8DPO

Temperature:
A huge dip this morning 35.9 degrees.

Symptoms:
Tender breasts, cramping, a fair bit of watery CM.

How I'm feeling:
Confused, trying not to get my hopes up, trying not to get my hopes down. I want to believe that it is an implantation dip, but I've had dips like that before.

A pretty boring post today, but honestly not a lot more is going on here!

7DPO

So 7DPO - Any day now, something should be happening. The problem is, it all seems to familiar, seems like everything is the way it always is. This post could be a little TMI (too much information) so read ahead at your own risk!

Temperature
-36.3 Same as yesterday, please, please, please go up tomorrow and never come back down. PLEASE

Symptoms
Sore breasts, actually I would not even call them sore, more tender I think. I've got creamy CM, looking at my chart, it seems I get that every month after O.

How I'm feeling
I'm doing ok this morning. Usually mornings (before I've left the house, I'm alright!). Just anxious really.

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I had a dream
We went to the movies last night and saw Mumma Mia. It was hillarious, usually it is just a girls night out with my Mumma and her friend and we do it each time Mr. Woggie is on late shift. But since Mr. Woggie has changed shifts to see Speed Boat they came with us. I was a little scared as Mr. Woggie, is not really into chick flicks OR ABBA. But he LOVED it, he laughed so so so so much.

If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favour and get to the cinema now and watch it. It really helped to to stop for a minute and enjoy just being me. Although there was a crappy trailer for some movie involving surrogacy and IVF that looked like utter garbage, which I am sure I will bitch more about when it is released (so watch this space).

I like the occasional ABBA song, but you couldn't call me a fan, not by any stretch of the imagination, I've done the occasional 70's hippie party (see picture above!), and danced stupidly and drunkenly to Dancing Queen, but I'm not sure I know one young lady, who has not done that!

The one song that touched me, that I had never heard before, or maybe I have heard it but I just have never paid attention to it was "I Have A Dream" It made me think about me, and my Dreams and Mr. Woggie's dreams and how we are coping. It picked me up and made me think and feel, ok about it. Corny, cheesy and everything in between I know! But right now, anything I can hold onto I'm grabbing onto and not letting go.



I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I don't want to be the pram pusher...

Every time I go out with my friends who have children, some how I end up pushing the pram, usually I volunteer. But the second I grab hold of the steering wheel, I feel down and depressed. Usually because there is no baby in it, just bags. And the mother is rightly holding her beautiful little baby.

It happened again today and maybe because I'm in the TWW, possibly the biggest TWW where I did everything right around ovulation, it really got to me. It must have got to me big time because my friend said "Kirsten, are you alright, you've gone quiet since you've been pushing the pram" and I didn't mean to go quiet and my feelings are not directed at my friends by any means, I just am so insanely jealous that I have what they want and they say they understand, but they don't. How can they possibly understand the hurt and the pain. And they tell me it will be all worth it. But I don't know if the feeling of heart break month after month after month, will be worth it for anything. That sounds terrible, I am very aware of that. But it is true. I don't know if the pain can ever just disappear. It's making me the person I am now. Maybe when I'm done with TTC and I've got my dream family of 3 children I'll forget the pain and it will stop hurting. But honestly, nothing scares me more than having to go through this again, or going through it longer than I already have.

Sometimes I think it is easier to give up and be in control than to keep going and to have no control over my feelings.

6DPO

I'm starting to go crraaazzzzy...Cuckoo, cuckoo! Ok, so I've been a little crazy for a long time but TWW crazy!!

Temperature:
Only up .1 of a degree this morning, at 36.3, a small rise, but a rise nonetheless, although it means nothing right now. I'm figuring something should start to happen by the weekend, if something is going to happen.

Symptoms:
Cramping, although I'm pretty sure it's more endo related than pregnancy realted (Has to be, since the little egg would not have even fertilised yet. Breasts not as tender.

How I'm feeling:
A bit all over the place, scared, excited, depressed.

5 DPO

I thought that since every TWW I over analyse things that I am sure happen EVERY TWW, but I forget about and convince myself they are pregnancy symptoms I should start blogging them, that way when I am in my next TWW (which I hope does not happen until baby number 2 is on the way)

BBT
- 36.2 degrees, which is the same as yesterday's temp, if it remains the same tomorrow I will convince myself there is something wrong with me. It is too strange when temps stay the same, I have to check my pulse to ensure I'm really alive!!
Symptoms
- I had sore tender breasts last night, probably just all those hormones swimming around after ovulation. I'm sure I've never had them this soon after O. See, there I go again.
The way I'm feeling
- I'm feeling ok, it is usually in the afternoon when I start to go all harpie like. During the day I look at my chart so many freaking times, I expect it to tell me something each time. Of course it never does, but HEY! A girl can dream can't she?

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Now onto far more exciting things!!!

You may remember a little while ago I made a post called "I can grow things" WELL! Lately I've had a frenzy of needing to grow things, all sorts of things!!! It's my infertile way of nesting I suppose! If I can't grow a baby, I'm damn determined to grow a variety of other beautiful, useful, and sometimes gross things!!!

Here are the picture that I posted of my lettuce on the 8th of July;

This is what my lettuce looks like today! Still a long way from eating but they are starting to look mighty fine!!! As long as possums don't get to them, I'll be a happy gardener!!



And some other things, I've been growing.
Azaleas 2 different types, I have no idea what either of them are though!


My obsession - Gerbra's, Mr. Woggie and I had Gerbras as our wedding flower and since then, I've been growing (or at least trying too!)

A mature gerbra


A gerbra about to flower (can you see the cute bud in the back ground)

To extend our edible family, yesterday I went to Bunnings (I suggested it) and Mr. Woggie almost ran off the road in excitement!! (For those of you who don't know what Bunnings is, it is a giant hardware warehouse) basically our entire income goes to this shop. Up until yesterday I hated the place and would avoid going there at all costs. Anyway - After I got over my whiplash from Mr Woggie swerving the car in excitement! We went to Bunnings. I purchased (with Mr. Woggie's money!) Some seeds for Capsicum, Broccoli, Shallots and cherry tomatoes. Mr Woggie encouraged me to get some Parsley seeds since we go through a lot of it (and our neighbour - we will call him "Copy Cat" for future reference) steals it quite frequently.

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As well as growing things, I enjoy baking. And yesterday being the domestic goddess I am each Sunday I made Chocolate and Peanut Butter Cakes with Peanut Butter Icing. To say they are divine is an understatement. They were pretty complex to make and quite time consuming and very messy, but the rewards when you bite into the sweet yet savoury peanut butter icing made the mess all worth while.

Here's a picutre for you to drool on!


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I'm currently trying to figure out which blog template is reflective of me. I'm not clever enough to use a pretty one like so many of the blogs I visit so I'm just using blogger ones. So over the next few days the lay out may change numerous times. Sorry for any inconvenience :D

Please baby gods

Don't make me do this again. I need to get a BFP this time. Last night Mr. Woggie and I went to bed fighting I don't even think we said "I love you" to each other. It was about sex. We both knew that we should have had it on Dr. Julie's recommendation but neither of us could be bothered. Mr Woggie DID try to make some moves, but I just couldn't reciprocate them, because I knew the only reason he was making those moves was to make a baby. A worthy cause, I know but I just couldn't do it. And I know that if I only see one ugly line this month, I will blame the lack of DTD on CD 18. Even though it is not logical to do that!

I honestly can't see TTC continuing for much longer if my current attitude and lack of "putting out" prevails.

Now I'm off to do some yodeling!!

So I O'd....

Now I'm in the treacherous two week wait. Fcuk it!

If I don't fall pregnant this month, I will be devastated. Actually devastated would be an understatement to how I will feel. We went for it like rabbits, I had acupuncture on the day of ovulation, I drank green tea to increase my CM. What more could the fertility gods and godesses ask for? Nothing, I hope :D

I'm feeling easily agitated, during the TWW I turn into a raging harpie queen. What is a harpie I hear you ask....THIS is a harpie
Scary, very very scary!!! I do feel for poor Mr. Woggie, who has to put up with my snappiness, mood swings, and crying episodes.

To ease my TWW stress I am currently having a beverage, a good ol' bundy rum and coke! Yummo! Yes I know, you should'nt drink in the TWW, blah, blah, blah. I stopped drinking for the first 6 TWW, probably more. And now, I think, why bother. I love my rums especially with coke so I drink it. And I have reason to celebrate, Mr. Woggie's brother, let's call him "Speed Boat" is staying with us for a week. We don't often see Speed Boat, he lives in Sydney, and being a NSWer, I'm slowly converting him to Bundy!! Hoooray for that! The more QLD he is the better!!

Yesterday was my last day at work, and even though it was a stressful two weeks, I did actually enjoy it, I'm a sucker for punishment!! I kind of wish that I was still working, it would make the TWW more bearable. But I'm not so I am going to busy myself with stuff. Lots and lots of stuff.

Anyway I'm sure I could crap on and on and on (cause I'm a little tipsy) but I won't I'll leave you with this....

A quick apology....

I was sitting at my computer crying earlier on, checking my comments and instead of pushing, publish I clicked on reject. I didn't mean to, so if you were one of the ones I deleted, I do apologise. Please come back and talk to me again. I'm going to change my message settings now so I don't have to authorise them :D

I could have got your hopes up...

I don't think I have ovulated yet. And it is driving me crazy...literally, I'm so stressed about it at the moment I am getting a cold sore. Great!

I'm ready to give up. I just don't know if I can keep on going. I'm a giants sook, I know. I just can't deal with this anymore. I need to ovulate soon. We have houses guests coming tomorrow and I really don't fancy having sex with my mum in the next room. I mean obviously I'll do it if I have to but it is already depressing enough having sex when you are not in the mood but to do it with your mother 5 meters away, is not cool.

Mr. Woggie is trying to make me feel better, he even sang for me this morning. It made me cry he is being so nice and I can't even thing anything nice. He is holding on the the hope right now, I've chucked it out the window. It just seems too hard.

Thank you for all of the kind and caring messages, they do mean a lot and do help me feel better.

I think it's time!!

I think I could be ovulating. I'm having some glorious ovulation pains on my left side!! So all I ask is that you all do a fertilisation dance for me!! If I get ovulation pain now. Does that mean the TWW starts tomorrow?

So girls be prepared for some really strange odd, angry, depressing and hopeful blogs from me over the next 2 weeks!

Today I took a risk. I applied for a job with a 12 month contract. My way of thinking is if I didn't apply for it I would not get pregnant! But if I do, I'll end up in a pickle I'll get it AND be pregnant. hopefully at least ONE thing happens, either I get the job or pregnant. I'd prefer just to get pregnant, but taking a risk is a huge thing for me. Normally I don't do things out of my comfort zone.

Are we getting closer???

Every time I hear this new song by Michael Paynter on the radio it makes me think about the infertility journey.


So, are we getting any closer?

It really does not feel like it.

AT ALL.

Yes, I am embarrassed to say, I've been avoiding this blog at all cost over the last week. I really don't have anything constructive to add. The only thoughts I can conjure seem to be negative and honestly who wants to read about that?? All my thoughts have been consumed with infertility and what it means and what happens if this defines my life, what happens if things just don't change? Like ever.

I'm in my second cycle since the lap, and I know 2 people (one being the lovely endo baby) who have fallen their second cycle after their laps. And I want that so much, it is all I can think about, according to the FS there is no reason why we should'nt be able to fall naturally now, yet that does not make me feel better at all. If I don't fall pregnant this cycle, I honestly don't know if I will be able to keep going. And this is exactly what I mean, I just can't write about anything happy and positive. Honestly there is not that much in my life to write about. Other than this infertility. Boring. So very very boring.

The sexathon has begun. I'm sure Mr. Woggie, is over the moon. But I can't help but think and feel that I don't want to have sex. Ever again. If I don't have sex, it means I can't fail, I don't need to ask myself "Why didn't I get pregnant this month" Giving up seems like a much easier option right now.

My knickers are in a knot!!

Or at least that is what my Mum used to say when I was younger and I was upset at something!

I had a shitty first day back at work with lots of people telling me all about the bets they had placed that I would be pregnant by now (I haven't been at work this year!) surely in the 6 months I was gone and with the overseas holiday I SHOULD have been pregnant by now. So I was hoping to forget all about the "I" word but felt like it was being rubbed in my face all day long.

Other than that things were peachy keen jelly bean!

I'm tired.

Tired of lots of things.

• Tired of TTC
• Tired of stupid comments and un-supportive people
• Tired of waiting to ovulate, the TWW, waiting for AF, waiting for appointments
• Tired because I went out and got way too drunk yesterday and I need more sleep
• Tired of hearing "Oh my cousin/sister/aunty/mum/grandma /grandpa/uncle/cat/dog/budgie had Endo and she got pregnant naturally and has 26 kids now" That is wonderful for your cousin, good on her! Endo does not make everyone infertile. There is a huge difference in having Endo and getting PG quickly and having Endo and TTC for 14.5 months with no results what so ever.
  
• Tired of having to explain to people when they ask when we are having babies that we have been trying.
  
• Tired of not working. Generally I'm just tired.
  

And to top it all off, I'm going back to work tomorrow, for 2 weeks. While I love what I do. Doing it for 2 weeks seems like the biggest waste of time in the world. You don't get to know the kids very well, they don't get to know you very well and you spend more time on crowd control than teaching.

Maybe I'm asking too much to want it all, a job and a consistent job? I do find it hard to deal with the fact that I don't have either of those two things. Both of the things I wanted so badly, both of the things that have always been in my life's "Plan" and I don't have one of them. Dean keeps telling me that I will have them both one day, but I just don't or can't believe him. I'm starting to become one of those negative "Good things never happen to me" people. The kind of person I really did not want to become, ever. Yet it seems like it is just happening. I know there are people out there who have it worse than me, and I am thankful for the few things I do have. I just want more. Selfish perhaps, greedy I am sure of it. But I do. I want it all.

Apparently I'm A Hippy!

Yes! According to my brother I am a hippy, because I tried acupuncture! I know it was a light hearted joke and he really didn't mean any harm by it. BUT can I please get some support for my reasons of doing it, I'm honestly not doing it for sh!ts and giggles, there is a good reason why I am doing it, it's cheaper than the alternative.

Other than being a so called hippy (trust me I really am not that hippy like) I didn't love the first session, I guess it was because I really had no idea what to expect from it, I couldn't find the stupid place AND I had no coins for parking so had to park illegally and was bl@@dy stressed about getting a parking fine. I am going back in two weeks so we will see how it goes.

I was talking to another "hippy" friend today (she went to the same FS as us) & *gasp* the same acupuncturist and is now about 20 weeks pregnant, she made me feel good about it, because she is 41 pregnant with her first and had endo and had to have an ovary removed because of it in February. So her motto is if she can get pregnant I can get pregnant. I hope she is right.

Please don't say sorry!

Cause I'm ok, really I am! Well at least I am trying to be, and if you are nice to me, I just might cry. Yep, I got AF, it woke me up at 2am or there abouts. BUT I had no spotting, yes read that again NO spotting. NONE. That has never ever ever ever happened to me. Even on the pill, I always had spotting and even better, I had NO cramping. I had a little discomfort and I felt very gassy, but other than that it was all lovely, as lovely as blood can be.

And it probably is for the best, had I of been pregnant I would have been due around the 15th of March, and March is already very full for us. Mr. Woggie's Birthday is on the 1st, I'm on the 23rd, Mrs Woggie's Mum is the 19th, My Dad is on the 27th and our Wedding anniversary is on the 31st. So really it is ok.

I get to try out some pretty new pads I made (and bought) now. Yes I use cloth and I can hear you all saying ewww as I type and the first time I heard about cloth pads I did the same. BUT for someone who gets a UTI every time they use a non cloth pad, and for a person who is allergic to that plastic synthetic stuff they use, a cloth pad is a god send. And it really is quite fun using pretty patterns, and it is not that gross, just chuck it in a bucket to soak and then chuck it in the wash after a day or so. And it saves my for little body from pain and suffering so I'm cool with that!

I Can Grow Things

Just not things that grow inside my body.

I've decided to grow lettuce, all different kinds, its a mixed lettuce packet of seeds that I purchased at bunnings. I planted them last Monday the 3oth of June and they have just taken off, We are going to be eating lettuce like rabbits do soon. SO I think I have proven to the universe and the baby gods that I CAN look after living things. I've had Ozzie for almost 2 years and I can grow lettuce AND I've also planted a flower garden. SEEEEEEEE UNIVERSE I can look after a baby....now give me one.





Yes, still no AF, I did a test yesterday (caved to peer pressure) surprise, surprise it was the most singlest lonesome looking line I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot of them) but this one was particularly single looking, I couldn't even get an evap line to pretend for a few moments that I was pregnant. How crap am I?

So girls (and guys - I know you read Mr. Woggie) suggestions on how to make AF arrive. Oh yeah Mr. Woggie, star jumps didn't work, I tried that while you were at work today.

Hurry up already.....

AF!

Never in my life have I wished for AF. Then again never in my life have I only been given 3 months and 8 days to accomplish being pregnant. I don't even know if that is a realistic goal. I mean so far our success rate has not been good, 1 year, 2 months and 3 days has not got me pregnant so please forgive me if I think that the 3 months just doesn't cut it.

I know last week I was feeling so upbeat about it all and now I just feel down right terrible, like it is an impossible no win situation. I feel like the longer I go with out spotting means the longer it will be until AF arrives and that just down right sucks. I want to think that **maybe** I could be pregnant but I just can't fathom that something like that will ever happen to me.

And I know AF being 1 day late is nothing, but for me it is everything in all my life, I have had 2 cycles longer that 29 days. One was 30 days and one was 31 days. Yes today is CD 30 and yes I think you get that I am getting really frustrated. At some point I am going to have to do a HPT and I know at that point I will see one ugly line and I will cry and my heart will break.

Anyway, in other breaking news. On saturday I went for a 9km bike ride, the whole way I was cursing Mr Woggie about him not fixing my breaks properly and they were rubbing on the wheel and making it hard for me to ride, about 1km from the end of the ride he informed me I was in the hardest gear...no freaking wonder!!

Then yesterday we went on another one, this time 10kms and this time I didn't take it out of the easiest gear!! After riding 10km, we stopped at a dog off leash area which runs along side a creek. Oz was desperate for a swim so he scaled down the creek bank (it was quite steep mind you!) and jumped in, he did this a few times in the shallows and he looked like he was having a ball. UNTIL he decided the shallows were not enough, so he scaled down an extremely rocky cliff and jumped in the water, not realising he couldn't have his feet touch the bottom (he loves water but hates swimming!) then because the cliff was so steep he couldn't get out, so poor Mr Woggie had to go down the cliff and rescue the dog. So the dog survived and enjoyed the 5km ride back home!!! It certainly take my mind of this whole TTC business, which I wouldn't mind happening more often.

I'll keep you all updated, on the AF situation, no doubt it will arrive in the not so distant future. And I warn you, I will be cranky!

Spotting, What Spotting??

Today I am on CD28 and usually spotting for me begins on CD25 along with cramping. So far nothing. I'm not getting my hopes up about being pregnant because I haven't even had one full cycle since my lap yet, but I am glad that;
1. I have no cramping and
2. I have no spotting

So obviously something is going right and maybe I really really do have a chance of getting pregnant on my own (with Mr. Woggie's help of course). Maybe I should go and put some money on the lotto!! Although I think Mr. Woggie is doing a good job at the races today spending his hard earned cash on some horses, he just rang me to tell me he had won a whole $15.00, like that will pay for anything!!

We had a bit of a hitch in the road during the week, my mum said she needed to stay from the 14th of July until the 28th of July, the very week Mr. Woggie and I need to get jiggy with it every second day. I was feeling quite dreadful about the whole thing and went though a period of "woe is me" it seemed like everything was going to continue to work against us. However, for some reason it appears mum has changed her mind and is only going to stay from the 21st and hopefully the shag fest will be over by then.

October 15

Is D-Day.

That is what Dr Lindstrom said yesterday. If we are not pregnant by then we start artificial insemination.

I'm very happy about the plan. I just was not ready at all for any kind of assisted conception at this point. The first 12 months of TTC were all in vain, we didn't have a hope in hell of getting pregnant. So I would like to at least give it a shot when we are in with half a chance now. Although if it was not for the success stories of wonderful people like Endo Baby, I don't know if I would be as hopeful about going out on our own. But I am confident that we can do it and I'm hopeful that by this time next year I will be writing to you all about sleepless nights and pooey nappies!!!