Sometimes I look at our wedding pictures and see just how happy we looked - we were so innocent, ready to start a family having no idea that infertility even existed, we had no idea 20 months down the track our marriage would not even come close to being what we thought. If it had all gone to plan we would have had a 9 month old by now and would be considering giving him or her a baby sister or brother.
But here were are still trying, each day infertility chips another little piece of happiness and hope away.
We had so many plans to choose from when we got married, we could have gone overseas to live and work but decided against that because Dean didn't want to leave his job here and not know what he would do when we came home.
We planned on renovating the house and moving into a bigger one - ready for our first baby.
We planned on traveling (we did do that at least!)
I wasn't going to look for a job or a permanent one at least because I was going to get pregnant and have a baby. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
On days like today when I'm not coping with infertility and everything is too much I reflect on the last 20 months and sometimes even the last 4 years and think I made all of the wrong choices. I think - if only someone showed me what it would be like to be infertile, would I choose this path - or would I have insisted on moving overseas and working on pursuing my career. Because of my own stupidity and naivety here I am; unemployed and infertile. An empty shell of a person with very little to live for in life.
I'm trying to change that - I'm trying to get back into university and change my career path - I'm trying to pull a few strings and get a job somewhere in the government doing something I'm passionate about, it will probably take a little while maybe 12 months -2 years to make things happen but at least I'll feel like I'm doing something. The saddest thing is I don't trust my instinct to make these decisions because everything I've decided in the last 4 years has turned out to be the wrong thing to do. I guess I just have to hope that after 4 years of bad decision making at some point one decision will be the right on for me.
So, would I do it all again?
At this point No, I would go back and change things.
Hopefully in 12 months I can tell you that having a baby is worth it and I wouldn't change it for the world and that I'd do it all again in an instant....Hopefully.
7 comments:
Hi,
I'm a lurker who never comments but just thought I'd let you know that your blog is so interesting and funny to read. I'm an Aussie living in Japan and I'll be honest, I don't struggle with any infertility issues but my best friend is going through infertility now and I wanted to do some research to try and understand the obvious pain and anger she has to deal with every day.
Blogs like yours help so many people who are misinformed about infertility or need to know they're not alone.
I hope you can feel a little better soon, the holidays must be a hard time but from the sounds you have a wonderful solid marriage and a long road ahead of you for whatever path you choose.
There are people from all over the world hoping you feel better soon!
Take care!
V
I can tell you this much. We struggled with infertility for 30months and the struggle truly tested everything I lived for, worked for and somehow my dreams were shattered. I really couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there are others who have struggled much longer than me but 30months was just enough to kill me.
I don't know how it's gonna work out for you but I do know that you will come to a resolution. I am really just hoping that it comes sooner rather than later cuz I feel sad that you are going through this heartache. No matter how rough the ride/journey, I'll be here for you.
((((hugs)))
I truly hope your dreams of having a baby will come true. I've been trying for 72 months, and I think that if I had to do it all over again I would, I have grown so much, yes I have scars and sometimes it feels like I'm heading for a breakdown, and I'm not even sure I'd be able to post in 12 months saying it was all worth it, but right now I'm in a good place and I wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for my journey.
(((HUGS)))
K, if you chose those other options, the universe would have probably gone loopy and given you quads...YKWIM?
sounds great about thinking of a new career path...might help you feel more in control.
Hope you are doing ok hon
xoox
Yeah, I feel like my life has been on hold for 6 years....
This post touches me so much. Those wedding pics - we are the same in ours. All my love my sweet
xxx
I know what you mean. I Have put so much of life on hold thinking we would have had our baby by now! Just wanted you to know that you weren't alonein these feelings...I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel!
http://www.wondrafulbaby.blogspot.com/
Post a Comment