CD 20 and still no O..

And it's not anywhere in sight. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the poster girl for things not going the way I want them too.

I know I am lucky and there are so many more people worse off than I but I'd just like something to happen in the fashion that I'd like to happen in for ONCE. That would be nice.

I can't conjure up anything pleasant to say about my reproductive system and the moment and it's probably tainting my view on things a lot. But I'm so angry. About a squillion things but angry that I've had to go through what I went through to get Master C and angry that it just hasn't happened this time. And I'm angry that people weren't supportive the first time round so now I've told no one we are TTC again and really have no one to talk about it too, because so many of my IF friends are still trying for number 1 so it seems sooo inappropriate to be angry when I already have a baby.

My regular cycle was the only thing I had going for me!

And now it's gone *insert eye roll*

Before I had the miscarriages the lap, D&C, hyst and dye studies my cycle was 28 days, then it was 29 days. After the miscarriages it was 31 days and now it's gone to 36 days. What is going on? Honestly my cycle length really was the only thing right about my body. I'm now up to CD 18 and I'm yet to ovulate, so I'm looking at at least another 36 day cycle, unless of course my LP has shortened too, and knowing my luck it probably has. We are having sex every second day all the same, hopefully it works. If and that's a huge if - I feel pregnant this cycle I'd be pretty much spot on 12 weeks on the day of Master C's 1st birthday party. I'd love more than anything to announce on his birthday.

I'm getting frustrated that I'm not one of those people that can want to be pregnant and it happens for right away. I know it's only been 3 months so far but I want to know what it feels like to get pregnant straight away - actually even more than that I want to know what it's like to have a successful pregnancy first time round, I can't imagine what that is like and (call me negative) but I don't think I'll ever get to know.

Master C is now 9.5 months old - he's at a lovely age, he claps his hands and 'dances' and is so close to crawling, every day is full of mischief at the moment! I'd so dearly love to give him a sibling close in age.

I'm think that I'll have to defer my plans to study again, I just can't find any family day care around our area and I don't feel comfortable leaving him in a childcare center just yet. I used to work in a CCC and saw what happened to non mobile babies!