$$$$

The dollars just keep on slowly disappearing. The operation is going to cost about $5000. Each appointment with Julie costs about $80, Mr Woggie's SA cost $120. I could go on and on and on, the scary thing is it's not over yet. I desperately hope that we don't need IVF, Mr Woggie says not to worry about the money but I know he only says that to make me feel better because he really is worrying.

People always said that the first year of marriage is tough, compared to the last few months that was nothing!! I think people should say infertility is tough on your marriage. I'm sure those that have experienced do say that.

Lately I have been trying to imagine what our bub will look like, when it will be born, how I will announce the news to Mr Woggie. Mr Woggie came up with a nick name for the baby when it is in my tummy, he wants to call it "Bun" which I think is really cute. Cause it will be our Bun in the oven!

I've been feeling uneasy about the Op but there is nothing I can do about it, it is unavoidable. I was hoping I'd get a last minute reprieve by getting pregnant but obviously that wasn't meant to be. I'm coping ok at the moment (and this will sound terrible) because I have no newly pregnant friends who have only been trying for a few months, but I am assuming it is only a matter of time until that happens.

Anyway I could write and write but I've got to go and pay a bill!

Mission acomplished.

Is what Mr Woggie said after his semen analysis :D I think it was more traumatic for me than it was for him!

We got the results back today and they appear to be "normal" I'm happy because that is one thing we have got going for us, but it made me feel really REALLY bad, like it is all my fault. I didnt expect to not feel overwhelmingly happy about normal sperm results, instead I feel like more of a failure than I did before.

The last week....

Has been really shit. We went to our first Fertility Specialist (FS from now on!) last week and it was just crap.

I have suspected Endo, PCO/PCOS, I have lots of cysts on one ovary, The FS also mentioned something about me possibly having Adenomyosis, faaaannntastic. I have one ovaries that appear to be a very strange shape, kind of pear shaped.

Apart from all of the doom and gloom news the FS gave us she was actaully quite good, she was very thorough and knew all her stuff! I have to have a laparoscopy, the wait in the public system is going to be 6-8 months, the alternative is waiting 4-6 weeks and paying $3500-$5000. We have decided to get it done ASAP because it appears that getting it done without it, really is not possible.

Over the last week I have had every emotion possible. But right now I am just feeling an overwhelmingly angry and frustrated and all I can keep saying is WHY ME. Why can't I be a fertile person.

I had a pregnancy dream last night and it has just made me feel terrible. Everyone I have told about the FS and her doom and gloom news has tried to tell me that they have "feelings" that I will be pregnant one day. Well lucky them! I don't have that feeling, I want that feeling but right now it just seems so friggin impossible. I hate that I cant tell my brother about this, we used to be so close, but if I told him and his wife found out she would be so smug and happy about it. Imagine that, being happy at someone else's expense, when they are feeling hurt and sad and miserable.

Mr Woggie is getting is "little boys" tested next week, I hope and pray that one thing, just one thing can go right in this journey to create our little miracle. After that we wait until the 4th of June for the second FS appointment and then book the surgery.