Mission acomplished.

Is what Mr Woggie said after his semen analysis :D I think it was more traumatic for me than it was for him!

We got the results back today and they appear to be "normal" I'm happy because that is one thing we have got going for us, but it made me feel really REALLY bad, like it is all my fault. I didnt expect to not feel overwhelmingly happy about normal sperm results, instead I feel like more of a failure than I did before.

I want a miracle...

It seems like it happens to everyone but not me.

Don't get me wrong I don't begrudge people who it happened easily for but I wish it could have happened like that for me. I want to feel that overwhelming feeling of happiness and all of my dreams have come true.

I see stories of people getting AF and then finding out they are pregnant and it gives me false hope, makes me wonder if even if I have just had AF it is possible for me too. In my heart of hearts I know its not but I just want it to happen so bad.

I just can't shake that feeling...

Of being angry and annoyed. I'm more annoyed that there is nothing I can actually do to help myself, that is so frustrating.

Im frustrated that no one really understands, people's reaction is to tell me it will be ok. I'm really not sure why I bother talking about it anymore. I think even Dean is sick of hearing me crap on about it all the time.

I just want the 4th of June to be here so I can book the surgery and move one and hopefully have a chance on being pregnant.

Before this at least I looked forward to the begining of new cycle, it gave me hope, but now I know that it really is not possible to get pregnant naturally I have no hope so every passing day just seems like a waste of time.

I Would Die For That

A particularly poingent song in my life right now. Called "I Would Die For That" It pretty much describes how I am feeling at this point in my life.

Below are the lyrics AND if I can figure out how to link the YouTube Video I will!!


I Would Die For That - Kellie Coffey

Jenny was my best friend
Went away one summer
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep
A child inside her
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had
I would die for that.

I've been given so much
A husband that I love
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up
He wonders if it's him
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family
Like everyone else I see
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life
For that kind of love
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive
With all that I've got
And all I've achieved
What I want most
Before my time is gone
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life
How I would love
I would die, I would die for that...

Ahhh geeeez.

Why can't I stop feeling angry. The smallest thing is pissing me off these days. I'm such a basket case. I just want answers, why did this happen to me? Have I not had enough bad luck in my life, I thought I deserved something to go the right way.

I know I am lucky, I have a wonderful supportive amazing husband who I could not do this without (for obvious reasons lol!) but I'm greedy and I want it all.

Everyone is bored of listening to me whinge about it now, not that I blame them, I'd be bored of me whinging too! It is just so hard to explain to someone how scary it is the possibility that you may never conceive a child, I have to think to myself, I may never be a mum. And I know there is IVF and all sorts of therapies going around these days and people tell me that. But it's not the point, I don't want to conceive through IVF I want to do it naturally, something that is becoming less and less likely.

I'm scared of the heart break that IVF is going to cause, nothing happening month after month is terrible but when you are going through so much to make it happen and it still doesnt is going to be excruciating. I don't know if I am strong enough to go through it. I guess time will tell.

The last week....

Has been really shit. We went to our first Fertility Specialist (FS from now on!) last week and it was just crap.

I have suspected Endo, PCO/PCOS, I have lots of cysts on one ovary, The FS also mentioned something about me possibly having Adenomyosis, faaaannntastic. I have one ovaries that appear to be a very strange shape, kind of pear shaped.

Apart from all of the doom and gloom news the FS gave us she was actaully quite good, she was very thorough and knew all her stuff! I have to have a laparoscopy, the wait in the public system is going to be 6-8 months, the alternative is waiting 4-6 weeks and paying $3500-$5000. We have decided to get it done ASAP because it appears that getting it done without it, really is not possible.

Over the last week I have had every emotion possible. But right now I am just feeling an overwhelmingly angry and frustrated and all I can keep saying is WHY ME. Why can't I be a fertile person.

I had a pregnancy dream last night and it has just made me feel terrible. Everyone I have told about the FS and her doom and gloom news has tried to tell me that they have "feelings" that I will be pregnant one day. Well lucky them! I don't have that feeling, I want that feeling but right now it just seems so friggin impossible. I hate that I cant tell my brother about this, we used to be so close, but if I told him and his wife found out she would be so smug and happy about it. Imagine that, being happy at someone else's expense, when they are feeling hurt and sad and miserable.

Mr Woggie is getting is "little boys" tested next week, I hope and pray that one thing, just one thing can go right in this journey to create our little miracle. After that we wait until the 4th of June for the second FS appointment and then book the surgery.