Living in Denial was Much, Much Better.

It's actually where I have been living for the last 5 weeks.

Since we lost the second baby, I kind of shut down. And not in a bad way at all, I turned off to TTC and infertility I ignored the fact that I had ever had 2 miscarriages and I felt better than I had in months. I don't even remembering even crying about the second miscarriage. That sounds so bad, but at the time, I don't think I was even over the first one. So I just blocked everything out. I blocked out infertility and back to back miscarriages. Until yesterday.

We went back to see Julie the FS, and it was a short but sweet appointment, she was very sorry for our losses and was really kind about it. Because of my history she is having every test under the sun done on me. I can't remember a great deal of what she is testing for, but I can remember;

• Anticardiolipin antibody (ACA) which causes clotting and thomboses.
  
• Auto immune diseases such as lupus
• Thyroid Function (I recognised that one on the pathology report! )
  and
• FSH (I knew that one too!)
  

There was a stack of over things but I couldnt decode them! Once we get the bill - we will show Dean's Mum and get her to tell me what it's all about.

FS Julie has now put me on;

• 5omg of vitamin B6 twice daily and

• 100mg of Asprin once a day

Both until I am 14 weeks pregnant.

The part that shocked me was she said that if I have 1 more miscarriage it will be straight to IVF/ICSI using blastocyst embryos.

Julie even mentioned that now falling pregnant is not my problem it is staying pregnant. That one statement made me feel deflated. I feel like screaming to the world let me be normal - let me get pregnant like a normal person and stay pregnant like a normal person. I don't want more problems.

Anyway we go back to see FS Julie on the 15th of December, I don't know what I want her to tell me. Part of me wants her to tell me she can't find anything wrong with me and I'm good to go. Another part of me wants her to tell me they found something so they can treat it and I can get better and have a healthy little baby.

I feel overwhelmed. I thought getting pregnant would take a maximum of 6 months (smug 'fertile' bitch t I was!). Then I thought after my lap I would get pregnant and look back on this all as a bad dream. Now I'm facing more problems and I don't feel prepared for it or ready to deal with it. I just want to have a baby. I don't want to pop pills to get there. I just want to be a normal fertile person.

Biscuit Dream

When I went to Melbourne on the weekend I met up with 6 very very special ladies who I have been talking to over the internet since I got my endo diagnoses. Some of them even longer. It was the first time I got to meet them. I stayed with my friend Zoe from Baby Zotrick It was the first time we met but we had the most wonderful weekend, I just felt so at ease being around her because she just understands me, we can laugh at our infertility and laugh at joke about fertiles, it felt nice to not have to explain how I felt, because she knows all too well how I feel.

Another special friend J and I met for the first time and she gave me a gift - a beautiful Christmas decoration and as much as I love it -- I think I love the card she gave me even more. I'm still laughing about it now! J and I email eachother daily about silly things that fertiles say, we cry together about insensitive people moaning about the undesirable gender of their baby, or their fat cankles in their third trimester of pregnancy. Sometimes it feels its J and I against the fertiles. This is why her card has made me have a laugh every time I think of it for the last few days.

The card.

Christmas 2008

Will be very very good, or very very sad!

Dean and I have decided to 'try' again. Yes the plan was to wait until next year, but with my endo pain getting worse and worse each month it feels like time isn't on our side. So since my period came early on day 29 (Saturday) we have decided to give it another go this month. Which means I'll be due to test around or on Christmas Day. So Christmas could be a happy happy happy day. Or one full of disappointment and full of having my period.

I've started reading The Empty Picture Frame - An Inconceivable Journey Through Infertility. I can identify so much with what I have read so far, but it made me worry (yet again) that the last 19 cycles might only be the beginning of the TTC journey for Dean and I.

So as it stands the TTC journey is begining for us again. I've purchased some OPKs because the shortening of my cycle means I may not be ovulating on CD15 anymore. We are going to see Dr. Julie on Thursday and I'm feeling apprehensive about it. I'm scared she will tell me I can get pregnant and there is nothing she can do for me anymore. I'm sure she won't she will want to know why I've had 2 back to back miscarriages. I'm hoping it's just really really really bad luck.

100th Post & Awards!

Happy 100th post to me! It certainly crept up on me, I remember the day I posted my 50th post. It was the day or the day after we lost baby Woggie. At the time I wasn't sure if I was going to keep blogging. I was feeling emotionally and physically drained and really really deceived about the way people had treated me after that first loss.

I'm glad I've kept it up though, I've needed a lot of support and encouragement since then. And you have all provided that to me. You've kept me going when I thought I couldnt, you've made me smile when I've been done , you have made me feel reassured I'm not the only going through this and you've given me hope that infertiles can get pregnant.

Last monday Amy from Musings of a Teacher gave me an Award. Which I am very very touched by. It's lovely to know that by blogging I'm not only helping myself but I'm helping others too.


The award was the Uber Amazing Blog Award (I honestly don't think mine is Uber Amazing - but thank you for thinking it is Amy)



An Uber Amazing Blog Award is a blog award given to sites who:

~ inspires you

~ make you smile and laugh

~ or maybe gives amazing information

~a great read

~has an amazing design

~ and any other reasons you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules of this award are:

~ Put the logo on your blog or post.

~ Nominate at least 5 blogs (can be more) that for you are Uber Amazing!

~ Let them know that they have received this Uber Amazing award by commenting on their blog.

~ Share the love and link to this post and to the person you received your award from.

My Top 5 blogs are

Zoe at Baby Zotrick

Just Me at Still Standing Strong in a Bloom of Hope

Emily at Oh Emily

Megs at Along Lifes Little Journey

Alicia at Ya Ya Stuff

Ok, I can't stick to just 5....number 6 is
Cara Building Heavenly Bridges

Exhausted.

Just a quick update on things here. Mum's house flooded again last night. They got 200 mls of water in a really short amount of time. She was bucketing out water from midnight to 3am, not even the pump could keep up. Luckily her neighbors are so wonderful and came over to help.

I've been there since early this morning cleaning up and I'm about to go back with food supplies to feed the neighbors and their nine (yes nine) children who are currently ripping out all of the carpet from their house. They are predicting more storms tonight. I don't know how much longer my Mum can cope with this.

I go to Melbourne tomorrow morning (really bad timing) but I know that if Mum needs anything Dean would go around in an instant.

The creek near Mum's house used to be a small trickle but it's now a raging torrent, it's actually quite scary. It's up over the bridge. Please pray for no more rain or storms in Brisbane.

Natural Disaster

Yesterday our city was declared a natural disaster zone. Mr Woggie (ooops, I mean Dean!) and I are ok, so is our house. Unfortunately my Mum's suburb was one of the worst hit. It was a freak storm what the bureau of metorology are calling a "Mini Tornado"

We are counting our lucky stars that all of the trees fell away from her house and all we had to worry about was flooding.

Here are some photos.

The water level in Mum's downstairs area.


What the pool currently looks like








The study

Scaredy Cat

Actually this Cat is terrified.

Every time my friends say "I have something to tell you" I feel ill. I feel like they are going to tell me they are pregnant and I won't be able to cope. Saying that out loud (well typing it) sounds like the most selfish thing in the world. But I'm really really scared about how my emotions will act when I hear those two little words "I'm pregnant"

None of our friends are TTC yet, but we know most of them are starting within the next 12 months, and I am so so fearful that I'll be left behind. Of course I want them to be happy and I don't want a single one of them to feel the pain that I feel but, well, no but really, I just want to do it before them.

A Nice Little Surprise

An internet friend of mine, we will call her S. Asked for my address recently, she said she had something she wanted to give me. I love receiving mail (not bill kind of mail!) So I happily gave it to her. The little gift arrived and it was very very touching. Along with a beautiful little note. She had given me her son's yellow booties. S also had a struggle with getting pregnant, so the fact that she had given them to me really was so touching and so meaningful.

S if you read this - Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, I can't thank you enough. We've only 'known' eachother for a little while but I can already tell you are an amazing person and probably a person that will be in my life for a long time to come.

Are we kidding ourselves?

Kidding verb (used with object)
1. to talk or deal jokingly with; banter; jest with: She is always kidded about her accent. 2. to humbug or fool.

I feel that we may be.

I remember Christmas 2006. Dean gave me a conception and pregnancy book. With a nice little note in the cover, then I vividly remember having Christmas Lunch at my Mum's house and smugly saying to him "This will be our last Christmas not as parents" It's funny I remember where we were both sitting, just like it was yesterday. In 2007, Christmas rolled around and once again I said "This will be our last Christmas without a baby." However I was starting to get a little bit wiser and I added "Or at least I'll be pregnant by then" Now as Christmas 2008 approaches I feel foolish for having said that, or even thought it.

This year we are saying "Surely we can't be unlucky enough to not be pregnant or have a baby by Christmas 2009." Yet a little voice inside me says "What if" What happens next Christmas if there is no bump and no baby. Where to from there? If you could give me some pointers I would really really appriciate that, because I don't know what happens if another year comes and goes and there is still no baby. Hopefully I'll never have to know.

Psychics - Just for fun!

I've considered going to a psychic to tell me when I will get pregnant and now I guess it would be when I would have a successful pregnancy. I've heard of this lady called Trisha that has apparently made quite a lot of very accurate readings. I don't even know if I believe but sometimes I think it would just be nice to have something to hold onto when I'm feeling down. On the flip side if the date I was given didn't come to fruition I would probably think I was doomed!

So I decided to let all my blog readers be my psychic's. Please vote - and then comment when you think I will get pregnant again (with a sticky baby, of course!).

Just a little bit furious.....

Sing that title to the tune of Roxette's "Dangerous" LOL.



Singing it nice and loudly makes me feel better already! It's amazing what a bit of loud singing (very out of tune singing mind you) can do for the emotions. I already feel better.

You probably want to know what made me mad enough to go find Roxette on You Tube? Well not much, believe it or not!! That doesn't surprise you though does it, because I'm becoming a angrier person by the day. I don't want to be an angry person, I just have such a low tolerance for insensitive people these days. I'm sick of people telling me how to feel "be positive" "everything happens for a reason" all of these things just make me cross.

Anyway now that I've got that out, I'm feeling a little better.

Onto TTC matters, yes we are still taking a break which I thought would be easy HAHA! It really is difficult to ignore your fertile signs when you have been tracking them for almost 2 years. I'm getting all my usual signs that I'm about to ovulate and I wish I could stop thinking about TTC and what I SHOULD be doing. Which would be having lots of sex according to my specialist.

Dean rang up and made an appointment for us with Dr. Lindstrom for the 27th of November. It's not to start any form of AC, because I'm simply not interested in trying IUI or anything until I know why I've had 2 back to back miscarriages.

So that is where we are at right now. Not in an exciting place, just plodding along really.

Let me introduce myself.

You know me as Mrs Woggie. But my name is Kirsten. I'm 26 years old. Mr Woggie (my better half - and seriously, he is so better!) is Dean he is 31 years old.

We have been together for 4 years on the 26th of January next year, we met on Australia day and aptly called our dog "Ozzie" very very tragic I am aware. We wanted to call him Jimmy, but my mother protested as that was my Grandfathers name. So he got named after the day on which we met.

Dean and I married on the 31st of March last year. We honeymooned in New Zealand and had a ball, earlier this year we went to Europe and visited Russia, Germany, Switzerland, Italy and Austria. We've also been to the Northern Territory together.

Why am I telling you all of this? Firstly, my identity is not really a secret, friends and family read this blog, so I don't need to pretend anymore. I'm comfortable wearing my infertility skin and I refuse to be ashamed by it anymore.

Secondly, Mrs Woggie can get pregnant but can't stay pregnant, hopefully Kirsten will get pregnant and stay pregnant. One day she will live that Dream.

So today Mrs Woggie says goodbye and I say hello!

I'll leave you with this quote, which I used to have stuck on my bedroom door as a teenager.

"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so."

~♥Belva Davis♥~

Infertility is like having a crappy boyfriend!

You want to dump your crappy boyfriend but you cant, you love him and you want the end prize so much (him to love you), you just cant do it. You are constantly hoping things will get better that the boyfriend will change, he will treat you like you deserve. And something will happen and he will change, it will be nice for a little while and you will have hope, then things start going down hill again. And you lose hope and it's crappy again. It's the same with infertility! It's crap, then you think you could be pregnant, then you are pregnant for a little while you have hope, finally you can break up with infertility, then you have a miscarriage and you realise that infertility has got you by the throat, there is no escaping infertility. Unless you dump it and decide to be child free. That sounds easy enough, I've tried to break up with infertility, there are a number of problems involved with that.

1. If you break up with infertility and stop trying, there will be no babies.
2. I'm not the only person to consider in this break-up, Mr. Woggie has to want to break up with infertility too. And right now he wont even think that.
3. Plan B - I don't have one and suspect I should get one if I want to break up with infertility.
4. Everyone else. I don't know if I'm ready to let them down yet.
5. Once you break up, can you make up again and change your mind?

So as you can see, right now, even though I wanted to break up with infertility I'm not going to. My bleeding has stopped and I guess (if I was counting, which for the first time in 19 cycles, I'm not) I would be on CD 8, or there abouts..... But, we have officially decided to take a break from actively TTC for now. We will go back to see the FS explain what's happened since the lap and hopefully find out why my body rejects the babies my heart so dearly wants. Then we will go from there.