Our baby is just amazing. Stubborn and naughty, but perfect.
Bubs was measuring at 14w (83mm to be exact!) so I'm now due on the 26th of August 2009 instead of the 5th of September like they told me at the last scan (I knew they were wrong!!!) For about 40 minutes they tried to get the nuchal fold measurement of bub's neck but he/she wasn't playing the game, bubs was far to comfy where it was and was not moving for anyone!! Although it did do a few fancy aerobatic movements!! We saw all of the lovely hands and feet and nose. It was so cute! I had to go for a few walks to see if bubs would move but it didn't work. So we had to go and eat lunch then come back and hope for the best! Eventually after a lot of poking and prodding and fake coughing on my behalf, she got the measurement she was after!!!
So all that worry for nothing. I'm so relieved, I'm 'one of those people' lucky enough to have a viable pregnancy. I feel so blessed.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Scared
Scared: (Verb) To strike with sudden fear; alarm.
That pretty much sums it up for me right now. In 12 hours we will have seen our baby. I'm petrified. I'm finding it hard to beleive that I'm one of those people that will walk out of the room with a giant smile on my face, happy tears in my eyes and with a picture of my baby. I don't feel like I'm that lucky, or that deserving.
It's hard not to expect the worst.
The only way I can compare what I am feeling is it being the day AF is due and it hasn't arrived yet, your period is never late so you feel hopeful that if you do a pregnancy test it will be positive but you can't get your hopes up because every other time you've done a test it's been negative.
There is no point going to bed because I know I will toss and turn all night long, thinking the worst, hoping for the best.
That pretty much sums it up for me right now. In 12 hours we will have seen our baby. I'm petrified. I'm finding it hard to beleive that I'm one of those people that will walk out of the room with a giant smile on my face, happy tears in my eyes and with a picture of my baby. I don't feel like I'm that lucky, or that deserving.
It's hard not to expect the worst.
The only way I can compare what I am feeling is it being the day AF is due and it hasn't arrived yet, your period is never late so you feel hopeful that if you do a pregnancy test it will be positive but you can't get your hopes up because every other time you've done a test it's been negative.
There is no point going to bed because I know I will toss and turn all night long, thinking the worst, hoping for the best.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Love is...
Mini La La Nappies
Carli is a work at home Mum who makes modern cloth nappies (that's what we are going to use with bubs) she also makes lots of other delicious goodies!
She is so popular that when she had her stocking night on Monday there were over 2000 people on her website and it crashed. I was one of the lucky ones and scored two beautiful nappies and a packet of velour wipes.
I got a red dot disco one and an an avocado damask one. They are divine. They are one size fits most pocket nappies, a nappy should last from when bubs is 3.5kg - 15kg.
Without further a-do I introduce you to my first baby item purchase.
Now a word on the pregnancy.
Today I had my blood test which will be used to determine the risk of downs syndrome for our baby, the blood results will be combined with the scan results. We are not interested in the results by any means. Well we are, but we are not interested in terminating this pregnancy if we come back with a high risk. We are very interested in seeing bubs on Wednesday at our scan though :D
I've been slack with taking belly pictures. But I took one at 6 weeks and then another one last night 12w1d, surprisingly there is a difference.
6 week belly shot
12 week belly shot
I'm starting to get excited about this and I'm feeling a whole lot happier now.
Carli is a work at home Mum who makes modern cloth nappies (that's what we are going to use with bubs) she also makes lots of other delicious goodies!
She is so popular that when she had her stocking night on Monday there were over 2000 people on her website and it crashed. I was one of the lucky ones and scored two beautiful nappies and a packet of velour wipes.
I got a red dot disco one and an an avocado damask one. They are divine. They are one size fits most pocket nappies, a nappy should last from when bubs is 3.5kg - 15kg.
Without further a-do I introduce you to my first baby item purchase.
Now a word on the pregnancy.
Today I had my blood test which will be used to determine the risk of downs syndrome for our baby, the blood results will be combined with the scan results. We are not interested in the results by any means. Well we are, but we are not interested in terminating this pregnancy if we come back with a high risk. We are very interested in seeing bubs on Wednesday at our scan though :D
I've been slack with taking belly pictures. But I took one at 6 weeks and then another one last night 12w1d, surprisingly there is a difference.
6 week belly shot
12 week belly shot
I'm starting to get excited about this and I'm feeling a whole lot happier now.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
What I know about being pregnant.
1. Morning (all day in my case) sickness and vomiting is bad, but it's no where near as bad as having a loss or not knowing if you'll ever have a child of your own.
2. An infertiles pregnancy journey, is vastly different to fertiles pregnancy journey.
3. If you've had a loss, you are constantly convinced it will happen again and again. Even when everything is going perfectly and normally you will find reasons why it isn't.
4. You still need your infertile friends because the pain of long term trying and loss doesn't go away.
5. You have conflicting feelings of joy and love and scaredness and detachment towards your unborn child.
6. Pregnancy books don't deal with what it is like to be pregnant after a loss or a long time trying to concieve.
7. Everyone who knows about your struggles forgets about it because now you are pregnant and 'okay.' It's alright if you are not 'okay'
8. You sometimes feel guilty that you are pregnant and your infertile friends aren't
These may all seem like negatives and they are not supposed to be, it's just a few things that I have noticed in my short 8 week journey so far. I feel like I'm in limbo land. It's an odd feeling. Of course I'm over joyed that I'm pregnant but sometimes I find it difficult to find my place in the realm of infertility and pregnancy. I just am not sure where I fit.
Only 6 sleeps until our scan! I'm actually allowing myself to get excited. In fact, I made a baby purchase the other day. When it arrives I'll tell you all about it.
2. An infertiles pregnancy journey, is vastly different to fertiles pregnancy journey.
3. If you've had a loss, you are constantly convinced it will happen again and again. Even when everything is going perfectly and normally you will find reasons why it isn't.
4. You still need your infertile friends because the pain of long term trying and loss doesn't go away.
5. You have conflicting feelings of joy and love and scaredness and detachment towards your unborn child.
6. Pregnancy books don't deal with what it is like to be pregnant after a loss or a long time trying to concieve.
7. Everyone who knows about your struggles forgets about it because now you are pregnant and 'okay.' It's alright if you are not 'okay'
8. You sometimes feel guilty that you are pregnant and your infertile friends aren't
These may all seem like negatives and they are not supposed to be, it's just a few things that I have noticed in my short 8 week journey so far. I feel like I'm in limbo land. It's an odd feeling. Of course I'm over joyed that I'm pregnant but sometimes I find it difficult to find my place in the realm of infertility and pregnancy. I just am not sure where I fit.
Only 6 sleeps until our scan! I'm actually allowing myself to get excited. In fact, I made a baby purchase the other day. When it arrives I'll tell you all about it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
12 weeks and 6 months
Today I'm 12 weeks pregnant.
Today is also 6 months since we had our first loss.
I'm trying to feel comfort and joy in the fact that I am pregnant again and I've made it to that 'magical' milestone, although it won't feel that magical until I see our baby again next week at our scan. I'm quitey pooing my pants about that to be perfectly honest. Actually thinking about it (which is all I've done since 5.45 this morning) is giving me a headache. Naturally I'm expecting the worst, which is really negative of me but how can I expect the best when only the worst has ever happened.
So I am happy that I'm 12 weeks pregnant, but I can't get it out of my mind that this time 6 months ago my world was slowly crushing down around me and my heart was breaking and that I saw my husband cry for the first time ever.
I loved that baby so much, we called it Baby Woggie, s/he was due on the 15th of April 2009, s/he will never be born and I'll never know what Baby Woggie looked like, I'll never know what his or her cry sounded like, I'll just never know any of that and it makes me sad.
I feel sad for this baby. Losing Baby Woggie has made me not give it a name, not talk to it and not get attached. Apparently I'm doing all of that as a coping strategy to prepare myself for the worst. To be honest with you it won't matter, if I lose this baby it won't matter that I never gave it a name or talked to it because I still love it and it will break my heart if we do lose it.
So at 12 weeks nothing new is happening, I could be getting a bit of a belly but it could also be bloating. I'm still sick and still happy about it. Although I'm thinking of getting a pillow installed on the toilet floor because tiles are hard and I think I should sit on something soft!!!
As I said our scan is not until next Wednesday so still 7 more sleeps to go, not that I'm counting.
Other than that nothing else is happening.
Today is also 6 months since we had our first loss.
I'm trying to feel comfort and joy in the fact that I am pregnant again and I've made it to that 'magical' milestone, although it won't feel that magical until I see our baby again next week at our scan. I'm quitey pooing my pants about that to be perfectly honest. Actually thinking about it (which is all I've done since 5.45 this morning) is giving me a headache. Naturally I'm expecting the worst, which is really negative of me but how can I expect the best when only the worst has ever happened.
So I am happy that I'm 12 weeks pregnant, but I can't get it out of my mind that this time 6 months ago my world was slowly crushing down around me and my heart was breaking and that I saw my husband cry for the first time ever.
I loved that baby so much, we called it Baby Woggie, s/he was due on the 15th of April 2009, s/he will never be born and I'll never know what Baby Woggie looked like, I'll never know what his or her cry sounded like, I'll just never know any of that and it makes me sad.
I feel sad for this baby. Losing Baby Woggie has made me not give it a name, not talk to it and not get attached. Apparently I'm doing all of that as a coping strategy to prepare myself for the worst. To be honest with you it won't matter, if I lose this baby it won't matter that I never gave it a name or talked to it because I still love it and it will break my heart if we do lose it.
So at 12 weeks nothing new is happening, I could be getting a bit of a belly but it could also be bloating. I'm still sick and still happy about it. Although I'm thinking of getting a pillow installed on the toilet floor because tiles are hard and I think I should sit on something soft!!!
As I said our scan is not until next Wednesday so still 7 more sleeps to go, not that I'm counting.
Other than that nothing else is happening.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
It's been a long time between blogs....
And I apologise. Thank you to the people who have been checking up on me.
I'm ok.
There are a few reason why I haven't blogged recently.
1. Morning sickness which should be called all day sickness, and no one told me that having a spew wouldn't make you feel better. I thought it would be like being drunk, you have a vomit, you get up and you're ready to go again. Not so. Don't mistake this for complaining, because I love it, and I'd happily vomit every day for the rest of my life if it ensured that this little baby makes it into our world safe and sound.
Actually I'm struggling at the moment with people who do complain about morning sickness. I'm a part of an online forum and each month there are Mummy threads, so I am in the September 2009 Mummy Thread. I've longed to be in one of those threads for over two years, from before we started trying. And now I find myself faced with it, I'm finding it difficult. Hearing people whinge about the horrifically of morning sickness and some of the unpleasant things that happen during pregnancy really gets to me. I guess it's that infertile, miscarriage survivor part of me it just hurts seeing people complain about something so, unimportant. There are so many worse things than being sick because you are pregnant. I want people to embrace the sickness, the giant boobs, the copious amounts of CM just like I do. As a blessing as something amazing that only the luckiest of woman get to experience.
2. This is an infertility blog, and I don't know how I feel about writing about pregnancy to an infertile audience and I don't know how you guys feel about reading about some one lucky enough to have lived and survived it. I'd appriciate feedback on this.
3. I'm scared. I'm scared if I write about it, I will jinx it. I was in discussion about 'Normal Pregnancy' today, about how infertility and loss makes successful pregnancy, the ones with baby at the end, something that happens to other people. I hate to admit this and I only did for the first time today, but........ As much as I am so over joyed about being pregnant, as much as I love day dreaming about the day our baby will be born, how our nursery will look, what our baby will be and what we will call him or her. I have no emotional attachment yet. I'm too scared. The first two times the emotional attachment I felt for our babies almost destroyed me when we lost them. It's not a conscious decicion I've made to feel like that, but just something that is. Something that I hope changes over time with this pregnancy.
4. There is not a great deal to say at the moment! Most of the time, I'm a bundle of nerves about what will happen when we go for our next scan in 3 and a half weeks time.
So now a word on the Pregnancy
Today I'm 9w4d, still spewing at least once a day, and generally feeling sick at other times. Other than that, there is not a great deal to say! We told our parents and somehow it seems the entire universe knows, which is really quite disappointing, I was hoping to tell people after our scan at 13 weeks.
Anyway for now, that is all.
I'm ok.
There are a few reason why I haven't blogged recently.
1. Morning sickness which should be called all day sickness, and no one told me that having a spew wouldn't make you feel better. I thought it would be like being drunk, you have a vomit, you get up and you're ready to go again. Not so. Don't mistake this for complaining, because I love it, and I'd happily vomit every day for the rest of my life if it ensured that this little baby makes it into our world safe and sound.
Actually I'm struggling at the moment with people who do complain about morning sickness. I'm a part of an online forum and each month there are Mummy threads, so I am in the September 2009 Mummy Thread. I've longed to be in one of those threads for over two years, from before we started trying. And now I find myself faced with it, I'm finding it difficult. Hearing people whinge about the horrifically of morning sickness and some of the unpleasant things that happen during pregnancy really gets to me. I guess it's that infertile, miscarriage survivor part of me it just hurts seeing people complain about something so, unimportant. There are so many worse things than being sick because you are pregnant. I want people to embrace the sickness, the giant boobs, the copious amounts of CM just like I do. As a blessing as something amazing that only the luckiest of woman get to experience.
2. This is an infertility blog, and I don't know how I feel about writing about pregnancy to an infertile audience and I don't know how you guys feel about reading about some one lucky enough to have lived and survived it. I'd appriciate feedback on this.
3. I'm scared. I'm scared if I write about it, I will jinx it. I was in discussion about 'Normal Pregnancy' today, about how infertility and loss makes successful pregnancy, the ones with baby at the end, something that happens to other people. I hate to admit this and I only did for the first time today, but........ As much as I am so over joyed about being pregnant, as much as I love day dreaming about the day our baby will be born, how our nursery will look, what our baby will be and what we will call him or her. I have no emotional attachment yet. I'm too scared. The first two times the emotional attachment I felt for our babies almost destroyed me when we lost them. It's not a conscious decicion I've made to feel like that, but just something that is. Something that I hope changes over time with this pregnancy.
4. There is not a great deal to say at the moment! Most of the time, I'm a bundle of nerves about what will happen when we go for our next scan in 3 and a half weeks time.
So now a word on the Pregnancy
Today I'm 9w4d, still spewing at least once a day, and generally feeling sick at other times. Other than that, there is not a great deal to say! We told our parents and somehow it seems the entire universe knows, which is really quite disappointing, I was hoping to tell people after our scan at 13 weeks.
Anyway for now, that is all.
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