At all the support I have received from my last post. I would never in my wildest dreams have thought that I could get more support from people I will probably never meet than the people that know me in real life. Although some of my real life friends have commented, I do appriciate you ladies, more than I can express in words.
I've made Iron Commentor!!! I finished on Friday, lucky I did because I haven't been on the computer since!!! I'll write about who I commented on, on which day and all about the Oktoberfest later.
I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has gone out of their way to share a story with me or to simply give me a hug and to say sorry for my loss.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Just when I start feeling ok.
I realise that it's only 1 week until I was supposed to be 12 weeks into my pregnancy and I was supposed to be having my first scan next week, and it hurts my heart, a lot. Please someone tell me that it will get easier around all the mile stones to do with my pregnancy that will never be? Please someone tell me that I'll be pregnant before too long and it will all be a painful memory and it will stop hurting my heart.
When I first found out I was pregnant and figured out the date that I would be 12 weeks (1st of October), it seemed like a life time away that I would have to wait for that first scan and for that first milestone to get here. And now I look back and think how fast it has gone and how it was not really that long to begin with. Now here I am supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant today and I'm no closer to being pregnant that I was 18 months ago.
I just want to stop feeling pain all the time. I don't want to forget Baby Woggie, but I want it to stop hurting.
I didn't want to post this because I'm really trying hard to stay positive and happy, but I just needed to get it out.
When I first found out I was pregnant and figured out the date that I would be 12 weeks (1st of October), it seemed like a life time away that I would have to wait for that first scan and for that first milestone to get here. And now I look back and think how fast it has gone and how it was not really that long to begin with. Now here I am supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant today and I'm no closer to being pregnant that I was 18 months ago.
I just want to stop feeling pain all the time. I don't want to forget Baby Woggie, but I want it to stop hurting.
I didn't want to post this because I'm really trying hard to stay positive and happy, but I just needed to get it out.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Ich bin ein kartoffel kopf!
Well not really! That means 'I am a potato head' in German, and tragically it's just about the only thing I can say in German!! It's needless to say that I was not at all good at breaking down language barriers when we were in Germany in April this year!
I love love love Germany, which is a good thing considering my husband's father is German/Yugoslav and he (FIL) loves anything to do with Germany. So being that it is Oktoberfest this weekend (even though it is September, I don't understand it either!) Mr. Woggie's parents are coming up here to go to the Oktoberfest. There will be much beer, kartoffeln, and yodelling. It should be a great day and I'll be sure to take some photos for you all too see!
But in the meantime I'd like to share some photos of our Germany holiday (we also went to Russia, Italy, Austria and Switzerland) but since it is Oktoberfest I'll only show you the German ones (remind me to show you the others sometime).
The time we spent in Europe was wonderful, we found ourselves again, we were oblivious to the world of IF and what we couldnt achieve, even getting my period in Switzerland wasnt that bad. It was to be the holiday where we made our baby, but honestly those 5 weeks we were away were the best of my life, I could go days without thinking of babies.
Anyway it was a wonderful time in our lives, without a doubt the happiest 5 weeks of my life, without further ado here are some Germany pictures....
Schloss Hohenschwangau
Schloss Neuschwanstein
Brandenberg Gate
Holocaust Memorial - Berlin
Berlin Wall
Green Beer in Berlin - Introduced by the French because the German beer was too bitter for them!
One foot in East Berlin and One Foot in West Berlin
Frankfurt Train Station - One of the fast trains we went on!
Old Part of Frankfurt, most of Frankfurt was bombed in WWII
River Main in Frankfurt
I love love love Germany, which is a good thing considering my husband's father is German/Yugoslav and he (FIL) loves anything to do with Germany. So being that it is Oktoberfest this weekend (even though it is September, I don't understand it either!) Mr. Woggie's parents are coming up here to go to the Oktoberfest. There will be much beer, kartoffeln, and yodelling. It should be a great day and I'll be sure to take some photos for you all too see!
But in the meantime I'd like to share some photos of our Germany holiday (we also went to Russia, Italy, Austria and Switzerland) but since it is Oktoberfest I'll only show you the German ones (remind me to show you the others sometime).
The time we spent in Europe was wonderful, we found ourselves again, we were oblivious to the world of IF and what we couldnt achieve, even getting my period in Switzerland wasnt that bad. It was to be the holiday where we made our baby, but honestly those 5 weeks we were away were the best of my life, I could go days without thinking of babies.
Anyway it was a wonderful time in our lives, without a doubt the happiest 5 weeks of my life, without further ado here are some Germany pictures....
Schloss Hohenschwangau
Schloss Neuschwanstein
Brandenberg Gate
Holocaust Memorial - Berlin
Berlin Wall
Green Beer in Berlin - Introduced by the French because the German beer was too bitter for them! 
One foot in East Berlin and One Foot in West Berlin
Frankfurt Train Station - One of the fast trains we went on!
Old Part of Frankfurt, most of Frankfurt was bombed in WWII
River Main in Frankfurt
Monday, September 22, 2008
Mummy?
Today I was thinking and I remembered reading a thread on a forum I frequent about when you become a Mum. There was a lot of discussion about it. Some said that you are a mother from the moment of conception others said not until the baby is born.
I don't know where I stand. *If* you consider motherhood starts from the moment of conception, what happens when you have a miscarriage? Do you get un-mumed, or do you stay as a mum. I'd like to consider myself a mother from the moment of conception and possibly if I was still pregnant I would be referring to myself as Mumma Woggie and not Mrs. Woggie.
I guess "physically" you are not a mother until you give birth to a baby, but I've carried a little live one inside me (albeit unsuccessfully and only for a very short time) but still enough.
So from dictionary.com
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - [muhth
-er] –noun
–adjective
–verb (used with object)
–verb (used without object)
—Idiom
I guess in some form of the word I can be classified as a mother, paying particular attention to
9.something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
and
17.to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.
I most certinaly did exercise protecting care over Baby Woggie, I was more careful of what went into my body than I have ever been at any other time of my life. Coffee went, chocolate went, anything that wasn't grown out of the ground and freshly prepared by me, for me went out the window. So according to that I could be classed as a mother.
I also acted maternally toward Baby Woggie I sang to him or her, I talked to him or her and said goodnight to him or her, told him or how much I was in love with them.
I don't feel like a mother though, I failed in keeping my baby healthy and alive, and I have nothing that looks and me and gives me love. So I guess I'm not really a mother, not yet anyway.
I'd be interested in hearing other opinions on this.
I don't know where I stand. *If* you consider motherhood starts from the moment of conception, what happens when you have a miscarriage? Do you get un-mumed, or do you stay as a mum. I'd like to consider myself a mother from the moment of conception and possibly if I was still pregnant I would be referring to myself as Mumma Woggie and not Mrs. Woggie.
I guess "physically" you are not a mother until you give birth to a baby, but I've carried a little live one inside me (albeit unsuccessfully and only for a very short time) but still enough.
So from dictionary.com
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - [muhth
-er] –noun | 1. | a female parent. |
| 2. | (often initial capital letter) one's female parent. |
| 3. | a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother. |
| 4. | a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent. |
| 5. | a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman. |
| 6. | mother superior. |
| 7. | a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone. |
| 8. | the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself. |
| 9. | something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source. |
| 10. | (in disc recording) a mold from which stampers are made. |
| 11. | being a mother: a mother bird. |
| 12. | of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love. |
| 13. | derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture. |
| 14. | bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals. |
| 15. | to be the mother of; give origin or rise to. |
| 16. | to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own. |
| 17. | to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward. |
| 18. | to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother. |
| 19. | mother of all, the greatest or most notable example of: the mother of all mystery novels. |
I guess in some form of the word I can be classified as a mother, paying particular attention to
9.something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
and
17.to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.
I most certinaly did exercise protecting care over Baby Woggie, I was more careful of what went into my body than I have ever been at any other time of my life. Coffee went, chocolate went, anything that wasn't grown out of the ground and freshly prepared by me, for me went out the window. So according to that I could be classed as a mother.
I also acted maternally toward Baby Woggie I sang to him or her, I talked to him or her and said goodnight to him or her, told him or how much I was in love with them.
I don't feel like a mother though, I failed in keeping my baby healthy and alive, and I have nothing that looks and me and gives me love. So I guess I'm not really a mother, not yet anyway.
I'd be interested in hearing other opinions on this.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Super Woman
I wanted to post again today, because everything I've been writing lately has been negative and I'm beginning to think that all my negative thinking is making me feel more negative. In the past I've been strong, remarkably strong and through some less than lovely experiences too.
The song "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys is slowly becoming a favourite of mine (it was bound to, I'm a huge Alicia fan). And I was listening to it at the gym yesterday, really listening to the lyrics and realised that it is one of those songs that "speaks to me"
So now I'm going to tell you about my Superwoman moments and why I will overcome infertility.
1. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. Only about 5 people in my life know that. I was sexually abused by my cousin who used to "baby sit me" from the age of 6-13. I never told a single person until I was 19 years old. When I told my mum when I was 19, it all came rushing back to me, I would relive the abuse. But I survived, I got one and I moved on and I am okay about it now. I can see my cousin and I can be polite and I don't panic and I don't fall into a mess.
2. I survived a horrific parental separation, my father had an affair (or many) from when I was about 6 years old until he was found out when I was 16 years old. It tore my family apart, it was not nice, but I survived that too.
3. I was in a nasty relationship for about 3 years and then he broke my heart it took me about 2 years to get over it, he was the man I planned to marry, but I survived.
4. My cousin died of complications from chicken pox and left 3 children under 4 years old. I helped her husband tell her 4 year old son that "Mummy was not coming home from the hospital" the saddest moment of my life thus far, but I survived.
5. I went to TAFE and then University to be a teacher for 5 years to finish my degree to find there is an over supply of teachers where I live, I get depressed about my constant unemployment and never ending job searching and the way I can't help out financially, I've survived this for 4 years and will continue to survive.
6. I'm now facing IF with endo, PCO and a disagreeable uterus, a recent miscarriage, my marriage being torn in all directions I don't feel like I'm going to survive, but I'm determined to survive.
This might seem like a negative post because I've just listed the 6 worst things to happen in my life but honestly it is a positive thing, I've come through all of these experience, each of them has made me the person I am today. If I wasn't the person I am today, I don't know if I would have my wonderful husband, I wouldn't have my wonderful IF friends, who although I wish I never had to meet under such awful circumstances, I'm glad I have.
IF will make me cherish my baby more than non IF person will ever understand, those sleepless nights, that morning sickness I will be grateful for it all.
To all my fellow IF girls, to all the people who have had a miscarriage, to me you are all Super Women, you get up each day and try again, against all the odds. It takes a special person to be able to do that. I dedicate this to you all.
Alicia Keys - Superwoman.
Lyrics
The song "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys is slowly becoming a favourite of mine (it was bound to, I'm a huge Alicia fan). And I was listening to it at the gym yesterday, really listening to the lyrics and realised that it is one of those songs that "speaks to me"
So now I'm going to tell you about my Superwoman moments and why I will overcome infertility.
1. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. Only about 5 people in my life know that. I was sexually abused by my cousin who used to "baby sit me" from the age of 6-13. I never told a single person until I was 19 years old. When I told my mum when I was 19, it all came rushing back to me, I would relive the abuse. But I survived, I got one and I moved on and I am okay about it now. I can see my cousin and I can be polite and I don't panic and I don't fall into a mess.
2. I survived a horrific parental separation, my father had an affair (or many) from when I was about 6 years old until he was found out when I was 16 years old. It tore my family apart, it was not nice, but I survived that too.
3. I was in a nasty relationship for about 3 years and then he broke my heart it took me about 2 years to get over it, he was the man I planned to marry, but I survived.
4. My cousin died of complications from chicken pox and left 3 children under 4 years old. I helped her husband tell her 4 year old son that "Mummy was not coming home from the hospital" the saddest moment of my life thus far, but I survived.
5. I went to TAFE and then University to be a teacher for 5 years to finish my degree to find there is an over supply of teachers where I live, I get depressed about my constant unemployment and never ending job searching and the way I can't help out financially, I've survived this for 4 years and will continue to survive.
6. I'm now facing IF with endo, PCO and a disagreeable uterus, a recent miscarriage, my marriage being torn in all directions I don't feel like I'm going to survive, but I'm determined to survive.
This might seem like a negative post because I've just listed the 6 worst things to happen in my life but honestly it is a positive thing, I've come through all of these experience, each of them has made me the person I am today. If I wasn't the person I am today, I don't know if I would have my wonderful husband, I wouldn't have my wonderful IF friends, who although I wish I never had to meet under such awful circumstances, I'm glad I have.
IF will make me cherish my baby more than non IF person will ever understand, those sleepless nights, that morning sickness I will be grateful for it all.
To all my fellow IF girls, to all the people who have had a miscarriage, to me you are all Super Women, you get up each day and try again, against all the odds. It takes a special person to be able to do that. I dedicate this to you all.
Alicia Keys - Superwoman.
Lyrics
ICLW - Kicks off today!!!
And I'm going to try my hardest to become an Iron Commenter, the way I see it there are 121 participants this month so that is an average of 17.something comments a day, so we will round that up to 18 and I SHOULD be able to do it. Thank goodness it is school holidays is all I can say and that Mr. Woggie is on night shift this week!
I'm starting to get anxious about TTC, ridiculously anxious. I know we probably shouldn't TTC when I'm feeling like this, but I can't not TTC because of the endo, the FS was adamant that October was the latest she wanted us to do it alone, so having a break is not really an option for us. I just wish I could be a normal person and just have enjoyable great sex with my husband and get pregnant. But I can't even think about sex being enjoyable and fun anymore, and that makes me so so so angry. Does it get better? I mean when you are pregnant or have had a child (apart from not wanting to have sex or being too tired) does sex stop being about making a baby and about enjoying being intimate? Or is it one of those things that will constantly remind me of TTC our first child.
I'm trying to do things like; paying no attention to what CD I am up to and not writing down in my dairy a possible test date, and I'm not going to be so strict with the philosophy of having sex every other day from day 10 to 18. So hopefully those little things will make things slightly better for me and help cure my anxiety. It's kind of ironic how when I was in my first relationship everytime my boyfriend and I had sex I was hoping to god that the condom wouldnt break and if it did that the pill would work. My, how times change.
I'm starting to get anxious about TTC, ridiculously anxious. I know we probably shouldn't TTC when I'm feeling like this, but I can't not TTC because of the endo, the FS was adamant that October was the latest she wanted us to do it alone, so having a break is not really an option for us. I just wish I could be a normal person and just have enjoyable great sex with my husband and get pregnant. But I can't even think about sex being enjoyable and fun anymore, and that makes me so so so angry. Does it get better? I mean when you are pregnant or have had a child (apart from not wanting to have sex or being too tired) does sex stop being about making a baby and about enjoying being intimate? Or is it one of those things that will constantly remind me of TTC our first child.
I'm trying to do things like; paying no attention to what CD I am up to and not writing down in my dairy a possible test date, and I'm not going to be so strict with the philosophy of having sex every other day from day 10 to 18. So hopefully those little things will make things slightly better for me and help cure my anxiety. It's kind of ironic how when I was in my first relationship everytime my boyfriend and I had sex I was hoping to god that the condom wouldnt break and if it did that the pill would work. My, how times change.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
One month today
Since we lost Baby Woggie. I can't believe it, it has gone so fast. It feels like it was years ago but that it only happened just last week.
Ironically, I got my period this morning. I feel ok about that. I knew that I wasn't going to get pregnant from an "accident" I was quietly hoping I was, but I knew that I wouldn't, so now we are back to square one, or rather cycle day one.
I honestly (and it feel so ridiculous saying this) don't know if I am more scared of not getting pregnant again or getting pregnant again. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage and I know I shouldn't even worry about that until or if it happens again, but I just can't help it.
Don't get me wrong. I want to get pregnant again, I had a dream last night I had a baby belly (it was so lovely) but I'm so annoyed that IF and a miscarriage has taken away my desire to be able to enjoy pregnancy.
Ironically, I got my period this morning. I feel ok about that. I knew that I wasn't going to get pregnant from an "accident" I was quietly hoping I was, but I knew that I wouldn't, so now we are back to square one, or rather cycle day one.
I honestly (and it feel so ridiculous saying this) don't know if I am more scared of not getting pregnant again or getting pregnant again. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage and I know I shouldn't even worry about that until or if it happens again, but I just can't help it.
Don't get me wrong. I want to get pregnant again, I had a dream last night I had a baby belly (it was so lovely) but I'm so annoyed that IF and a miscarriage has taken away my desire to be able to enjoy pregnancy.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Spotting
You bloody (literally) bastard!
I started getting brown tinged CM last night and while that is a great sign AF is on it's way and no I'm not upset that I'm not pregnant because sex twice with condoms = not pregnant. I'm very very annoyed that I am spotting. For me spotting is probably my first endo symptom, closely followed by excruciating pain. I'm quite devastated that I only had one period without spotting. It makes me so freaking scared that it is coming back and it is all going to take another 18 months and end in another miscarriage. I was trying so hard to be positive about getting pregnant and now I just feel shitty again. I feel like the lap was for nothing and that we are back at square one. I just don't know how much more I can take, it feels like knock after knock after knock. When will something, just one thing go right? I just want something to go my way. For once.
I started getting brown tinged CM last night and while that is a great sign AF is on it's way and no I'm not upset that I'm not pregnant because sex twice with condoms = not pregnant. I'm very very annoyed that I am spotting. For me spotting is probably my first endo symptom, closely followed by excruciating pain. I'm quite devastated that I only had one period without spotting. It makes me so freaking scared that it is coming back and it is all going to take another 18 months and end in another miscarriage. I was trying so hard to be positive about getting pregnant and now I just feel shitty again. I feel like the lap was for nothing and that we are back at square one. I just don't know how much more I can take, it feels like knock after knock after knock. When will something, just one thing go right? I just want something to go my way. For once.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I will say this once and once only.....
AF darling, wonderful, beautiful, where are you? Feel like visiting me any time soon? Any time lovely would be grand. I know you are hiding away somewhere I can feel it. The sooner you start the sooner I can get pregnant and the sooner I don't need to see you for about a year!!
Today is cycle day 30, well I assume it is. I assume that my first day of bleeding from the M/C was considered day one? Or did I not have a cycle at all this time? Anyone care to help out, clearly I know nothing about these things. Perhaps fertiles are right to ignore me.
Today is cycle day 30, well I assume it is. I assume that my first day of bleeding from the M/C was considered day one? Or did I not have a cycle at all this time? Anyone care to help out, clearly I know nothing about these things. Perhaps fertiles are right to ignore me.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Strange Place
I'm in quite a strange head space right now. I'm awaiting AF, which I was actually hoping would turn up today so I could have my regular 29 day cycle, but so far no AF, with no sign of AF either. And NO it is not possible I'm pregnant, there was that mishap with the condom, but seriously people like me don't get pregnant from accidents, so let's not even go there!
On Saturday I had a HUGE breakdown and I mean huge. I thought I was coping however I'm not. I'd been bottling up all of my feelings about the miscarriage and on Saturday OH. MY. GOODNESS. Did they come out. So I've decided that I probably need counseling. I'm so so angry I can't begin to describe it. I feel so so sorry for Mr. Woggie who has put up with my massive mood swings over the last week or so. I was so bad, we had one of those "Make it, or break it" moments. Where either our relationship was over or we moved on. He actually suggested I moved out and away overseas...I know, I know, I can hear you all gasping as you read this. BUT there is a long story about why he suggested it and it was actually I kind gesture, a kind of "I'm letting you go, if you want to leave" kind of thing. Not a "Let's seperate because you are a psychopath, insane, hormonal harpie" kind of suggestion.
To be honest, I contemplated it. It has been something I had planned to do since I was about 15 years old, it was in my "Life's Plan" since all of that flew out of the window, around about the time I was 15 due to many, many unforseen circumstances, Mr. Woggie suggested it and I actually thought about it. I thought about giving up and giving in to endo and infertility and having a miscarriage. For about 10 seconds, it seemed like a good idea, like the only way I would be happy again. But then I realised that I would only be happy for a matter of weeks and that all my infertility demons would still be here when I came back. I also can't even contenplate leaving Mr. Woggie, we did a long distance relationship when we first got together and I hated every second of it.
So from here, the plan is for me to have councelling and Mr Woggie and I to spend more time as a couple. We've been so busy lately, I can't even remember the last time we had time to ourselves just to enjoy being a couple.
So yesterday we decided to go on a Picnic. We had a lovely time just relaxing under some beautiful gum trees and chatting and snuggling.
On Saturday I had a HUGE breakdown and I mean huge. I thought I was coping however I'm not. I'd been bottling up all of my feelings about the miscarriage and on Saturday OH. MY. GOODNESS. Did they come out. So I've decided that I probably need counseling. I'm so so angry I can't begin to describe it. I feel so so sorry for Mr. Woggie who has put up with my massive mood swings over the last week or so. I was so bad, we had one of those "Make it, or break it" moments. Where either our relationship was over or we moved on. He actually suggested I moved out and away overseas...I know, I know, I can hear you all gasping as you read this. BUT there is a long story about why he suggested it and it was actually I kind gesture, a kind of "I'm letting you go, if you want to leave" kind of thing. Not a "Let's seperate because you are a psychopath, insane, hormonal harpie" kind of suggestion.
To be honest, I contemplated it. It has been something I had planned to do since I was about 15 years old, it was in my "Life's Plan" since all of that flew out of the window, around about the time I was 15 due to many, many unforseen circumstances, Mr. Woggie suggested it and I actually thought about it. I thought about giving up and giving in to endo and infertility and having a miscarriage. For about 10 seconds, it seemed like a good idea, like the only way I would be happy again. But then I realised that I would only be happy for a matter of weeks and that all my infertility demons would still be here when I came back. I also can't even contenplate leaving Mr. Woggie, we did a long distance relationship when we first got together and I hated every second of it.
So from here, the plan is for me to have councelling and Mr Woggie and I to spend more time as a couple. We've been so busy lately, I can't even remember the last time we had time to ourselves just to enjoy being a couple.
So yesterday we decided to go on a Picnic. We had a lovely time just relaxing under some beautiful gum trees and chatting and snuggling.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I want it sooooo bad....
Today I've had those really really really strong feelings of wanting. No. Needing, to be pregnant and have a baby. You know those days where you stick your tummy our as far as you can to see what you will look like when you are lovely and deliciously rounded in the tummy area. I want to see Mr. Woggie as a Dad, he will be so wonderful. I want to be a Mum, I want to hold my baby while it is sleeping and just stare at it.
I've also decided that even though I've always been against finding out the sex, I want to know. I want to start bonding with our long awaited bundle as soon as we can, I want to name it and get to know it as soon as I can.
I just want it so much it hurts.
I've also decided that even though I've always been against finding out the sex, I want to know. I want to start bonding with our long awaited bundle as soon as we can, I want to name it and get to know it as soon as I can.
I just want it so much it hurts.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Ignore the Stupid Infertile Woman
Cause what the frig would I know about getting pregnant. I HATE it. I try to give advice to people TTC and they ignore me. Do they think that just because it took 16 months to get pregnant and then I had a miscarriage I know NOTHING about TTC or getting pregnant. Clearly this is the case. It shits me to tears and makes me so so so frustrated. I'm not giving them advice for shits and giggles, seriously I'm trying to help. Although I may not be the best at getting myself up the duff, I've been around the block a few times, and usually my advice is pretty spot on. I've seen literally hundreds of woman get pregnant before me, I've learned a lot. Just because I CAN'T get pregnant does not mean I don't know HOW to get pregnant or what the doctors will say and do when you go to see them because your period is 3 seconds late. Get over it. It happens. They will send you home and tell you to wait it out. You've done 100 pregnancy tests and they are all negative? That is because YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT.
I want to shake people, lots of people! Mainly people who think that if I am having a bad day, it is about them, people who think that me not telling them I was pregnant reflects upon how I feel about them. It has nothing to do with them.
I want to shake people who tell me "It is for the best" "There was something wrong with your baby" "It's better that you lost in now than having a child born with something wrong with it"
I want to shake fertiles who tell me to "relax" or people who tell me "everything happens for a reason," "it will happen when the time is right," "to be positive."
And to the person whose cats keeps on howling and hissing and fighting shut them up or I'll let my dog eat your fury little pets!!!
Right now, I'm angry and bitter and twisted. I was supposed to be 9 weeks tomrrow. I was supposed to tell my Dad on Fathers Day, I was supposed to be able to give Mr. Woggie a Fathers Day card. None of that happened. Instead we ate chocolate in silence.
I want to shake people, lots of people! Mainly people who think that if I am having a bad day, it is about them, people who think that me not telling them I was pregnant reflects upon how I feel about them. It has nothing to do with them.
I want to shake people who tell me "It is for the best" "There was something wrong with your baby" "It's better that you lost in now than having a child born with something wrong with it"
I want to shake fertiles who tell me to "relax" or people who tell me "everything happens for a reason," "it will happen when the time is right," "to be positive."
And to the person whose cats keeps on howling and hissing and fighting shut them up or I'll let my dog eat your fury little pets!!!
Right now, I'm angry and bitter and twisted. I was supposed to be 9 weeks tomrrow. I was supposed to tell my Dad on Fathers Day, I was supposed to be able to give Mr. Woggie a Fathers Day card. None of that happened. Instead we ate chocolate in silence.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Chocolate anyone?
So we went to the Starlight Foundation Charity Ball last night! Had a blast! There were silent auctions, and actual auctions. My best friend and I had been eying off a 10kg block of Cadbury Chocolate, joking that we were going to bid on it....Until we heard that last year it got sold for $400, so we decided we were going to start saving and buy it next year!
Anyway they bring up the Chocolate and we make a bid for $50, all of a sudden it is $100 and we decide that is too much, but the lady at our table decides she is going to keep bidding for us! We were freaking out....All of a sudden it gets sold to us for $140 - Much more than we wanted to pay! But the kind lady said she would pay for $70 and we could put in $35 each. So we were chuffed thinking we had 2.5kgs of chocolate each, until the kind lady said "I don't like chocolate, have 5kgs each!"
So we had to carry 10kg of chocolate home with us!!! Here are some pics of our choclatey adventure!!
Chocolate block of all chocolate blocks!
My best friend S and her Hubby O, Mr. Woggie and I (I'm in the brown dress!)
S and I in our very cool movie star sunnies with our much love prize!
Mr. Woggie taking the chocolate home....Hard work!!
In the silent auctions we bid on some baby gear (Mr. Woggies idea, which made me fall even more in love with him!) We didnt win both of them, but we did win one, we won it for $30 and got 2 Baby Gap Jump Suits, a baby gap pair of pants, 3 baby books; Top 100 Baby Purees, The New Contented Little Baby Book and The Rough Guide to Babies.
We also won a dog toy pack, I'm unable to photograph that as Ozzie has already claimed his prize! He got a tyre on a rope (he now has two of those!) A squeaky steak and a doggie dummy!
The theme of the night was "Hollywood Stars" as we arrived we had to have a lucky dip for a wrist band, each wrist band had an actor or actress's name on it. I was Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mr. Woggie was Samuel L Jackson, S was Gwenth Paltrow and O was Frank Sinatra! They had an Oscar kind of cermony where they annoucned best Supporting Actor and Actress and Best Actor and Actress, you will never guess who won Best Actress ***Drum Roll Please*****
Catherine Zeta-Jones!!!!
So I got a $50 DFO voucher!!
When we arrived we each got given a pair of FCUK sunglasses (hence the reason we are wearing them in our pictures!!!
At the end of the night, we could purchase the photos that had been taken on the "Red Carpet" we loved the one of the group so we bought it!
We had a an absolute ball! I had such a fun night going out. It was just what the doctor ordered! I feel like a new woman! We've decided that we are going to make it a yearly tradition and we are going to win that chocolate again next year too!!
Anyway they bring up the Chocolate and we make a bid for $50, all of a sudden it is $100 and we decide that is too much, but the lady at our table decides she is going to keep bidding for us! We were freaking out....All of a sudden it gets sold to us for $140 - Much more than we wanted to pay! But the kind lady said she would pay for $70 and we could put in $35 each. So we were chuffed thinking we had 2.5kgs of chocolate each, until the kind lady said "I don't like chocolate, have 5kgs each!"
So we had to carry 10kg of chocolate home with us!!! Here are some pics of our choclatey adventure!!
Chocolate block of all chocolate blocks!
My best friend S and her Hubby O, Mr. Woggie and I (I'm in the brown dress!)
S and I in our very cool movie star sunnies with our much love prize!
Mr. Woggie taking the chocolate home....Hard work!!
In the silent auctions we bid on some baby gear (Mr. Woggies idea, which made me fall even more in love with him!) We didnt win both of them, but we did win one, we won it for $30 and got 2 Baby Gap Jump Suits, a baby gap pair of pants, 3 baby books; Top 100 Baby Purees, The New Contented Little Baby Book and The Rough Guide to Babies.
We also won a dog toy pack, I'm unable to photograph that as Ozzie has already claimed his prize! He got a tyre on a rope (he now has two of those!) A squeaky steak and a doggie dummy!
The theme of the night was "Hollywood Stars" as we arrived we had to have a lucky dip for a wrist band, each wrist band had an actor or actress's name on it. I was Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mr. Woggie was Samuel L Jackson, S was Gwenth Paltrow and O was Frank Sinatra! They had an Oscar kind of cermony where they annoucned best Supporting Actor and Actress and Best Actor and Actress, you will never guess who won Best Actress ***Drum Roll Please*****
Catherine Zeta-Jones!!!!
So I got a $50 DFO voucher!!
When we arrived we each got given a pair of FCUK sunglasses (hence the reason we are wearing them in our pictures!!!
At the end of the night, we could purchase the photos that had been taken on the "Red Carpet" we loved the one of the group so we bought it!
We had a an absolute ball! I had such a fun night going out. It was just what the doctor ordered! I feel like a new woman! We've decided that we are going to make it a yearly tradition and we are going to win that chocolate again next year too!!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Who said money couldn't buy happiness???
Not me that's for sure!!!
Yesterday I got my GHD. It is beautiful, I'm in love with it. It makes my hair so silky and smooth and so lovely and straight. And it can even curl my hair!! I'm going to a charity ball this weekend (I think I've told you that already!) and I can't wait to do my hair!
Last week, which I have now remembered, Mr. Woggie bought me my little angel pendent for my necklace to remember Baby Woggie by and so he/she could always be close to my heart. And although it is just a small gesture it has made me feel at ease and peacful about the miscarriage a lot more. Mr. Woggie gave me the gold chain for our first Christmas as a couple and over the last few years he has bought me little pendants for it so I can mix and match depending on my mood and how I'm feeling.
So, to whoever said money can't buy happiness, I disagree! I'm feeling rather happy with my lovely new possessions right now!
Yesterday I got my GHD. It is beautiful, I'm in love with it. It makes my hair so silky and smooth and so lovely and straight. And it can even curl my hair!! I'm going to a charity ball this weekend (I think I've told you that already!) and I can't wait to do my hair!
Last week, which I have now remembered, Mr. Woggie bought me my little angel pendent for my necklace to remember Baby Woggie by and so he/she could always be close to my heart. And although it is just a small gesture it has made me feel at ease and peacful about the miscarriage a lot more. Mr. Woggie gave me the gold chain for our first Christmas as a couple and over the last few years he has bought me little pendants for it so I can mix and match depending on my mood and how I'm feeling.
So, to whoever said money can't buy happiness, I disagree! I'm feeling rather happy with my lovely new possessions right now!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Up late with Mrs Woggie.
Because tomorrow is Wednesday and that means I should have been 8 weeks. Just 4 weeks off telling people. I'm hoping that if I stay up really late, I'll sleep in really late and that will mean half of Wednesday will be gone before I even wake up. I know in reality that is a stupid thing to do, because I have zillion things to do tomorrow, which include preparing for my tutoring session in the afternoon. And going shopping, I think I'm going to treat myself and get a GHD. We are going to a charity ball on Saturday and my straightener which was $20 about 4 years ago, is slowly losing its "Oomph" and I need to have nice hair so I think a GHD is in order. I'm justifying by saying, I'll get my $$ worth out of it, which will mean growing my hair :S and that it is actually cheaper than going to the hairdresser and getting my hair done every time we have a spiffy event to go to! AND I've been going to the gym EVERY yes, I repeat EVERY day. So I deserve one. A huge thanks to Zoe, who convinced me that I was deserving :D thank you darling!!
Nothing is happening on the TTC front. We are DTD again, with condoms - which seems ludicrous since I'm an infertile!! Ironically the condom broke last night. I would find it absolutely hilarious if I got pregnant from a condom breaking. But I'm an infertile, things like that don't happen to people like me. Usually that only happens to trailer trash and smutty women who have serious drug dependencies and women who don't want children. Since I fit into none of those categories (although the neighbours have a caravan, maybe I'm in with a shot!) I think I'll have to resort to getting up the duff the hard way and having well timed intercourse in a business like manner with my husband. Can you tell I'm really not looking forward to TTC again.
The sad thing is. That not even a TTC break can fix my resentment of having sex. I used to enjoy it. But now, it serves as nothing but a horrible reminder as what I can't achieve by having sex. I'm resentful that, that got taken away from our relationship.
While I'm on the topic of resentment, I'm really resenting people telling me "It (they can't even say the word miscarriage) is for the best. The best for whom? Or who? Or what? Not me. Not Mr. Woggie. Not our relationship. Not my future pregnancies in which I will not be able to enjoy. Not my sex life. Not our financial status. Not my emotional well being.
Worse things happen than a miscarriage at 5w5d, I'm well aware of that. And I accept that. Last Wednesday one of my favourite actors Mark Priestley passed away he was only 32 years old, that, is only 2 years older than Mr. Woggie. People, lots of people loved him, admired him and loved watching him on TV. The loss that his family and friends would be feeling would be huge and over whelming compared to my loss. I can't imagine losing a child who had a life and a body, who was tangible, who I'd raised, that would be life changing, I'm lucky I can try again. Mark's parents can not. Rest in Peace Mark.
Nothing is happening on the TTC front. We are DTD again, with condoms - which seems ludicrous since I'm an infertile!! Ironically the condom broke last night. I would find it absolutely hilarious if I got pregnant from a condom breaking. But I'm an infertile, things like that don't happen to people like me. Usually that only happens to trailer trash and smutty women who have serious drug dependencies and women who don't want children. Since I fit into none of those categories (although the neighbours have a caravan, maybe I'm in with a shot!) I think I'll have to resort to getting up the duff the hard way and having well timed intercourse in a business like manner with my husband. Can you tell I'm really not looking forward to TTC again.
The sad thing is. That not even a TTC break can fix my resentment of having sex. I used to enjoy it. But now, it serves as nothing but a horrible reminder as what I can't achieve by having sex. I'm resentful that, that got taken away from our relationship.
While I'm on the topic of resentment, I'm really resenting people telling me "It (they can't even say the word miscarriage) is for the best. The best for whom? Or who? Or what? Not me. Not Mr. Woggie. Not our relationship. Not my future pregnancies in which I will not be able to enjoy. Not my sex life. Not our financial status. Not my emotional well being.
Worse things happen than a miscarriage at 5w5d, I'm well aware of that. And I accept that. Last Wednesday one of my favourite actors Mark Priestley passed away he was only 32 years old, that, is only 2 years older than Mr. Woggie. People, lots of people loved him, admired him and loved watching him on TV. The loss that his family and friends would be feeling would be huge and over whelming compared to my loss. I can't imagine losing a child who had a life and a body, who was tangible, who I'd raised, that would be life changing, I'm lucky I can try again. Mark's parents can not. Rest in Peace Mark.
Monday, September 1, 2008
You're So Vain.
You probably think my life is about you, you're so vain, I bet think my life is about you, don't you, don't you.
Well it's not!! And that is all I'm going to say on the matter!!
Here is the song, so you can sing along with me!!!
So we WERE going to try this cycle, since my body is giving me all the right ovulatory signs, but decided against it. For a few reasons I think. Mr. Woggie is worried, we were advised to wait at least 1 cycle. And secondly, in two weeks I don't want to have that heart broken helpless feeling, that reminder of having sex at the right time does not work for everyone. I need a reprieve from that feeling of getting AF. But I think after that, we will be back on the horse.
It is the first day of spring today and it is amazing how the change in season can make you feel so different. I feel a bit refreshed about it being Spring. The birds and the bees get together in Spring and that too is my plan, to get it on and have a baby 9 months later. And shock horror it will be winter and I don't care. I've been reading a thread on a forum about "The time of year when bubs is born" And some people meticulously plan the month they get pregnant so they can be pregnant at a certain time of year. All I can say is lucky they are not infertile. A baby is a blessing, who cares if it is 37 degrees and you are 9 months pregnant, or you are up feeding in the middle of winter freezing your nipples off, I'm assured worse things happen....Infertility springs to mind!
Well it's not!! And that is all I'm going to say on the matter!!
Here is the song, so you can sing along with me!!!
So we WERE going to try this cycle, since my body is giving me all the right ovulatory signs, but decided against it. For a few reasons I think. Mr. Woggie is worried, we were advised to wait at least 1 cycle. And secondly, in two weeks I don't want to have that heart broken helpless feeling, that reminder of having sex at the right time does not work for everyone. I need a reprieve from that feeling of getting AF. But I think after that, we will be back on the horse.
It is the first day of spring today and it is amazing how the change in season can make you feel so different. I feel a bit refreshed about it being Spring. The birds and the bees get together in Spring and that too is my plan, to get it on and have a baby 9 months later. And shock horror it will be winter and I don't care. I've been reading a thread on a forum about "The time of year when bubs is born" And some people meticulously plan the month they get pregnant so they can be pregnant at a certain time of year. All I can say is lucky they are not infertile. A baby is a blessing, who cares if it is 37 degrees and you are 9 months pregnant, or you are up feeding in the middle of winter freezing your nipples off, I'm assured worse things happen....Infertility springs to mind!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)