Every time I go out with my friends who have children, some how I end up pushing the pram, usually I volunteer. But the second I grab hold of the steering wheel, I feel down and depressed. Usually because there is no baby in it, just bags. And the mother is rightly holding her beautiful little baby.
It happened again today and maybe because I'm in the TWW, possibly the biggest TWW where I did everything right around ovulation, it really got to me. It must have got to me big time because my friend said "Kirsten, are you alright, you've gone quiet since you've been pushing the pram" and I didn't mean to go quiet and my feelings are not directed at my friends by any means, I just am so insanely jealous that I have what they want and they say they understand, but they don't. How can they possibly understand the hurt and the pain. And they tell me it will be all worth it. But I don't know if the feeling of heart break month after month after month, will be worth it for anything. That sounds terrible, I am very aware of that. But it is true. I don't know if the pain can ever just disappear. It's making me the person I am now. Maybe when I'm done with TTC and I've got my dream family of 3 children I'll forget the pain and it will stop hurting. But honestly, nothing scares me more than having to go through this again, or going through it longer than I already have.
Sometimes I think it is easier to give up and be in control than to keep going and to have no control over my feelings.
4 comments:
Oh sweets, I wish so much that I could wave that wand for you and give you your much longed for and deserved baby. I hope so much that you don't have to go through this pain again. Love lots xxx
It breaks my heart to see such a wonderful person go through so much pain. I pray that it wont be too much longer before you're pushing a pram with your own baby in it.
I know exactly what you mean-I think you were reading my mind when you wrote this post....
Just last week I pushed the stroller for a friend. People in general seem off-put by empty strollers when they peek inside -- "Oh, there's no baby in there." When I'm the one pushing an empty stroller, I take their reactions personally, as if they're looking inside my empty womb.
How about if next time you offer to hold the baby instead of pushing the stroller, and see if that's any easier emotionally? I'll try it if you will. I'll let you know how my experiment goes.
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