One of my very best friends and I were talking yesterday, she is actually one of the few real life people that has the courage to ask about my infertility, how I am and what is happening, I appriciate that more than anything, it's nice to know that she cares. I know that lots of people from our real lives care - but they are never quite game enough to ask us how things are going - it's like the taboo subject that just gets swept under the rug, it's the elephant in the room. But not with Sarah, she said "I notice you have been quiet" which for me is probably quiet rare. That got us talking about what is happening right now and how I'm feeling and where we are going with this.
I explained that I don't know when enough is enough, how long do you keep going for? How many miscarriages do I have to go through to get a baby? I said that I just need an end date - so I know that I won't be living this life forever so my world won't always revolve around this. Dean and I will sent an end date if this cycle is not successful - we may not stick to it we may get to the date and have the strength to keep going, but I need to feel in control of this, I need to dictate what happens instead of letting infertility rule the roost.
Sarah and I also talked about how even though the odds are against you, you can still find the strength to keep going, you still have that hope that it won't be you. The example she used was that she doesn't ovulate at all - she lacks the chemical in her brain that tells her ovaries to ovulate. Yet she said she is still convinced infertility won't happen to her that she will be one of those lucky ones that somehow manages to get pregnant.
My example was saying 2 Christmases ago that it would be our last year without a baby and then saying it again last year and now I'm saying it again this year, I know there is a 50/50 chance that I'll be sitting here typing how this will be my last Christmas without a baby, next year. But there is something in your body that over takes the rational part and gives you hope. I guess without it you wouldn't try at all.
I guess that mindset can be applied to anything in life - if you knew the actual outcome of anything and knew it might not be a favourable one you would just give up.
Then this conversation reminded me of the great Billy Ocean song When the Going Gets Tough the Tough Get Going and it's really is true about infertility. It's a tough journey, one that most people can't begin to comprehend how it seeps into the very essence of the person you are, but we are tough and we somehow come out the other side in one piece.
Not much happening here, I'm 3 or 4 DPO. If I was temping I'd give you a report but I'm not so I can't do that. Obviously there are no symptoms of any sort happening just yet, hopefully there will be shortly.
3 comments:
Isn't it awesome to have a friend to talk to about this stuff? My best friend never really liked when I talked about infertility and miscarriage and then one day we just had it out w/ each other and I said this is my life and need to talk about it sometimes and if you are my friend then you'll understand and listen, and ever since then things have been even better in our friendship.
I did set a deadline too. At least that gave me a timeline to work with and move forward with other routes, if ttc-ing didn't pan out for us.
Your friend sounds very sweet. Yes, very true. Hard to find friends who can talk with you about such things. She sounds like a keeper.
((((hugs))))
Our mental capacity to take what we are given and mold it into a set of future goals is just a gift...or a curse...I'm not sure which.
When is enough, enough? Who knows.
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