Nessun Dorma

Nessun Dorma

The only 2 words that take away my pain, well momentarily, but that is still such a huge relief.

I've been struggling the last few days, really struggling (You might have guessed that from my last post!?)

I've recently found out that 2 family members are due right near my EDD with Baby Woggie, I had lost count of where I should have been up to in my pregnancy, but with news of other family members you kind of start thinking about it. Well I did, so (stupidly) I counted how many weeks I should have been and since then I've been so so down about it. And reading or talking to people with babies about how terrible the lack of sleep is and other common baby problems just has really got me down.

I know they are well within their rights to complain, I do, I just wish they could realise that honestly there are worse things than a crying baby at 2am. I know I'm equally guilty of this, I'm sure there are people who read my blog that think "Sheesh, only 2 miscarriages and 19 months of TTC, that is nothing" and I'm aware of that, in terms of infertility, I don't have it that bad.


Anyway, back to Nessun Dorma...

Last night we went to the Opera to see Turandot, I know NOTHING about Opera, I'm not an Opera person at all, by any stretch of the imagination. However, our wedding song 'Nessun Dorma' comes from Turandot(and how that came to be our wedding song, really is a long story). So we went to see Turandot. I was in a foul mood and didnt want to go, I tried to curl my hair and look pretty in the hope of feeling better. One side curled the other stayed flat, so then I had to straighten it all. Because of this I had no time to put on any make up, so I looked normal, and not beautiful. When we got to the theater my high heel got caught in the lift door and broke and so I was feeling really peeved and really couldn't be arsed concentrating on a bunch of people singing in a language which I don't understand!

So Act I and Act II come and go, and then act 3 comes along and the character Calaf comes out and starts singing Nessun Dorma (made famous by Pavarotti) and as soon as the words "Nessun Dorma" were sung by the chorus before Calaf got into it, a wave of calm came over me, Mr Woggie gave my hand a little squeeze and I felt good, just for a few minutes, I felt okay.

So here it is for your (or my) enjoyment!
Nessun Dorma

The Green Eyed Monster

Is in full force right now. I'm feeling resentful, envious and very jealous. And I HATE feeling like this. I really don't want to feel like this at all, but I can't help it.

Simple things like seeing belly pictures in user avatars and pregnancy tickers are seriously hurting my heart. I'm reminded that today I should have been 16 weeks pregnant, yes 16 weeks and I'm not. I'm not even a little bit pregnant, not even possibly pregnant and it hurts so so much.

My heart breaks for Mr. Woggie, from our first date, I knew he wanted children, being a father was the one thing he wanted in life, he deserves to be a Dad so much, he will be a wonderful Dad. Instead he marries a mutant who firstly can't get pregnant but then who has back to back miscarriages.

It makes me angry for people to be so blase about being pregnant (I know, I need to stop reading and listening to people who talk about how terrible it is to be big and uncomfortable, I would happily swap with those people in a heartbeat, if they want to feel comfortable, seriously, I'll take away their pain. (I'm a generous lass!!!)

I wish it was one of life's little guarantee's, but sadly its not :( I'm reminded of that by seeing my Mum's best friend, after many failed IVF cycles they are childless and it makes me so scared that could be me.

How it has been different this time.

I thought, when I started to miscarry 'At least I know what to expect this time' How wrong I was! Nothing at all has been the same.

Last time I got minor cramping accompanied by heavy bleeding, but emotionally I was a wreck.

This time, my miscarriage kicked off with 1 day of spotting (it was 4 days last time) accompanied by vomiting on and off on Friday. The cramps this time lasted for 3 whole days. With really really heavy bleeding. And by the looks of it the bleeding will last a lot longer than last time too.

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. Although I'm scared because I was doing ok at this point last time too. And emotionally I'm not over the loss of Baby Woggie, so I don't know if I've even comprehended this loss yet. I'm feeling a lot more angry, bitter and twisted and frustrated now.

Last time, I felt positive that I could get pregnant, it was a miracle and that was my silver lining. This time I can't find a silver lining, sure I can get pregnant, but that means nothing when you can't stay pregnant.

I think my body is giving up, I've got a horrible head cold, it really is telling me to take a break from it all. So I'm going to listen. I've shut down my FF account for now so I can't obsess over which CD I am on. I want to get some romance and love happening with Mr. Woggie again, hopefully not actively TTC will help us get that back.

Thank you to everyone for all of their lovely comments in my last post, it is so nice to know that I have all of you.

Let me tell you about my week....

To cut along story short, I was pregnant, We were really happy, but then I thought I wasn't pregnant, so we were really sad, then I thought I was pregnant (my symptoms started coming back) then yesterday I started bleeding, vomiting and having really bad cramps, so now I am not pregnant anymore. I was 5w1d along, so I didn't even make it past 5w5d.

Emotionally I am just exhausted, if I was allowed to sleep for a month, I think I could do it happily, if I could become a hermit, I would.

So where to from here? A break, at least until the New Year, then we will reassess.

Thank you to the people who have supported me over the last few days and thank you to EndoBaby for writing about me on her blog :D

A dedication to my wonderful husband

We have had a really shitty week, a week from hell would probably come close to describing it (and I will write more on that later) but my husband has been amazing and continues to amaze me with the love he feels for me.

This morning he came home and gave me these



And I found this little verse on the internet a long time ago, I don't know who wrote it or where it comes from but it says exactly what I want to say..


More than I Love You

I want to say more than just "I LOVE YOU"

Sometimes I need to tell you you’re the love I live for , you’re my dreams made into reality.

Yours are the arms that hold me close, and it is the sunshine that brings a ray of sunshine to even the darkest days.

You are the one who tells me to keep believing in myself, in you, and in us.

You have become a part of me I could never live without.

The worst thing you can say to an infertile.....

Ok so there are a whole list of things you can say to an infertile, and I won't list them because you all know what they are (but feel free to add your horror stories here!)

I was talking to a friend the other night and her best friend (who is a guy)had a baby (well his wife did - but you know what I mean, I've heard my freind mention this particular friend of hers maybe a handful of times and I knew that they were expecting a baby soon, and I asked if it had been born yet. Yes was the answer and then came something out of the blue, I was not expecting....

"Why don't you come and visit them with me when I go in the next few days"

I was stunned, shocked, horrified and mortified.

Not only do I not know this person from a bar of soap and it would be highly inappropriate for me to go and visit their brand new baby... BUT I struggle with the arrival of babies from the people that I like and love, it breaks my heart seeing them, because it is what I would die to have, but it would be made a billion times worse seeing it from a random person who I don't know and who does not know me.

Now that I'm writing this out, I feel like maybe I have over reacted, and maybe I have, I didn't say that to her of course, I just made up a dumb excuse. But I feel hurt that a friend can completely ignore that I am infertile and we even had a conversation about it the other day.

Friendship Award

I've been tagged, for the first time ever for the friendship award by
Yaya Stuff


Thank you so so so much Alicia, it means so much to know that I've done something to help you. Your support has been amazing too me over the last little while, can I tag you back? I have no idea how this works but I'll give it my best shot!

So the questions, if I have tagged you are (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!)

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
Not really, I have 1 friend who I have known since I was 6 years old and another who I've known since the first day of high school, all the rest are new friends made from university and infertility groups.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
Their support and understanding through the hardest times of my life.

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Absolutely! They listen to me whinge and whine endlessly!

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
Watching movies and eating chocolate. A few drinks no and then never goes astray either!!!

I'm tagging...
Endo Baby
Just Me
Oh Emily
Murgdan
Cara

National Babies Day.

Today is National Babies Day, run by the The Bonnie Babes Foundation

The Bonnie Babes Foundation supports people who have experienced stillbirth and miscarriage, they offer a free counseling service and free books about grief, the counseling is run by volunteers and I think it is invaluable, it certainly has been for me over the last little while, I've been using their services to help me get by.

If you think you may need the support and service of the Bonnie Babes foundation please email them or phone them.

Now on to that nasty TTC thing, I feel like I'm done with it, really done. Mr. Woggie and I haven't talked about it yet because we've had people here and been out for the last few nights but I think the time has come to take a break for a while. I've picked myself up so many times before but at the moment I really am struggling. My point of view my change in the next few days, but right now I just need a rest. As one of my wonderful friends put so beautifully "Sometimes you just have no more to give" and that is exactly how I feel right now. My period is due in on Sunday and maybe I'm just feeling emotional because of that.

Family = Children

Well I disagree. At the moment K-Rudd (Australia's Prime Minister - I've added a pic just because I can!) is all about helping out families in this time of 'economic uncertainty" So he decides to spend half the budget surplus (11 million dollars of it) on helping people out. I'm all for helping people out, I think it is great helping people out BUT why does family mean you must have kids? I'm trying my hardest to have a baby, spending more on my possible child before it's even been conceived than most of these 'families' have and they get $1000 per kid....please someone explain to me how that is fair. I know the logic behind it, he wants them to spend it to boost the economy but they will spend it plus more and MY home loan interest rates will go up when I didn't get any money to spend in the first place. I'm making huge generalisations here I do realise that, but I'm sick of childless people being left out of the budget.

I also find it somewhat sad, that on a certain forum I visit the discussion about this had led to many LTTTCers (Long Term Trying To Conceive) people have addressed the issue and said, well what about us? They have been ignored. Just another instance of infertility being swept under the rug like it doesn't exist. This is starting to really get to me and it's making me cross, really cross. People avoid talking about infertility like the plague, why is that? I've been trying to talk to a colleague about it and she just brushes it off as people 'not having enough sex' seriously do non infertile people honestly think that is why we can't have babies?

I can't remember what I thought about it before I was TTC, maybe I didn't think about it, maybe people like me are the problem.

Feeling a litte bit hopeless....

I'm feeling a little crappy this morning. I know in my heart I'm not pregnant, I'm just going through all the motions of thinking maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I know I'm not. I don't feel like I felt in the days leading up to my BFP last time, I feel, exactly the way I have felt for 17 cycles out of the last 18. Like shit.

The next cycle is our last cycle TTC, in a way I'm feeling sad about it, I'm sad that it means it's our last chance of doing it without injections and medical instruments, I don't care about the sex because even that has become like a business transaction these. We are not going to TTC over Christmas because I want to be happy, not upset, not stressed. I remember last Christmas I was convinced that it was my last Christmas without a baby. What a fool. Although that doesn't stop me from thinking that I'll have a baby next Christmas. I'm in a rut. Please help me out.

Just plodding along.

Honestly nothing is happening with me at the moment. At all. I'm somewhere in the TWW - yes still, seems like a three week wait but I don't think it is! I'm guessing that AF is due next weekend at some point.

Symptoms - Minor cramping, creamy CM, sore boobs. Exactly what happened when I was pregnant last time, I'm trying to not get to far ahead of myself but it is hard, really hard, I just want it so so much. I'd like nothing more than to tell the family I was pregnant at Christmas time, or even on my mum's birthday. I won't be blogging about it here though, mainly because family and friends read this blog and it's going to be a secret this time round, I just don't want to deal with other peoples emotions if things went pear shaped again. Last time I had my Mum devastated that I was miscarrying which made me feel like I had to look after her, I had other people pissed off that they didn't find out, which then didn't allow me to grieve because I was so angry about having to justify why I didn't tell anyone except online people and our parents. So this time the secret will be staying with me, until we've told everyone. I honestly believe that other people's negative reactions really helped make me feel depre4sed about the whole thing, which I'm still suffering from. I am getting counseling though, I know some of you have been worried about me but I'm getting help and I'm getting better.

I can't remember if I've posted about this but we canceled the FS appointment for the 15th. Well I didn't, I made Mr. Woggie do it! We will go back if I'm not pregnant by January or February, I just want time out for now and I don't want to start IUI, I just don't have what it takes to jab myself with a needle at the moment. If I don't get pregnant this cycle, I'm also going to start looking for permanent work, instead of just doing contracts, I've put it off for the last year and a half because I though 'I'd only be in my job for 9 months so there would be no point' Basically I'm sick of infertility being in control of my life, I'm taking the control back.

A few weeks ago I showed photos of our European holiday the German part. Here are some Russian photos.

Share my story, but share it properly.

I blog for various reasons, to get it all out and to share in my journey of infertility. This is my story warts and all. I vent, about people genearlly not specific people, for a number of reasons. I know what it is like to read hurtful things about yourself, and usually the experiences I have with the good and bad people don't just occur from a specific person, usually its a culmination of annoying things that upset me, usually from uneducated people. I also have family and friends that I know read this blog and sometimes, it is easier for them to read this to know how I'm feeling than having to spill the beans and actually talk about it. And honestly, there is only so many times you can retell the story about the day you had your miscarriage.

I don't mind people sharing my story to give others hope, or light or faith or information, that pleases me. What doesn't please me, is when parts of my story get left out or fabricated. I've told friends of friends they can contact me for support or information. And recently I found out that someone has been sharing my story (or airing my dirty laundry as I've heard someone say :D ) And they were not informed that my 'miracle pregnancy' ended in miscarriage, which upsets me because whilst I want my story to give others hope, I don't feel it is ok, to dismiss the baby that I had and leave that part out. Not for me, for my baby. YES I got pregnant, YES that is a miracle, but I lost my baby, don't forget that part.

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I haven't written about my endo for a while, so I thought I would take the opportunity to do it now. I didn't get severe cramps last cycle, the cramps were still there but not the kind where i can't sit up and they make me vomit! But I've been getting the pain in other places, like when Mr. Woggie and I *cough, cough* DTD and when I need to go to the toilet, I've read these are both common problems and thought that thus far I was lucky enough not to get them. Julie the FS said that if my endo was going to come back I'd probably notice it within 4 months of the lap, and what do you know, it's almost been 4 months.

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I want to be one of them....

One of those people that just gets pregnant. I'm feeling quite (embarrassingly so)jealous at the moment, of people who get pregnant on their first or second go, fifth or sixth go for that matter, or anyone who hasn't had to see a FS. I'm so so so envious of fertile people and of people who will never understand how this feels.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish IF on my worst enemy, but I wish non IFers would take it seriously, or say something or acknowledge that it is painful. Yes, I know there are good IFers out there, there are, many of you comment on my blog, I guess it's the ones who don't care who I want to change. Pointless, because I know they won't change.

Rant Over.


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Mr. Woggie and I had a really busy weekend. We spent the weekend down at his parents house, they live about 2 hours South of here near Byron Bay. It is really really beautiful, in fact so beautiful that we got married there.

It was a nice relaxing weekend, I read alot which I haven't done in ages.

On Friday, Mr. Woggie attending to some business with his father and I read and napped. On Saturday there was a big Harley Davidson thing in town with about 2500 bikers (town population about 15 000) Mr. Woggie and his Dad got to go on a free (free - music to Mr. Woggie's ears)Harley ride, they actually got to ride a Harley for 30 minutes! They had a great time! I sat under a tree, sipped ginger beer and read my book. Then we went to lunch at the pub - the view was amazing!

On Sunday we had to get up really early and drive for about 1.5 hours to Grafton to see Mr. Woggie's nieces in a ski boat race. It was interesting, but not something I'll be participating in next year! I think you either love fast boats and water skiing or you don't! And since I look like a 'Dugong' (yes people, a sea cow) when I attempt to water ski, it's really not my thing. (We have video footage and I really prey to god that it never makes it onto you tube! - thank goodness Mr. Woggie is computer illiterate!)

After the ski race we drove home, took about 4 hours all up. Summer is certainly here early with a 30 something temperature today, I must say I'm not looking forward to the actual summer.

I'm working full time this week, it will probably kill me! But at least it will be good taking my mind off "Am I pregnant, Arent I pregnant" at least I hope it does.



Some wedding pictures at Lennox Head - just for fun!

Those baby gods hate me.

And I'm not loving them so much right now either. SERIOUSLY!

I was supposed to be having my 12 week scan today. I can deal with that I think to myself, until Mr. Woggie gets back from the doctor and I have to take him to give blood samples and urine samples for a back problem he's got.

To get to the blood room, we have to walk right through the maternity ward and the particular hospital I was supposed to be at and right past the scanning place where I should have been sitting at that very moment, waiting to see my beautiful baby for the very first time. Most of the time we get bloods taken at a different place (it's more convenient) but this time Dean's doctor wouldn't allow it and said it HAD to be done at that hospital. Quite possibly that would have been okay, until I had to see pregnant women akimbo, strutting around in all their glory, rubbing my infertility and miscarriage in, making me feel like a Queen of Barrenness. Okay, so they weren't doing it on purpose but that is exactly how it felt to me.

I realise I have not been keeping any one updated about my TTCedess, well I'm either about to ovulate or have just ovulated so keep everything crossed for the biggest and fattest BFP you have ever seen in 2 weeks time!!

Andrea.

Andrea was my cousin, she was born on the 15th of August 1970 and passed away on the 1st of October 2003 - 5 years ago today.

This morning I took some beautiful Iris' and went and visited her and had breakfast with her. It is a tradition, my Mum and her parents do it on each anniversary of her passing. Probably the most tragic thing about Andrea's death, was that she left behind 3 beautiful children all very very young, with the baby only 18 months old. Andrea wanted nothing more in her life than to be a wife and mother and it is so so sad and cruel and unfair that she was only able to fulfill that dream for a few short years. Andrea was 12 years older than me, and I remember looking up to her when I was young and whenever I had a huge decision to make I would think "What would Andrea do"

We had a really really close bond, and I miss her, miss her so so much. I feel bad that in the last few years we neglected each other, she got busy with being married and having a family and I got busy with being a rotten teenager. When I was 15 I was her bridesmaid, I wanted to be her flower girl and constantly asked her that when I was young!!! I always vowed to have her as my matron of honor but she never made it to see me get married, instead I had her beautiful daughter as my flower girl.


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Now onto other 1st of October News. I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant today, luckily, I have a wonderful friend 'Tulip' who took me to get my nails done, took me to Lunch and Coffee and generally helped me feel a whole heap better than I would have if I stayed at home alone. Tulip really is a person in a million, I met her online quite sometime ago and then we met in person in January this year and we just clicked and have seen each other quite regularly ever since. It is Tulip's birthday today and instead of thinking of herself and spending the day with her two beautiful sons she spent the day with me. Words, really can't say how I feel about her, she means so much to me and is one of my best friends.

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I've been a bit lazy with blogging since ICLW, I just needed to take a little break after all of my 122 messages I wrote! I definitely have some new favourite blogs, I learned so much during my visits and I really enjoyed doing it!

Nothing is happening in the TTC world, I'm supposed to be ovulating right about now but since I have no 'fertile' signs, I'm not sure what my body is doing.

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