CD 20 and still no O..

And it's not anywhere in sight. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the poster girl for things not going the way I want them too.

I know I am lucky and there are so many more people worse off than I but I'd just like something to happen in the fashion that I'd like to happen in for ONCE. That would be nice.

I can't conjure up anything pleasant to say about my reproductive system and the moment and it's probably tainting my view on things a lot. But I'm so angry. About a squillion things but angry that I've had to go through what I went through to get Master C and angry that it just hasn't happened this time. And I'm angry that people weren't supportive the first time round so now I've told no one we are TTC again and really have no one to talk about it too, because so many of my IF friends are still trying for number 1 so it seems sooo inappropriate to be angry when I already have a baby.

My regular cycle was the only thing I had going for me!

And now it's gone *insert eye roll*

Before I had the miscarriages the lap, D&C, hyst and dye studies my cycle was 28 days, then it was 29 days. After the miscarriages it was 31 days and now it's gone to 36 days. What is going on? Honestly my cycle length really was the only thing right about my body. I'm now up to CD 18 and I'm yet to ovulate, so I'm looking at at least another 36 day cycle, unless of course my LP has shortened too, and knowing my luck it probably has. We are having sex every second day all the same, hopefully it works. If and that's a huge if - I feel pregnant this cycle I'd be pretty much spot on 12 weeks on the day of Master C's 1st birthday party. I'd love more than anything to announce on his birthday.

I'm getting frustrated that I'm not one of those people that can want to be pregnant and it happens for right away. I know it's only been 3 months so far but I want to know what it feels like to get pregnant straight away - actually even more than that I want to know what it's like to have a successful pregnancy first time round, I can't imagine what that is like and (call me negative) but I don't think I'll ever get to know.

Master C is now 9.5 months old - he's at a lovely age, he claps his hands and 'dances' and is so close to crawling, every day is full of mischief at the moment! I'd so dearly love to give him a sibling close in age.

I'm think that I'll have to defer my plans to study again, I just can't find any family day care around our area and I don't feel comfortable leaving him in a childcare center just yet. I used to work in a CCC and saw what happened to non mobile babies!

2 years ago...

It was Mothers Day (like it is today) I was helping to dig up my mothers back yard and I got my period. It was the worst day of my life. I remember being miserable, cranky and pissed off at the world for not making me a mother already.

Although today wasn't a great day, that day back in 2008 hasn't been far from my mind and has reminded me that even though my first mothers day may not have been good - I'm so so so so SO lucky to have my little boy. I wouldn't change a single thing about him. He is the light of my life.

Trying not to try

You read right. I hate/d it when people would say things like that and then hey presto! be pregnant in a jiffy! I never got pregnant in a jiffy and to be quite honest I'm jealous of people who do. Still am, always will be. Especially those who don't 'try' for their second child and get pregnant again, really quickly. First time fertiles - I can somewhat handle. Second time fertiles - I cannot.

I don't think it's always been this way. I think after a year or so of trying for our first/second/third pregnancy I hated first time fertiles more. I think it's only now we are trying for our second (or not trying or trying not to try) that I care about people getting pregnant quickly with their second and subsequent children.

This whole trying not to try thing is so foreign to me now. I'm sure last time we did that for a decent amount of time, but I honestly can't remember TTC without the tears and the heartache at the end of each cycle. I'm trying my best to be a good little infertile and relax but I'm totally shit scared that it will take a long time again. I couldn't even cope and get myself out of bed in the mornings let alone looking after a baby aswell, I guess this time I'll have to be tougher about it. Who am I kidding? I'm a much more emotional person now that I'm a mummy than before. God help me, any anyone else who has to be around me during this time!

I'm trying to positive, really, I am. But TTC and positive just don't sit well for me.

Quilting up a storm.

I'm really not the least bit crafty, I made a quilt back in year 12 (that was 11 years ago, in 99) anyway at that time my sweet cousin (who is also my best friend) loved it. I told her that when she had her first baby I'd make her one (thinking that we were both too young, and would always stay young and never have children!) Anyway 6 weeks she gave birth to a beautiful little girl Ayda so I really had to get a wriggle on with the quilt that I hadn't even started!

I googled quilts for baby girls and got a link to The Moda Bake Shop Blog And fell in love with this quilt. However instead of using the Moda Coin Stack - I just used other fabrics that I liked from Spotlight, mainly because I didn't want to spend an arm and a leg on fabric when I can barely sew in a straight line anymore!



Anyway I've been sewing off and on for the last 6 weeks and am just about to do the finishing touches (the binding and 'quilting') This is what it's looking like at the moment.



Now I've got the sewing bug I've decided to make a quilt for Master C. I've found a pattern that I like and the fabrics I like so now I just need to make it all happen!

Other exciting things in my life at the moment are Master C sleeping through for the first time on Saturday night and for the second time last night (Sunday). We've been trying to communicate, settle, re-settle and use a waking 'routine' from Sheyne Rowley's Dream Baby Guide and we (I) stopped breastfeeding over night and it's worked a treat. It's not strict or hash like SOS is, but focuses more on using communication, food and daily play time to solve sleep problems than cry it out methods. I don't expect that he will do it every night but once every now and then would be great!

We have no been trying to concieve our second child since March. I was really hopeful it would happen first and second go but it didn't. I know that 3 months, 6 months or even 9 months isn't that long in the scheme of things but I was just hoping to be one of those people that could just fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. This time we won't be telling anyone that we are trying for our second baby or telling anyone until the 12 week mark - due to the lack of excitement we received first time round. So if/when it happens, I probably won't blog about it either, you never know who is reading ;)

30 things to do before I'm 30!

My 30th birthday is approaching (in a little under 2 years) and I've decided to make a list. Basically it's 30 things I'd like to do before I turn 30.

So far, I don't have 30 things. About 16 or so but this is it so far.

1. Have another baby
2. Read Anna Karenina by Leo Tolsty
3. Read Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
4. Get down to my healthy weight range
5. Grow my hair long
6. Dye my hair a crazy colour
6. Do Karaoke with Dean (I promised to do this on the day we met!)
7. Jump out of a plane
8. Watch Breakfast at Tiffany’s
9. Go to the dentist
10. Grow a vegetable patch
11. Do the Bridge to Brisbane (a fun run)
12. Do shave for a cure
13. Cook pasta from scratch
14. Volunteer
15. Finish 4 more uni subjects
16. Go without eating chocolate for 6 months straight
17. Read the rest of the Diana Gabaldon series.

Happy Half Birthday....

Yesterday was Master C's half birthday. 6 whole months have gone buy. I can't beleive it was half a year ago that I was holding my tiny (okay, he was never tiny)small (alright, he was never small either) newborn baby.

Mr Woggie and I had no idea what we were doing, maybe I should speak for myself here I had no idea what I was doing. I remember when he was about 2 hours old and he was crying probably just about being in the world and nothing more sinister the midwife asked me what was wrong with him (like I, a mother for all of 2 hours would know) my response "I think he has wind" I don't even think it's humanly possible for a baby of 2 hours old to have wind. Looking back now I don't think it was wind, I sure as hell know what that's all about these days and it wasn't that!!

Sometimes Mr. Woggie still says to me "What do I do" when Master C is upset and won't settle and I think "How the hell should I know" I have no idea. I just keep trying things to see if they work. My latest is singing in a ridiculously loud voice the lyrics to various Sound of Music songs. I'm certain my next door neighbour is sick of me singing "Doe-a-dear-a-female-dear-rraaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy-a-drop-of-golden-ssuuuuuuunnnnn-Mi-a-name-I-call-my-self-far-a-long...." you get the idea. I think it stuns Master C more than soothes him, but hey whatever works. Right?

Even though he is here with us, I still worry that he will be taken away. When he has been sleeping more than usual I have to go in and give him a little poke to make him move just to reassure myself. Then I see things on the news like a 12 year old going to school and getting stabbed to death, at school where is should be safe and I think what if that happens to us? How do you move on from that. How does your heart heal when you have met the little baby, got to know their personality. It scares me so much.