'm just not good enough yet.

I'm stressed that I will feel shitty on Christams Day and I'll be judged for not being in a jolly mood - I know someone will take it the wrong way if I'm not perky and happy and dancing around the Christmas tree.

I'm just so so so so sick of all of this crap and I'm sick of people not understanding and thinking that everything is going to be ok. Even when it is ok and I have a baby I will be a different person. I feel like I'll never be at peace with the fact that it wasnt easy to have a baby or that I had 2 miscarriages before a successful pregnancy. I feel frustrated that people who get pregnant the first go will never and can never fully comprehend just how lucky they are.

I know that Dean tells me just because they have it easy getting pregnant and having a baby it doesnt mean their life is perfect and I know that is true but I'm so jealous that they have that. I'm being consumed by jealousy and rage that other people have it so much easier than us.

So where am I in my cycle? Day 12, getting very very faint second lines on OPKs since day 10. I'm not sure if that is actually LH surging or if it is HcG leftovers - I wouldnt have thought it was possible to have them 5-6 weeks post m/c but I have heard that it can take that long for HcG levels to reach zero. Although that is unlikely given mine were so very low in the first place.

I'm also stressed that last time I got my BFP and then had my m/c I didn't go to the doctors at all and it's worrying me that something could still be wrong with me. But that is also illogical since I have bled twice since then - once being my period. TMI.....the sheer amount of blood I lost when I m/c'd was phenomenal so in all honesty there is no real reason for me to be stressing about it the way I am.

We've also decided that should I be fortunate to get pregnant again we will tell everyone from early on. I know you should wait until the 2nd trimester and past the 12 week mark but the way I figure (which is not always that logical!) is that we tell everyone about the miscarriages anyway and me not telling people and not being able to blog about it stresses me that someone will find out somehow. So next time I'm going to announce it to the world and tell people loud and proud that I am pregnant. I want to be able to say that instead of "we lost another baby"

Anyway that is me wrapped up in a nutshell for now. Someone pass me those chill pills!