A New Year, A New Journey, A New Look...

As 2009 begins and Dean and I embark on a new journey I've decided that a new blog look is what I need. So over the coming days I will be giving my blog a face lift - If I can figure it out!

Hurdles....

There are many of them for me right now.

Overcoming this huge fear of miscarrying is certainly one of them.

My miscarriages both happened in week 5, the first was 5w5d, which will be this Saturday for me, so if I can get past Saturday without having a meltdown I'll be doing well! The other one was 5w1d, which I have already passed, thank you God.

I have been praying a lot recently, an awful lot. I've also been saying thank you to God more times than I thought humanly possible. But I'm just feeling so lucky so incredibly blessed and so amazed that I've been giving this opportunity again. And this time, I'm sure this baby is a sticker.

I don't have much in the way of symptoms, just lots and lots of the creamy CM which I got the first time I was pregnant and I gag randomly too! Which I love because it's a reminder of why I am gagging.

Dean and I are thrilled. I was so thrilled when I did the test I ran up the stairs without any pants on to show Dean the test!!!!

We told our families - I'm not sure you can say they were that excited - we got the congratulations but I guess they are just worried considering the past two pregnancy failures. It was slightly disappointing though, we were feeling so excited about it and wanted people to jump up and down and round and round. I know they will get excited in time, but I feel jibbed that I didn't get the reaction that a fertile would get announcing their pregnancy.

But at the end of the day the most important thing is I am Pregnant, I'm going to have a baby and Dean and I are thrilled and over the moon about it.

I'm back....with some news

I







AM








PREGNANT!!!!!!

5w1d today, due August 31 or September 1stish...not 100% sure.

I had BhCG done at 4 weeks which was 135 and again yesterday and 5w which was 2887.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on this roller coaster of a journey, I'm sure I've not been easy to live with, or read at times. Thank you for sticking by me and encouraging me every step of the way.

So who voted, December on my poll?

2008 - What a year!

Although it probably doesn't sound like it from my constant crapping on 2008 hasn't been all bad. It's been a year of extreme highs and extreme lows.

Here's a bit of a photo gallery of 2008. I'm doing it now as with Christmas coming up it's going to be hectic and we won't be home from the 24th of December until the 30th of December. Then we are going away again on the 10th of January until the 16th.

Bringing in the New Year, looking forward to a fresh start.


Celebrating Dean's 30th Birthday in March


Our Holiday to Europe in March and April


Our first wedding anniversary in Russia




Successful home renovations completed.
Before:




After




Michael Buble with Mum


Our first BFP


Our first miscarriage


Great night out with friends at a charity ball - and THAT block of chocolate!




A fantastic day at Oktoberfest with the in laws


Our second BFP and our second miscarriage


A Natural Disaster




A trip to Melbourne to meet good friends

Kiss Me! I'm Irish!

Well I'm not actually, but that's very beside the point I'm trying to make. I think I'd like to be Irish, they seem to have so much fun, all those jigs and bagpipes, sound's like heaven to me!

Last night Jo and I went to the Casino and ate our buffet dinner - at the new and improved Blackjacks restaurant, we had our mandatory 3 frozen daiquiris, there were so many people out last night it was not funny. After that we walked to the Irish Club.

A brief background on the Irish Club thing....

Jo and I went to uni together. Jo used to be in the Queensland Irish Association Bagpipe Band, she was a drummer (a really good one at that - she can twirl her furry drumsticks around in many different ways!) Bruce is the head honcho bagpiper in the band. Bruce and Dean went to school together. Dean went out with Bruce on the 26th of January 2005 to a gig, I went to the same gig with Jo. Jo and Bruce and to go and do band warm up, Dean and I were left standing on the pavement talking to each other!

So you get the significance of the Irish Club now, and why we went there!

The Irish Club has recently been renovated they used to just have Bag Piping music and maybe a few dancers and perhaps another band, it was ok entertainment but a bit old school. Anyway with the new renos a band called Murphy's Pigs has been created. Bruce is in the group - the only Bag Piper in the group, he plays the electric pipes - who knew such wonderful things exisited! They are fantastic! I had a great time sitting around with people who I met the same day I met Dean, they somehow seem like family and obviously bring back very happy memories. Dean and I have decided that we are going to go to the Irish Club for New Years because Murphy's Pigs are playing through the night!

While I'm bragging about my friend Bruce (he played the bagpipes at our wedding!) Here is a you tube clip of him playing the pipes for Andre Rieu when he was touring in Brisbane!



Anyway I had a great night! It was wonderful to be carefree and not thinking about test day next week.

On that topic - I've still got tender breasts, although they are only tender to touch not to jiggle around! I'm not sure if tender breasts includes only tenderness when you poke them? I've also got creamy CM and I'm certain that is something I always get about a week after ovulation.

Thank you all for the most overwhelming and amazing support over the last few months, you've all managed to spur me on when I need it. Thank you and much love xoxox I hope that I can share some joyful news with you all soon.

Somebody stop me!

If I had internet cheapie HPT's in the house I would test. WHAT AM I THINKING?

1. I've never had a positive on an ebay cheapie, even when I was pregnant so I would only end up disappointed.

2. I'm only 10DPO and I know perfectly fertile people get positive HPTs that early, but I'm seriously not one of those perfectly lucky fertile people.

3. I wouldn't be using FMU, which is probably essential at this point.

4. I would bet almost anything that I'm not pregnant, I have all of my pre-AF symptoms.

Other than that crazy outburst of feeling the desire to test (I did just empty my bladder so I couldn't) Nothing of interest is happening in the TWW, I've still got sore boobs that come and go. And I've decided that I need a colour chart for my nipples, I noticed in both pregnancies my whitey mc whitey nipples went a darker colour, but It's so hard to actually tell if they look darker or if it's just the light at the time, so a nipple colour chart would be ideal right about now.

I'm having a bit of an angry day today, I'm not sure why. It could be the fact that I literally cried myself to sleep last night, Dean came home and found me as a blubbering mess at midnight, poor guy. He was wonderful though - he went put the air con on for me it was 30 degrees in our bedroom at midnight! Then he got me my drink bottle and filled it with chilled water, got my aspirin (that I forgot to take) and then he just sat and stroked my arm and face until I fell asleep. I really am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Sometimes I forget that.

Tonight I'm going out with my wild friend Jo. Jo has lived all over the world for the last few years and I've missed her. I've flown to see her in various places from time to time and we always catch up when she comes home! Now she is home for good though forever! Jo is wild, she isn't married and is very happily not married, she has no idea about any of my infertility or my losses which I love because she still treats me like the person I was before all of this. Anyway I'm sure I will have a great time I'm actually really looking forward to being normal.

This is us last Christmas drinking our frozen daiquiris at the Treasury Casino (that is where were always start our nights out!)

Jo on the left, me on the right!

It's been...

Today is 4 months since we lost Baby Woggie.

I've been feeling terribly flat all day long. I just can't stop thinking about that day. It still feels like it was just a bad dream, I wish it was. The last 4 months has changed me as a person so much. I wish I could say it's changed me for the better, but I don't think it has.

I'm sure that in the end of all this I'll be able to look back and see that it's made me a better person, I don't know how. I'm a crankier wife, daughter and sister, I'm much less tolerant of stupid people and their stupid comments, I'm negative on a more regular basis and I cry a lot. I promise I do have good days too! Usually days when I'm too busy to think about it. Working a few hours a day has been great to get my mind off it, even though I don't love the work, I love that my mind is taken off infertility and loss for 5 hours.

I'm still in the TWW, about 9DPO I think. Nothing is happening to my body, so I suspect my worst fears will be confirmed and I'll get AF sometime early next week. I know many people say that they had no symptoms at all early on. But for me the lack of symptoms is very telling, I had major symptoms for my first pregnancy and the second they went I just knew something was wrong. I do have sore boobs, but I always have sore boobs before I get my period. So I guess we wait.

It's common you know?

I've heard that so many times about my infertility and now my miscarriages. And although these comments are well intentioned (aren't they all!) it doesn't make me feel any better. When I hear this I usually smile and say how I know how common it is but inside I'm screaming "I don't care how common it is, I still feel like crap, I still feel alone in this" I would also like to point out that 1 in 10 couples experience infertility, being fertile is far more common that being infertile. And according to birth.com.au of known pregnancies 15-20% will end in miscarriage, again, more pregnancies are successful than not.

I seem to always fall in the category of small statistics. Infertility, endo, miscarriage, child-hood sexual abuse, divorced parents, the list goes on. Dean thinks that it means I should buy a lotto ticket, because the odds are small and I'm more likely to win! Perhaps I should!

I'm literally counting down the seconds until I can test. I don't have anything to suggest pregnancy symptoms but then I know that doesn't always mean anything. In my first pregnancy I did have many symptoms in the TWW - so I kind of expect the same thing for any pregnancy.

I'm trying to put on my happy pants and find something each day that makes me happy. Dr. Julie told me that is very very important for me.

Unlucky....

That is the official diagnosis at this point.

All the tests for the following came back within normal ranges.

PLT RCC MCV WCC - platelets, red cell count, mean cellular volume, white cell count
PT APTT FIB - time it takes your blood to clot & components of the clotting
CRP - non-specific inflammatory marker
CHB - not sure of this one
TSH Thyroid
C3 C4 - more inflammatory markers - part of your immune system
ANA - anti nuclear antibodies - looking for lupus or auto-immune disease
ADNA - anti dna antibodies - same sort of thing as above
ENA - same as above
TRAB TMA ATG - autoimmune thyroid disorders, blood test looking at a specific group of white blood cells (lymphocytes), but not sure on ATG
ACB - not sure but something to do with heart.
FVL - not sure
PEI - not sure
THROMB - something to do with DVT
AT3 PROTC SAG APC DELKCT - no idea
SCP-390 - no idea

Yes I had quite a lot of blood extracted that day!

I know I should feel happy about that - I'm ok and that is good. But I now have this scared feeling that I am ok - so why the hell has it happened twice and will it happen again?

I'm at a slightly higher chance of miscarrying again Julie said about 30% which is only 5% higher than normal but it's still 5% higher than normal.

So what now? We keep trying to get pregnant. IF I'm not pregnant by February she would like to start IVF, if I get pregnant and have another miscarriage she would like to do IVF with ICSI with genetic testing of the embryos to see if that is a cause of miscarriage.

What do we think of that? IVF we can probably scrape together enough money for a cycle or two - as for the genetic testing, I'm pretty sure we would have to sell a car or rob a bank.

We are hoping for third time lucky. I'll test next week sometime - I'm normally not a tester but I really want to know how I'll be feeling on Christmas day - elated or disappointed. Dr. Julie has already given me the pathology referrals for BHCG one for the day I find out I'm pregnant and one for a week later. Hopefully I'll get to use them and not shred them in the shredder.

So for now I'm about 5-7DPO, I've had minor cramping, yesterday I had loads of creamy CM and tender breasts. So great signs of pregnancy, also great signs of AF - gotta love that!

6 months....

My goodness where has the time gone.

6 months ago today I was having my operation to remove suspected endo. I was going into the procedure feeling confidentn and full of hope that in 6 months I'd be well and truly pregnant. And I should be. But here I am with an empty uterus.

I was convinced (stupidly) that I would get pregnant on the second cycle - because I knew 2 other people who did. And I did get pregnant on the second cycle after, only to miscarry, then I got pregnant on the fourth cycle trying, only to miscarry again.

Now 6 months later - I'm not feeling hopeful because it seems now the endo is a distant memory. I have a whole new set of problems to overcome now. Staying pregnant.

I never thought that staying pregnant would be a problem for me, much like I never thought getting pregnant would be a problem for me.

This worries me very much - it seems like at each turn there is a new problem to face. I worry that when I can carry a baby to term there might be something wrong with it, or I won't cope being a mother, or I'll have a traumatic birth.

I know it is terribly negative for me to think of all of those problems but I can't help it.

The last six months have taken their toll on me and on Dean. We are such different people now. We are scared that it will always be just us. And while that wouldn't be so bad, in reality it's not what either of us want. Not just yet, but it is a prospect we have to think about. There certainly are childless couples out there and they are childless not by choice but because infertility has come and swept the rug from out under their feet.

I'm in such a strange place right now.

Keep on Keeping On

One of my very best friends and I were talking yesterday, she is actually one of the few real life people that has the courage to ask about my infertility, how I am and what is happening, I appriciate that more than anything, it's nice to know that she cares. I know that lots of people from our real lives care - but they are never quite game enough to ask us how things are going - it's like the taboo subject that just gets swept under the rug, it's the elephant in the room. But not with Sarah, she said "I notice you have been quiet" which for me is probably quiet rare. That got us talking about what is happening right now and how I'm feeling and where we are going with this.

I explained that I don't know when enough is enough, how long do you keep going for? How many miscarriages do I have to go through to get a baby? I said that I just need an end date - so I know that I won't be living this life forever so my world won't always revolve around this. Dean and I will sent an end date if this cycle is not successful - we may not stick to it we may get to the date and have the strength to keep going, but I need to feel in control of this, I need to dictate what happens instead of letting infertility rule the roost.

Sarah and I also talked about how even though the odds are against you, you can still find the strength to keep going, you still have that hope that it won't be you. The example she used was that she doesn't ovulate at all - she lacks the chemical in her brain that tells her ovaries to ovulate. Yet she said she is still convinced infertility won't happen to her that she will be one of those lucky ones that somehow manages to get pregnant.

My example was saying 2 Christmases ago that it would be our last year without a baby and then saying it again last year and now I'm saying it again this year, I know there is a 50/50 chance that I'll be sitting here typing how this will be my last Christmas without a baby, next year. But there is something in your body that over takes the rational part and gives you hope. I guess without it you wouldn't try at all.

I guess that mindset can be applied to anything in life - if you knew the actual outcome of anything and knew it might not be a favourable one you would just give up.

Then this conversation reminded me of the great Billy Ocean song When the Going Gets Tough the Tough Get Going and it's really is true about infertility. It's a tough journey, one that most people can't begin to comprehend how it seeps into the very essence of the person you are, but we are tough and we somehow come out the other side in one piece.



Not much happening here, I'm 3 or 4 DPO. If I was temping I'd give you a report but I'm not so I can't do that. Obviously there are no symptoms of any sort happening just yet, hopefully there will be shortly.

On the 14th day past ovulation....

My true love will say to me,
Kirsten are you going to do a pee test for me...

Yes, I know, I'm turning everything into a Christmas Carol at the moment and it's just not cool! And Dean probably would never say that. He is not one to ask about testing. In fact during the second week of the two week wait we don't even speak about the possibility of being pregnant or not being pregnant - we just pretend it's not there.

Of course that's not to say I don't count down the hours minutes and seconds until I test, I do! I literally go crazy in those last few days. Actually that's a lie I'm two days into the wait and I'm going crazy already!

I'm collating a way to keep my mind of things....help me create a list of how I can do it and I'll update your suggestions in this post...

☺ Keep making Christmas Decorations
☺ Bake
☺ Get a job (probably not that easy at this time of the year, but I'm hoping to do some relief work at a childcare centre over the next few weeks)

Yaya's suggestions
☺Read the Twilight books
☺Blog
☺Knit
☺Walk the dogs
☺Yoga
☺Acupuncture

Cara's suggestions
☺ Meditate
☺ Scrapbook (Which reminds me - I need to finish some off!)

Miracles.

I've been meaning to write something about the over use of the word miracle for a while now - but something happened yesterday that promoted me to write this.

I have issues with people using the world miracle to describe lucky or fortunate events. I have big issues with it and I don't know why, if people want to call something a miracle then who am I to argue? (I'd like to point out I don't usually argue, most of the time I just scoff to myself) But not yesterday, yesterday something annoyed me.

I read a post on a forum about pregnancy and birth - many of you know the one I'm talking about. It was titled "Miracles do Happen" or something like that. It was posted in the infertility section of the board. The young lady who posted it was 20 weeks pregnant and had found out at her 20 week scan she should have been infertile because of some condition she had, however wasn't it amazing that she conceived her first go? She wanted to give the infertiles of the board hope that because she didn't know she was infertile (or supposed to be) she got pregnant in her first cycle of trying.

A lot of the infertiles on the board came out of their safe sanctuary and said that no that story didn't give them hope - because while being told you should be infertile actually being infertile and living the infertility roller coaster is a very different matter indeed.

I pointed out that while she was lucky that she wasn't infertile - I didn't consider her circumstances to be miraculous. Because I don't, it is amazing that she beat all odds and got pregnant when according to her doctor at her 20 week scan she shouldn't have - but she did. She didn't live through infertility to get that baby, so for me that is a case of good luck - not a miracle. Had circumstances been different and she was told before she started trying to concieve and it took her years and years to fall pregnant well yes that would have been miraculous.

I think IVF babies are miracles, I think people over coming infertility to beat the odds is a miracle. I don't even considering me getting pregnant or having baby to be miraculous. I'll know I'm bloody lucky to experience the joys of motherhood and being pregnant but I don't think my circumstances stand up to miracle status.

By the way the definition of a miracle according to dictionary.com is;

1. an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

2. such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.

3. a wonder; marvel.


Anyway I'll jump off my soap box for now!

Things here are going, slowly but going!
I assume I'm in the TWW now. I got 2 positive OPKs....clever aren't I! One on CD 16 the other on CD 17 and yesterday's CD18 one was negative...So now we begin the last two week wait for 2009. It will be an apprehensive time and I seriously hope I start throwing up in the next week or two!

We got our bill from the pathology place yesterday it came to the grand total of $439.00 - which seems a bit wrong because if you add up all the itemised costs it only totals $271.00, so I'll have to call them and speak to them about that. I always find them to be rude and condescending and I'm not feeling in the mood for it so they had better watch out!

All I want for Christams Is YooooUUUUUuu BABY!

Yes, I'm singing! I can't help myself! I'm not in the least bit interested in Christmas this year - infertility being the major player there.

But I surprised myself today and bought a Christams CD - A whole CD dedicated to putting ridiculously irritating songs in my head for the next four Christmases - but I thought, one day, one Christmas I might just have a little person to dance around to those songs with. I hope.

It's also very appropriate that track 11 on my CD is the song "All I Want For Christmas Is You" Not the Mariah version either. Some Australian Choir version - I couldn't find that on you tube!





And it is so true - All I want for Christmas is a Baby - that's not going to happen so I would gleefully settle for a positive home pregnancy test. I've been joking with my friend Z that if I get a positive HPT in the days leading up to Christmas that I'm going to buy a whole pack of the buggers and pee on them and wrap them up and given them to everyone as their Christmas gifts. Most people probably won't appriciate the crusty gesture of my absorbed urine, I don't know why! But I figure I've traveled a hard road and I'm entitled to be ridiculously happy if my one true Dream comes true.

I did another OPK today it was stronger than yesterdays - so that means that I'll now be ovulating between now and CD19 - It's starting to get a little late in my cycle for my liking. I've always felt sorry for people with long cycles, because it seems like they are missing out on more chances to make a baby and here I am gradually getting a longer cycle. This will be something I'll speak to Julie about I think.

The Christmas Spirit is calling me once more - I'm off to make some Christmas decorations - I'll show pictures when I'm finished some!

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot!!!

I'll tell you what! Right now is not the best time to be making (or trying to make) a baby. For the last 2 days it's been 31-32 degrees INSIDE the house! And if that isn't enough - the humidity has been around 80% nice, really nice. It's kind of like having your own sauna quite lovely really....NOT - I hate sauna's I've never been a fan of sitting in a room full of steam, sweating my butt off. Just not my thing really, ironically I live in a city that makes you feel like that all summer long - I always have and probably always will.

Of course that amount of humidity means wonderful storms in the afternoon or evening, they are quite spectacular to watch, although now every time a storm hits I worry about my Mum, I just can't help it - for one whole week we were getting water out of her downstairs area. She is yet to have the Insurance assessors come over - I suspect they are quite busy - according to news.com.au the damage bill will likely exceed about $25 million (AU). She does have the phone on now - she was about 2 weeks without it, her pool is starting to look a lot better now - you still can't see the bottom much for all the silt and dirt! Dean spent a good 3 hours vacuuming it the other week and there is still a few hours to clean it up to go. Across the road from her house they have made the park into a green waste area - so all of the fallen trees were taken to that park. Now they have all been chipped and there is 4 piles of chips that are about 5m high by 5m wide and probably 10 long. It's quite a sight.

On Friday night - I was at breaking point - everything seemed to hit me all at once, it had actually been building up (as you can tell from my neurotic posts last week) and on Friday night a disaster in the bedroom made me break. I honestly felt like I was done like I couldnt keep going on with this infertility thing, but since getting it all out I've been feeling remarkably clear headed and not so stressed and anxious.

I'm still reading "An Empty Picture Frame" and I think that it is helping me - because the autor has so eloquently described how I have felt on so many occasions that I've never been able to put words too. If you are a fertile and know a fertile, I really reccomend you read this book to try to get a small understanding of how it can feel to be infertile. If you are an infertile and have not read the book - I highly reccomend you do. There are funny parts and sad parts but it has helped me to feel comfortable with being infertile, well, comfortable for now.

In other news, I'm CD16....still waiting to ovulate *insert eye rolling emoticon here* Ovulating on time has always been my fortay, sure there has been the odd cycle where it's been late, or early but for the most part - I've been a regular 'O'er' for a long time. Not now it seems. I'm glad I stuck it out with the OPKs this month - I've been doing them since CD10 getting light lines and I was worried that there was something seriously strange going on. The OPK I did today came back positive so I guess that means I'll ovulate sometime between now and CD18. Which means I don't know when I will get AF....which I hate. All my cycles since the lap have been 31 days, except for the last one which was 29 days. It will be interesting to see what happens this time round - I'll be placing my money on a 31 day cycle given my late ovulation....which means I'm not going have that much time to get over disapointment in time for Christams if I get my period. Anyhow, for now I'm still holding onto hope of giving all my family wrapped up positive HPTs for Christams.

Would you do it all again?

If someone told you, showed you, made you feel the lowest of the lows on this infertility journey? If you could go back in time would you choose this path all over again?

Sometimes I look at our wedding pictures and see just how happy we looked - we were so innocent, ready to start a family having no idea that infertility even existed, we had no idea 20 months down the track our marriage would not even come close to being what we thought. If it had all gone to plan we would have had a 9 month old by now and would be considering giving him or her a baby sister or brother.



But here were are still trying, each day infertility chips another little piece of happiness and hope away.


We had so many plans to choose from when we got married, we could have gone overseas to live and work but decided against that because Dean didn't want to leave his job here and not know what he would do when we came home.

We planned on renovating the house and moving into a bigger one - ready for our first baby.

We planned on traveling (we did do that at least!)

I wasn't going to look for a job or a permanent one at least because I was going to get pregnant and have a baby. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

On days like today when I'm not coping with infertility and everything is too much I reflect on the last 20 months and sometimes even the last 4 years and think I made all of the wrong choices. I think - if only someone showed me what it would be like to be infertile, would I choose this path - or would I have insisted on moving overseas and working on pursuing my career. Because of my own stupidity and naivety here I am; unemployed and infertile. An empty shell of a person with very little to live for in life.

I'm trying to change that - I'm trying to get back into university and change my career path - I'm trying to pull a few strings and get a job somewhere in the government doing something I'm passionate about, it will probably take a little while maybe 12 months -2 years to make things happen but at least I'll feel like I'm doing something. The saddest thing is I don't trust my instinct to make these decisions because everything I've decided in the last 4 years has turned out to be the wrong thing to do. I guess I just have to hope that after 4 years of bad decision making at some point one decision will be the right on for me.

So, would I do it all again?

At this point No, I would go back and change things.

Hopefully in 12 months I can tell you that having a baby is worth it and I wouldn't change it for the world and that I'd do it all again in an instant....Hopefully.

Take a chill pill Kirsten!

I really need some, anyone got any good ones they can recommend me?

My heart feels like it is in knots constantly this cycle. I think it is because I want it so much before Christmas that I'm all worked up about it. I seriously don't know how or if I will cope if I don't get pregnant this cycle. It is ridiculous - I'm sure my BP is sky high. I'm feeling tired and lethagic and like I can't do anything except for obsess over becoming pregnant.

I've tried listening to relaxation music and it works until my mind wanders onto imagining myself lying on the bed listening to the same music either with a baby by my side or while rubbing my pregnant belly.

I know this amount of stress and pressure isn't good for anyone - especially a person who needs to stay calm. Julie the FS said that the stress hormones are not good for me. I feel like I might explode soon. I know this post is all over the place but I just need to type to get everything out in the hope that it will help.

I'm feeling so guilty that I'm not doing much around the house at the moment I'm just having the worst time trying to get motivated to do anything because all I want to think about it making a baby. Then of course I convince myself until I am that perfect Stepford Wife I will be unable to concieve or maintain a pregnancy because I'm just not good enough yet.

I'm stressed that I will feel shitty on Christams Day and I'll be judged for not being in a jolly mood - I know someone will take it the wrong way if I'm not perky and happy and dancing around the Christmas tree.

I'm just so so so so sick of all of this crap and I'm sick of people not understanding and thinking that everything is going to be ok. Even when it is ok and I have a baby I will be a different person. I feel like I'll never be at peace with the fact that it wasnt easy to have a baby or that I had 2 miscarriages before a successful pregnancy. I feel frustrated that people who get pregnant the first go will never and can never fully comprehend just how lucky they are.

I know that Dean tells me just because they have it easy getting pregnant and having a baby it doesnt mean their life is perfect and I know that is true but I'm so jealous that they have that. I'm being consumed by jealousy and rage that other people have it so much easier than us.

So where am I in my cycle? Day 12, getting very very faint second lines on OPKs since day 10. I'm not sure if that is actually LH surging or if it is HcG leftovers - I wouldnt have thought it was possible to have them 5-6 weeks post m/c but I have heard that it can take that long for HcG levels to reach zero. Although that is unlikely given mine were so very low in the first place.

I'm also stressed that last time I got my BFP and then had my m/c I didn't go to the doctors at all and it's worrying me that something could still be wrong with me. But that is also illogical since I have bled twice since then - once being my period. TMI.....the sheer amount of blood I lost when I m/c'd was phenomenal so in all honesty there is no real reason for me to be stressing about it the way I am.

We've also decided that should I be fortunate to get pregnant again we will tell everyone from early on. I know you should wait until the 2nd trimester and past the 12 week mark but the way I figure (which is not always that logical!) is that we tell everyone about the miscarriages anyway and me not telling people and not being able to blog about it stresses me that someone will find out somehow. So next time I'm going to announce it to the world and tell people loud and proud that I am pregnant. I want to be able to say that instead of "we lost another baby"

Anyway that is me wrapped up in a nutshell for now. Someone pass me those chill pills!

I want him to be a Dad.

More than anything in the world, I would love Dean to be a father. My heart melts when I see him with other children - he is just so fun and loving with them.

My heart aches to see him rub my pregnant belly and hold our own newborn baby. I feel so guilty and like a giant failure that I've not been able to give him the joy of being a father yet.

This morning I asked him about his friend 'M' whose partner has been pestering him to have a baby for years but he has always said no. I said "Has M given in and started trying yet?" Dean's response "Do you really want to know?" I knew instantly that M and his partner must be pregnant and that Dean (for very good reason) had been keeping it a secret from me. I just started crying. For someone who isn't a crier I'm doing a pretty good job at it lately. Apparently M relented and decided to give trying a-go.

It broke my heart that Dean will see M be a father before he gets to be a father. I felt so sad for him that while I know he would have congratulated M on the inside he would have been thinking he wishes it was him that was being congratulated.

It makes me feel so sad that they will never appriciate how lucky they are that they got pregnant straight away. I'm angry how they have that joy about pregnancy and expecting their first child, that has been taken away from Dean and I.

Of course while I cried he said all of the right things like "I don't blame you, it's not your fault, it will happen for us one day" but it doesn't make me feel better at all. Because even though it's not intentionally my fault, it is still the fault of my body. Dean is confident that he can get me pregnant again, I wish I could be confident in staying pregnant though, I'm so scared that my body is going to let us down again.

It's my party - I'll cry if I want to!

Well it wasn't actually my party but I still cried!



It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,
cry if I want to, cry if I want to.
You would cry too if it happened to you....


It actually wasn't even a party - it was a meet up. A meet of women, their babies and some husbands from a forum I've been a member of since October 2006. It is a forum dedicated to TTC, pregnancy, birth and parenting. Anyway, a lot of the members from my city decided to meet up - I've met a few members one on one before and had no problems what so ever with their babies or their pregnant bellies.

Saturday's meet up was very very different. We got there early (about 20 minutes early) and at first that was fine, one other girl arrived with her 3 children and we chatted a little bit. Then 3 prams walked in (when I say 3 prams - I mean mothers pushing their prams!) and my bottom lip started to tremble - I took some deep breaths and had a few sips of my drink. I was right to go again, until, about 5 or 6 prams walked in, I sat in the corner like a stunned mullet, I didn't know where to look or what to do. A few people introduced themselves to me but when I said "I'm Kirsten" I got looks of pity along with no one knowing what to say other than "Ohhhh" and then they would talk to someone else. Then I saw my good friend tulli she mouthed across the room "How are you going" I got up hugged her and said "bad" and then started crying.

I feel so humiliated, I am not a crier. I don't even like crying in front of Dean, usually I save it for when he is not around, but on Saturday I was just overwhelmed by emotions and could'nt keep it in. Thank goodness tulli and Dean were there. Tulli chased me into the toilets and gave me a hug and a pep talk so I could go out and face the mases of babies.

The rush of emotions got me morbidly obsessed with where I should have been in my pregnancy and I counted it up when I got home, a stupid thing to do I know. I should be 20w5d by now - my baby would be kicking and squirming and I'd be able to find out if it was a boy or a girl. And here I am still barren - still unable to stay pregnant.

I hate that today is the 1st of December, because that means there is only 30 more days left of 2008, which means 31 days until 2009. Normally I am all for the New Year and the wonderful things the New Year can bring - but this year I am feeling a sense of dread that 2008 was not what I had hoped and was not what I had planned or imagined. I expected fertility problems for 2008 but I got more than I bargined for and certainly my fair share of problems. I'm scared that 2009 will only be more of the same, I'm scared about how much more I can be pushed to the limits, how much more our marriage can handle. I don't know what will I do if this time next year I'm still sitting in this room typing at a computer when it is supposed to be our babies nursery.

Living in Denial was Much, Much Better.

It's actually where I have been living for the last 5 weeks.

Since we lost the second baby, I kind of shut down. And not in a bad way at all, I turned off to TTC and infertility I ignored the fact that I had ever had 2 miscarriages and I felt better than I had in months. I don't even remembering even crying about the second miscarriage. That sounds so bad, but at the time, I don't think I was even over the first one. So I just blocked everything out. I blocked out infertility and back to back miscarriages. Until yesterday.

We went back to see Julie the FS, and it was a short but sweet appointment, she was very sorry for our losses and was really kind about it. Because of my history she is having every test under the sun done on me. I can't remember a great deal of what she is testing for, but I can remember;

• Anticardiolipin antibody (ACA) which causes clotting and thomboses.
  
• Auto immune diseases such as lupus
• Thyroid Function (I recognised that one on the pathology report! )
  and
• FSH (I knew that one too!)
  

There was a stack of over things but I couldnt decode them! Once we get the bill - we will show Dean's Mum and get her to tell me what it's all about.

FS Julie has now put me on;

• 5omg of vitamin B6 twice daily and

• 100mg of Asprin once a day

Both until I am 14 weeks pregnant.

The part that shocked me was she said that if I have 1 more miscarriage it will be straight to IVF/ICSI using blastocyst embryos.

Julie even mentioned that now falling pregnant is not my problem it is staying pregnant. That one statement made me feel deflated. I feel like screaming to the world let me be normal - let me get pregnant like a normal person and stay pregnant like a normal person. I don't want more problems.

Anyway we go back to see FS Julie on the 15th of December, I don't know what I want her to tell me. Part of me wants her to tell me she can't find anything wrong with me and I'm good to go. Another part of me wants her to tell me they found something so they can treat it and I can get better and have a healthy little baby.

I feel overwhelmed. I thought getting pregnant would take a maximum of 6 months (smug 'fertile' bitch t I was!). Then I thought after my lap I would get pregnant and look back on this all as a bad dream. Now I'm facing more problems and I don't feel prepared for it or ready to deal with it. I just want to have a baby. I don't want to pop pills to get there. I just want to be a normal fertile person.

Biscuit Dream

When I went to Melbourne on the weekend I met up with 6 very very special ladies who I have been talking to over the internet since I got my endo diagnoses. Some of them even longer. It was the first time I got to meet them. I stayed with my friend Zoe from Baby Zotrick It was the first time we met but we had the most wonderful weekend, I just felt so at ease being around her because she just understands me, we can laugh at our infertility and laugh at joke about fertiles, it felt nice to not have to explain how I felt, because she knows all too well how I feel.

Another special friend J and I met for the first time and she gave me a gift - a beautiful Christmas decoration and as much as I love it -- I think I love the card she gave me even more. I'm still laughing about it now! J and I email eachother daily about silly things that fertiles say, we cry together about insensitive people moaning about the undesirable gender of their baby, or their fat cankles in their third trimester of pregnancy. Sometimes it feels its J and I against the fertiles. This is why her card has made me have a laugh every time I think of it for the last few days.

The card.

Christmas 2008

Will be very very good, or very very sad!

Dean and I have decided to 'try' again. Yes the plan was to wait until next year, but with my endo pain getting worse and worse each month it feels like time isn't on our side. So since my period came early on day 29 (Saturday) we have decided to give it another go this month. Which means I'll be due to test around or on Christmas Day. So Christmas could be a happy happy happy day. Or one full of disappointment and full of having my period.

I've started reading The Empty Picture Frame - An Inconceivable Journey Through Infertility. I can identify so much with what I have read so far, but it made me worry (yet again) that the last 19 cycles might only be the beginning of the TTC journey for Dean and I.

So as it stands the TTC journey is begining for us again. I've purchased some OPKs because the shortening of my cycle means I may not be ovulating on CD15 anymore. We are going to see Dr. Julie on Thursday and I'm feeling apprehensive about it. I'm scared she will tell me I can get pregnant and there is nothing she can do for me anymore. I'm sure she won't she will want to know why I've had 2 back to back miscarriages. I'm hoping it's just really really really bad luck.

100th Post & Awards!

Happy 100th post to me! It certainly crept up on me, I remember the day I posted my 50th post. It was the day or the day after we lost baby Woggie. At the time I wasn't sure if I was going to keep blogging. I was feeling emotionally and physically drained and really really deceived about the way people had treated me after that first loss.

I'm glad I've kept it up though, I've needed a lot of support and encouragement since then. And you have all provided that to me. You've kept me going when I thought I couldnt, you've made me smile when I've been done , you have made me feel reassured I'm not the only going through this and you've given me hope that infertiles can get pregnant.

Last monday Amy from Musings of a Teacher gave me an Award. Which I am very very touched by. It's lovely to know that by blogging I'm not only helping myself but I'm helping others too.


The award was the Uber Amazing Blog Award (I honestly don't think mine is Uber Amazing - but thank you for thinking it is Amy)



An Uber Amazing Blog Award is a blog award given to sites who:

~ inspires you

~ make you smile and laugh

~ or maybe gives amazing information

~a great read

~has an amazing design

~ and any other reasons you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules of this award are:

~ Put the logo on your blog or post.

~ Nominate at least 5 blogs (can be more) that for you are Uber Amazing!

~ Let them know that they have received this Uber Amazing award by commenting on their blog.

~ Share the love and link to this post and to the person you received your award from.

My Top 5 blogs are

Zoe at Baby Zotrick

Just Me at Still Standing Strong in a Bloom of Hope

Emily at Oh Emily

Megs at Along Lifes Little Journey

Alicia at Ya Ya Stuff

Ok, I can't stick to just 5....number 6 is
Cara Building Heavenly Bridges

Exhausted.

Just a quick update on things here. Mum's house flooded again last night. They got 200 mls of water in a really short amount of time. She was bucketing out water from midnight to 3am, not even the pump could keep up. Luckily her neighbors are so wonderful and came over to help.

I've been there since early this morning cleaning up and I'm about to go back with food supplies to feed the neighbors and their nine (yes nine) children who are currently ripping out all of the carpet from their house. They are predicting more storms tonight. I don't know how much longer my Mum can cope with this.

I go to Melbourne tomorrow morning (really bad timing) but I know that if Mum needs anything Dean would go around in an instant.

The creek near Mum's house used to be a small trickle but it's now a raging torrent, it's actually quite scary. It's up over the bridge. Please pray for no more rain or storms in Brisbane.

Natural Disaster

Yesterday our city was declared a natural disaster zone. Mr Woggie (ooops, I mean Dean!) and I are ok, so is our house. Unfortunately my Mum's suburb was one of the worst hit. It was a freak storm what the bureau of metorology are calling a "Mini Tornado"

We are counting our lucky stars that all of the trees fell away from her house and all we had to worry about was flooding.

Here are some photos.

The water level in Mum's downstairs area.


What the pool currently looks like








The study

Scaredy Cat

Actually this Cat is terrified.

Every time my friends say "I have something to tell you" I feel ill. I feel like they are going to tell me they are pregnant and I won't be able to cope. Saying that out loud (well typing it) sounds like the most selfish thing in the world. But I'm really really scared about how my emotions will act when I hear those two little words "I'm pregnant"

None of our friends are TTC yet, but we know most of them are starting within the next 12 months, and I am so so fearful that I'll be left behind. Of course I want them to be happy and I don't want a single one of them to feel the pain that I feel but, well, no but really, I just want to do it before them.

A Nice Little Surprise

An internet friend of mine, we will call her S. Asked for my address recently, she said she had something she wanted to give me. I love receiving mail (not bill kind of mail!) So I happily gave it to her. The little gift arrived and it was very very touching. Along with a beautiful little note. She had given me her son's yellow booties. S also had a struggle with getting pregnant, so the fact that she had given them to me really was so touching and so meaningful.

S if you read this - Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, I can't thank you enough. We've only 'known' eachother for a little while but I can already tell you are an amazing person and probably a person that will be in my life for a long time to come.

Are we kidding ourselves?

Kidding verb (used with object)
1. to talk or deal jokingly with; banter; jest with: She is always kidded about her accent. 2. to humbug or fool.

I feel that we may be.

I remember Christmas 2006. Dean gave me a conception and pregnancy book. With a nice little note in the cover, then I vividly remember having Christmas Lunch at my Mum's house and smugly saying to him "This will be our last Christmas not as parents" It's funny I remember where we were both sitting, just like it was yesterday. In 2007, Christmas rolled around and once again I said "This will be our last Christmas without a baby." However I was starting to get a little bit wiser and I added "Or at least I'll be pregnant by then" Now as Christmas 2008 approaches I feel foolish for having said that, or even thought it.

This year we are saying "Surely we can't be unlucky enough to not be pregnant or have a baby by Christmas 2009." Yet a little voice inside me says "What if" What happens next Christmas if there is no bump and no baby. Where to from there? If you could give me some pointers I would really really appriciate that, because I don't know what happens if another year comes and goes and there is still no baby. Hopefully I'll never have to know.

Psychics - Just for fun!

I've considered going to a psychic to tell me when I will get pregnant and now I guess it would be when I would have a successful pregnancy. I've heard of this lady called Trisha that has apparently made quite a lot of very accurate readings. I don't even know if I believe but sometimes I think it would just be nice to have something to hold onto when I'm feeling down. On the flip side if the date I was given didn't come to fruition I would probably think I was doomed!

So I decided to let all my blog readers be my psychic's. Please vote - and then comment when you think I will get pregnant again (with a sticky baby, of course!).

Just a little bit furious.....

Sing that title to the tune of Roxette's "Dangerous" LOL.



Singing it nice and loudly makes me feel better already! It's amazing what a bit of loud singing (very out of tune singing mind you) can do for the emotions. I already feel better.

You probably want to know what made me mad enough to go find Roxette on You Tube? Well not much, believe it or not!! That doesn't surprise you though does it, because I'm becoming a angrier person by the day. I don't want to be an angry person, I just have such a low tolerance for insensitive people these days. I'm sick of people telling me how to feel "be positive" "everything happens for a reason" all of these things just make me cross.

Anyway now that I've got that out, I'm feeling a little better.

Onto TTC matters, yes we are still taking a break which I thought would be easy HAHA! It really is difficult to ignore your fertile signs when you have been tracking them for almost 2 years. I'm getting all my usual signs that I'm about to ovulate and I wish I could stop thinking about TTC and what I SHOULD be doing. Which would be having lots of sex according to my specialist.

Dean rang up and made an appointment for us with Dr. Lindstrom for the 27th of November. It's not to start any form of AC, because I'm simply not interested in trying IUI or anything until I know why I've had 2 back to back miscarriages.

So that is where we are at right now. Not in an exciting place, just plodding along really.

Let me introduce myself.

You know me as Mrs Woggie. But my name is Kirsten. I'm 26 years old. Mr Woggie (my better half - and seriously, he is so better!) is Dean he is 31 years old.

We have been together for 4 years on the 26th of January next year, we met on Australia day and aptly called our dog "Ozzie" very very tragic I am aware. We wanted to call him Jimmy, but my mother protested as that was my Grandfathers name. So he got named after the day on which we met.

Dean and I married on the 31st of March last year. We honeymooned in New Zealand and had a ball, earlier this year we went to Europe and visited Russia, Germany, Switzerland, Italy and Austria. We've also been to the Northern Territory together.

Why am I telling you all of this? Firstly, my identity is not really a secret, friends and family read this blog, so I don't need to pretend anymore. I'm comfortable wearing my infertility skin and I refuse to be ashamed by it anymore.

Secondly, Mrs Woggie can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant, hopefully Kirsten will get pregnant and stay pregnant. One day she will live that Dream.

So today Mrs Woggie says goodbye and I say hello!

I'll leave you with this quote, which I used to have stuck on my bedroom door as a teenager.

"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so."

~♥Belva Davis♥~

Infertility is like having a crappy boyfriend!

You want to dump your crappy boyfriend but you cant, you love him and you want the end prize so much (him to love you), you just cant do it. You are constantly hoping things will get better that the boyfriend will change, he will treat you like you deserve. And something will happen and he will change, it will be nice for a little while and you will have hope, then things start going down hill again. And you lose hope and it's crappy again. It's the same with infertility! It's crap, then you think you could be pregnant, then you are pregnant for a little while you have hope, finally you can break up with infertility, then you have a miscarriage and you realise that infertility has got you by the throat, there is no escaping infertility. Unless you dump it and decide to be child free. That sounds easy enough, I've tried to break up with infertility, there are a number of problems involved with that.

1. If you break up with infertility and stop trying, there will be no babies.
2. I'm not the only person to consider in this break-up, Mr. Woggie has to want to break up with infertility too. And right now he wont even think that.
3. Plan B - I don't have one and suspect I should get one if I want to break up with infertility.
4. Everyone else. I don't know if I'm ready to let them down yet.
5. Once you break up, can you make up again and change your mind?

So as you can see, right now, even though I wanted to break up with infertility I'm not going to. My bleeding has stopped and I guess (if I was counting, which for the first time in 19 cycles, I'm not) I would be on CD 8, or there abouts..... But, we have officially decided to take a break from actively TTC for now. We will go back to see the FS explain what's happened since the lap and hopefully find out why my body rejects the babies my heart so dearly wants. Then we will go from there.

Nessun Dorma

Nessun Dorma

The only 2 words that take away my pain, well momentarily, but that is still such a huge relief.

I've been struggling the last few days, really struggling (You might have guessed that from my last post!?)

I've recently found out that 2 family members are due right near my EDD with Baby Woggie, I had lost count of where I should have been up to in my pregnancy, but with news of other family members you kind of start thinking about it. Well I did, so (stupidly) I counted how many weeks I should have been and since then I've been so so down about it. And reading or talking to people with babies about how terrible the lack of sleep is and other common baby problems just has really got me down.

I know they are well within their rights to complain, I do, I just wish they could realise that honestly there are worse things than a crying baby at 2am. I know I'm equally guilty of this, I'm sure there are people who read my blog that think "Sheesh, only 2 miscarriages and 19 months of TTC, that is nothing" and I'm aware of that, in terms of infertility, I don't have it that bad.


Anyway, back to Nessun Dorma...

Last night we went to the Opera to see Turandot, I know NOTHING about Opera, I'm not an Opera person at all, by any stretch of the imagination. However, our wedding song 'Nessun Dorma' comes from Turandot(and how that came to be our wedding song, really is a long story). So we went to see Turandot. I was in a foul mood and didnt want to go, I tried to curl my hair and look pretty in the hope of feeling better. One side curled the other stayed flat, so then I had to straighten it all. Because of this I had no time to put on any make up, so I looked normal, and not beautiful. When we got to the theater my high heel got caught in the lift door and broke and so I was feeling really peeved and really couldn't be arsed concentrating on a bunch of people singing in a language which I don't understand!

So Act I and Act II come and go, and then act 3 comes along and the character Calaf comes out and starts singing Nessun Dorma (made famous by Pavarotti) and as soon as the words "Nessun Dorma" were sung by the chorus before Calaf got into it, a wave of calm came over me, Mr Woggie gave my hand a little squeeze and I felt good, just for a few minutes, I felt okay.

So here it is for your (or my) enjoyment!
Nessun Dorma

The Green Eyed Monster

Is in full force right now. I'm feeling resentful, envious and very jealous. And I HATE feeling like this. I really don't want to feel like this at all, but I can't help it.

Simple things like seeing belly pictures in user avatars and pregnancy tickers are seriously hurting my heart. I'm reminded that today I should have been 16 weeks pregnant, yes 16 weeks and I'm not. I'm not even a little bit pregnant, not even possibly pregnant and it hurts so so much.

My heart breaks for Mr. Woggie, from our first date, I knew he wanted children, being a father was the one thing he wanted in life, he deserves to be a Dad so much, he will be a wonderful Dad. Instead he marries a mutant who firstly can't get pregnant but then who has back to back miscarriages.

It makes me angry for people to be so blase about being pregnant (I know, I need to stop reading and listening to people who talk about how terrible it is to be big and uncomfortable, I would happily swap with those people in a heartbeat, if they want to feel comfortable, seriously, I'll take away their pain. (I'm a generous lass!!!)

I wish it was one of life's little guarantee's, but sadly its not :( I'm reminded of that by seeing my Mum's best friend, after many failed IVF cycles they are childless and it makes me so scared that could be me.

How it has been different this time.

I thought, when I started to miscarry 'At least I know what to expect this time' How wrong I was! Nothing at all has been the same.

Last time I got minor cramping accompanied by heavy bleeding, but emotionally I was a wreck.

This time, my miscarriage kicked off with 1 day of spotting (it was 4 days last time) accompanied by vomiting on and off on Friday. The cramps this time lasted for 3 whole days. With really really heavy bleeding. And by the looks of it the bleeding will last a lot longer than last time too.

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. Although I'm scared because I was doing ok at this point last time too. And emotionally I'm not over the loss of Baby Woggie, so I don't know if I've even comprehended this loss yet. I'm feeling a lot more angry, bitter and twisted and frustrated now.

Last time, I felt positive that I could get pregnant, it was a miracle and that was my silver lining. This time I can't find a silver lining, sure I can get pregnant, but that means nothing when you can't stay pregnant.

I think my body is giving up, I've got a horrible head cold, it really is telling me to take a break from it all. So I'm going to listen. I've shut down my FF account for now so I can't obsess over which CD I am on. I want to get some romance and love happening with Mr. Woggie again, hopefully not actively TTC will help us get that back.

Thank you to everyone for all of their lovely comments in my last post, it is so nice to know that I have all of you.

Let me tell you about my week....

To cut along story short, I was pregnant, We were really happy, but then I thought I wasn't pregnant, so we were really sad, then I thought I was pregnant (my symptoms started coming back) then yesterday I started bleeding, vomiting and having really bad cramps, so now I am not pregnant anymore. I was 5w1d along, so I didn't even make it past 5w5d.

Emotionally I am just exhausted, if I was allowed to sleep for a month, I think I could do it happily, if I could become a hermit, I would.

So where to from here? A break, at least until the New Year, then we will reassess.

Thank you to the people who have supported me over the last few days and thank you to EndoBaby for writing about me on her blog :D

A dedication to my wonderful husband

We have had a really shitty week, a week from hell would probably come close to describing it (and I will write more on that later) but my husband has been amazing and continues to amaze me with the love he feels for me.

This morning he came home and gave me these



And I found this little verse on the internet a long time ago, I don't know who wrote it or where it comes from but it says exactly what I want to say..


More than I Love You

I want to say more than just "I LOVE YOU"

Sometimes I need to tell you you’re the love I live for , you’re my dreams made into reality.

Yours are the arms that hold me close, and it is the sunshine that brings a ray of sunshine to even the darkest days.

You are the one who tells me to keep believing in myself, in you, and in us.

You have become a part of me I could never live without.

The worst thing you can say to an infertile.....

Ok so there are a whole list of things you can say to an infertile, and I won't list them because you all know what they are (but feel free to add your horror stories here!)

I was talking to a friend the other night and her best friend (who is a guy)had a baby (well his wife did - but you know what I mean, I've heard my freind mention this particular friend of hers maybe a handful of times and I knew that they were expecting a baby soon, and I asked if it had been born yet. Yes was the answer and then came something out of the blue, I was not expecting....

"Why don't you come and visit them with me when I go in the next few days"

I was stunned, shocked, horrified and mortified.

Not only do I not know this person from a bar of soap and it would be highly inappropriate for me to go and visit their brand new baby... BUT I struggle with the arrival of babies from the people that I like and love, it breaks my heart seeing them, because it is what I would die to have, but it would be made a billion times worse seeing it from a random person who I don't know and who does not know me.

Now that I'm writing this out, I feel like maybe I have over reacted, and maybe I have, I didn't say that to her of course, I just made up a dumb excuse. But I feel hurt that a friend can completely ignore that I am infertile and we even had a conversation about it the other day.

Friendship Award

I've been tagged, for the first time ever for the friendship award by
Yaya Stuff


Thank you so so so much Alicia, it means so much to know that I've done something to help you. Your support has been amazing too me over the last little while, can I tag you back? I have no idea how this works but I'll give it my best shot!

So the questions, if I have tagged you are (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!)

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
Not really, I have 1 friend who I have known since I was 6 years old and another who I've known since the first day of high school, all the rest are new friends made from university and infertility groups.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
Their support and understanding through the hardest times of my life.

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Absolutely! They listen to me whinge and whine endlessly!

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
Watching movies and eating chocolate. A few drinks no and then never goes astray either!!!

I'm tagging...
Endo Baby
Just Me
Oh Emily
Murgdan
Cara

National Babies Day.

Today is National Babies Day, run by the The Bonnie Babes Foundation

The Bonnie Babes Foundation supports people who have experienced stillbirth and miscarriage, they offer a free counseling service and free books about grief, the counseling is run by volunteers and I think it is invaluable, it certainly has been for me over the last little while, I've been using their services to help me get by.

If you think you may need the support and service of the Bonnie Babes foundation please email them or phone them.

Now on to that nasty TTC thing, I feel like I'm done with it, really done. Mr. Woggie and I haven't talked about it yet because we've had people here and been out for the last few nights but I think the time has come to take a break for a while. I've picked myself up so many times before but at the moment I really am struggling. My point of view my change in the next few days, but right now I just need a rest. As one of my wonderful friends put so beautifully "Sometimes you just have no more to give" and that is exactly how I feel right now. My period is due in on Sunday and maybe I'm just feeling emotional because of that.

Family = Children

Well I disagree. At the moment K-Rudd (Australia's Prime Minister - I've added a pic just because I can!) is all about helping out families in this time of 'economic uncertainty" So he decides to spend half the budget surplus (11 million dollars of it) on helping people out. I'm all for helping people out, I think it is great helping people out BUT why does family mean you must have kids? I'm trying my hardest to have a baby, spending more on my possible child before it's even been conceived than most of these 'families' have and they get $1000 per kid....please someone explain to me how that is fair. I know the logic behind it, he wants them to spend it to boost the economy but they will spend it plus more and MY home loan interest rates will go up when I didn't get any money to spend in the first place. I'm making huge generalisations here I do realise that, but I'm sick of childless people being left out of the budget.

I also find it somewhat sad, that on a certain forum I visit the discussion about this had led to many LTTTCers (Long Term Trying To Conceive) people have addressed the issue and said, well what about us? They have been ignored. Just another instance of infertility being swept under the rug like it doesn't exist. This is starting to really get to me and it's making me cross, really cross. People avoid talking about infertility like the plague, why is that? I've been trying to talk to a colleague about it and she just brushes it off as people 'not having enough sex' seriously do non infertile people honestly think that is why we can't have babies?

I can't remember what I thought about it before I was TTC, maybe I didn't think about it, maybe people like me are the problem.

Feeling a litte bit hopeless....

I'm feeling a little crappy this morning. I know in my heart I'm not pregnant, I'm just going through all the motions of thinking maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I know I'm not. I don't feel like I felt in the days leading up to my BFP last time, I feel, exactly the way I have felt for 17 cycles out of the last 18. Like shit.

The next cycle is our last cycle TTC, in a way I'm feeling sad about it, I'm sad that it means it's our last chance of doing it without injections and medical instruments, I don't care about the sex because even that has become like a business transaction these. We are not going to TTC over Christmas because I want to be happy, not upset, not stressed. I remember last Christmas I was convinced that it was my last Christmas without a baby. What a fool. Although that doesn't stop me from thinking that I'll have a baby next Christmas. I'm in a rut. Please help me out.

Just plodding along.

Honestly nothing is happening with me at the moment. At all. I'm somewhere in the TWW - yes still, seems like a three week wait but I don't think it is! I'm guessing that AF is due next weekend at some point.

Symptoms - Minor cramping, creamy CM, sore boobs. Exactly what happened when I was pregnant last time, I'm trying to not get to far ahead of myself but it is hard, really hard, I just want it so so much. I'd like nothing more than to tell the family I was pregnant at Christmas time, or even on my mum's birthday. I won't be blogging about it here though, mainly because family and friends read this blog and it's going to be a secret this time round, I just don't want to deal with other peoples emotions if things went pear shaped again. Last time I had my Mum devastated that I was miscarrying which made me feel like I had to look after her, I had other people pissed off that they didn't find out, which then didn't allow me to grieve because I was so angry about having to justify why I didn't tell anyone except online people and our parents. So this time the secret will be staying with me, until we've told everyone. I honestly believe that other people's negative reactions really helped make me feel depre4sed about the whole thing, which I'm still suffering from. I am getting counseling though, I know some of you have been worried about me but I'm getting help and I'm getting better.

I can't remember if I've posted about this but we canceled the FS appointment for the 15th. Well I didn't, I made Mr. Woggie do it! We will go back if I'm not pregnant by January or February, I just want time out for now and I don't want to start IUI, I just don't have what it takes to jab myself with a needle at the moment. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, I'm also going to start looking for permanent work, instead of just doing contracts, I've put it off for the last year and a half because I though 'I'd only be in my job for 9 months so there would be no point' Basically I'm sick of infertility being in control of my life, I'm taking the control back.

A few weeks ago I showed photos of our European holiday the German part. Here are some Russian photos.

Share my story, but share it properly.

I blog for various reasons, to get it all out and to share in my journey of infertility. This is my story warts and all. I vent, about people genearlly not specific people, for a number of reasons. I know what it is like to read hurtful things about yourself, and usually the experiences I have with the good and bad people don't just occur from a specific person, usually its a culmination of annoying things that upset me, usually from uneducated people. I also have family and friends that I know read this blog and sometimes, it is easier for them to read this to know how I'm feeling than having to spill the beans and actually talk about it. And honestly, there is only so many times you can retell the story about the day you had your miscarriage.

I don't mind people sharing my story to give others hope, or light or faith or information, that pleases me. What doesn't please me, is when parts of my story get left out or fabricated. I've told friends of friends they can contact me for support or information. And recently I found out that someone has been sharing my story (or airing my dirty laundry as I've heard someone say :D ) And they were not informed that my 'miracle pregnancy' ended in miscarriage, which upsets me because whilst I want my story to give others hope, I don't feel it is ok, to dismiss the baby that I had and leave that part out. Not for me, for my baby. YES I got pregnant, YES that is a miracle, but I lost my baby, don't forget that part.

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I haven't written about my endo for a while, so I thought I would take the opportunity to do it now. I didn't get severe cramps last cycle, the cramps were still there but not the kind where i can't sit up and they make me vomit! But I've been getting the pain in other places, like when Mr. Woggie and I *cough, cough* DTD and when I need to go to the toilet, I've read these are both common problems and thought that thus far I was lucky enough not to get them. Julie the FS said that if my endo was going to come back I'd probably notice it within 4 months of the lap, and what do you know, it's almost been 4 months.

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