A New Year, A New Journey, A New Look...

As 2009 begins and Dean and I embark on a new journey I've decided that a new blog look is what I need. So over the coming days I will be giving my blog a face lift - If I can figure it out!

Hurdles....

There are many of them for me right now.

Overcoming this huge fear of miscarrying is certainly one of them.

My miscarriages both happened in week 5, the first was 5w5d, which will be this Saturday for me, so if I can get past Saturday without having a meltdown I'll be doing well! The other one was 5w1d, which I have already passed, thank you God.

I have been praying a lot recently, an awful lot. I've also been saying thank you to God more times than I thought humanly possible. But I'm just feeling so lucky so incredibly blessed and so amazed that I've been giving this opportunity again. And this time, I'm sure this baby is a sticker.

I don't have much in the way of symptoms, just lots and lots of the creamy CM which I got the first time I was pregnant and I gag randomly too! Which I love because it's a reminder of why I am gagging.

Dean and I are thrilled. I was so thrilled when I did the test I ran up the stairs without any pants on to show Dean the test!!!!

We told our families - I'm not sure you can say they were that excited - we got the congratulations but I guess they are just worried considering the past two pregnancy failures. It was slightly disappointing though, we were feeling so excited about it and wanted people to jump up and down and round and round. I know they will get excited in time, but I feel jibbed that I didn't get the reaction that a fertile would get announcing their pregnancy.

But at the end of the day the most important thing is I am Pregnant, I'm going to have a baby and Dean and I are thrilled and over the moon about it.

I'm back....with some news

I







AM








PREGNANT!!!!!!

5w1d today, due August 31 or September 1stish...not 100% sure.

I had BhCG done at 4 weeks which was 135 and again yesterday and 5w which was 2887.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on this roller coaster of a journey, I'm sure I've not been easy to live with, or read at times. Thank you for sticking by me and encouraging me every step of the way.

So who voted, December on my poll?

2008 - What a year!

Although it probably doesn't sound like it from my constant crapping on 2008 hasn't been all bad. It's been a year of extreme highs and extreme lows.

Here's a bit of a photo gallery of 2008. I'm doing it now as with Christmas coming up it's going to be hectic and we won't be home from the 24th of December until the 30th of December. Then we are going away again on the 10th of January until the 16th.

Bringing in the New Year, looking forward to a fresh start.


Celebrating Dean's 30th Birthday in March


Our Holiday to Europe in March and April


Our first wedding anniversary in Russia




Successful home renovations completed.
Before:




After




Michael Buble with Mum


Our first BFP


Our first miscarriage


Great night out with friends at a charity ball - and THAT block of chocolate!




A fantastic day at Oktoberfest with the in laws


Our second BFP and our second miscarriage


A Natural Disaster




A trip to Melbourne to meet good friends

Kiss Me! I'm Irish!

Well I'm not actually, but that's very beside the point I'm trying to make. I think I'd like to be Irish, they seem to have so much fun, all those jigs and bagpipes, sound's like heaven to me!

Last night Jo and I went to the Casino and ate our buffet dinner - at the new and improved Blackjacks restaurant, we had our mandatory 3 frozen daiquiris, there were so many people out last night it was not funny. After that we walked to the Irish Club.

A brief background on the Irish Club thing....

Jo and I went to uni together. Jo used to be in the Queensland Irish Association Bagpipe Band, she was a drummer (a really good one at that - she can twirl her furry drumsticks around in many different ways!) Bruce is the head honcho bagpiper in the band. Bruce and Dean went to school together. Dean went out with Bruce on the 26th of January 2005 to a gig, I went to the same gig with Jo. Jo and Bruce and to go and do band warm up, Dean and I were left standing on the pavement talking to each other!

So you get the significance of the Irish Club now, and why we went there!

The Irish Club has recently been renovated they used to just have Bag Piping music and maybe a few dancers and perhaps another band, it was ok entertainment but a bit old school. Anyway with the new renos a band called Murphy's Pigs has been created. Bruce is in the group - the only Bag Piper in the group, he plays the electric pipes - who knew such wonderful things exisited! They are fantastic! I had a great time sitting around with people who I met the same day I met Dean, they somehow seem like family and obviously bring back very happy memories. Dean and I have decided that we are going to go to the Irish Club for New Years because Murphy's Pigs are playing through the night!

While I'm bragging about my friend Bruce (he played the bagpipes at our wedding!) Here is a you tube clip of him playing the pipes for Andre Rieu when he was touring in Brisbane!



Anyway I had a great night! It was wonderful to be carefree and not thinking about test day next week.

On that topic - I've still got tender breasts, although they are only tender to touch not to jiggle around! I'm not sure if tender breasts includes only tenderness when you poke them? I've also got creamy CM and I'm certain that is something I always get about a week after ovulation.

Thank you all for the most overwhelming and amazing support over the last few months, you've all managed to spur me on when I need it. Thank you and much love xoxox I hope that I can share some joyful news with you all soon.

Somebody stop me!

If I had internet cheapie HPT's in the house I would test. WHAT AM I THINKING?

1. I've never had a positive on an ebay cheapie, even when I was pregnant so I would only end up disappointed.

2. I'm only 10DPO and I know perfectly fertile people get positive HPTs that early, but I'm seriously not one of those perfectly lucky fertile people.

3. I wouldn't be using FMU, which is probably essential at this point.

4. I would bet almost anything that I'm not pregnant, I have all of my pre-AF symptoms.

Other than that crazy outburst of feeling the desire to test (I did just empty my bladder so I couldn't) Nothing of interest is happening in the TWW, I've still got sore boobs that come and go. And I've decided that I need a colour chart for my nipples, I noticed in both pregnancies my whitey mc whitey nipples went a darker colour, but It's so hard to actually tell if they look darker or if it's just the light at the time, so a nipple colour chart would be ideal right about now.

I'm having a bit of an angry day today, I'm not sure why. It could be the fact that I literally cried myself to sleep last night, Dean came home and found me as a blubbering mess at midnight, poor guy. He was wonderful though - he went put the air con on for me it was 30 degrees in our bedroom at midnight! Then he got me my drink bottle and filled it with chilled water, got my aspirin (that I forgot to take) and then he just sat and stroked my arm and face until I fell asleep. I really am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband. Sometimes I forget that.

Tonight I'm going out with my wild friend Jo. Jo has lived all over the world for the last few years and I've missed her. I've flown to see her in various places from time to time and we always catch up when she comes home! Now she is home for good though forever! Jo is wild, she isn't married and is very happily not married, she has no idea about any of my infertility or my losses which I love because she still treats me like the person I was before all of this. Anyway I'm sure I will have a great time I'm actually really looking forward to being normal.

This is us last Christmas drinking our frozen daiquiris at the Treasury Casino (that is where were always start our nights out!)

Jo on the left, me on the right!

It's been...

Today is 4 months since we lost Baby Woggie.

I've been feeling terribly flat all day long. I just can't stop thinking about that day. It still feels like it was just a bad dream, I wish it was. The last 4 months has changed me as a person so much. I wish I could say it's changed me for the better, but I don't think it has.

I'm sure that in the end of all this I'll be able to look back and see that it's made me a better person, I don't know how. I'm a crankier wife, daughter and sister, I'm much less tolerant of stupid people and their stupid comments, I'm negative on a more regular basis and I cry a lot. I promise I do have good days too! Usually days when I'm too busy to think about it. Working a few hours a day has been great to get my mind off it, even though I don't love the work, I love that my mind is taken off infertility and loss for 5 hours.

I'm still in the TWW, about 9DPO I think. Nothing is happening to my body, so I suspect my worst fears will be confirmed and I'll get AF sometime early next week. I know many people say that they had no symptoms at all early on. But for me the lack of symptoms is very telling, I had major symptoms for my first pregnancy and the second they went I just knew something was wrong. I do have sore boobs, but I always have sore boobs before I get my period. So I guess we wait.

It's common you know?

I've heard that so many times about my infertility and now my miscarriages. And although these comments are well intentioned (aren't they all!) it doesn't make me feel any better. When I hear this I usually smile and say how I know how common it is but inside I'm screaming "I don't care how common it is, I still feel like crap, I still feel alone in this" I would also like to point out that 1 in 10 couples experience infertility, being fertile is far more common that being infertile. And according to birth.com.au of known pregnancies 15-20% will end in miscarriage, again, more pregnancies are successful than not.

I seem to always fall in the category of small statistics. Infertility, endo, miscarriage, child-hood sexual abuse, divorced parents, the list goes on. Dean thinks that it means I should buy a lotto ticket, because the odds are small and I'm more likely to win! Perhaps I should!

I'm literally counting down the seconds until I can test. I don't have anything to suggest pregnancy symptoms but then I know that doesn't always mean anything. In my first pregnancy I did have many symptoms in the TWW - so I kind of expect the same thing for any pregnancy.

I'm trying to put on my happy pants and find something each day that makes me happy. Dr. Julie told me that is very very important for me.

Unlucky....

That is the official diagnosis at this point.

All the tests for the following came back within normal ranges.

PLT RCC MCV WCC - platelets, red cell count, mean cellular volume, white cell count
PT APTT FIB - time it takes your blood to clot & components of the clotting
CRP - non-specific inflammatory marker
CHB - not sure of this one
TSH Thyroid
C3 C4 - more inflammatory markers - part of your immune system
ANA - anti nuclear antibodies - looking for lupus or auto-immune disease
ADNA - anti dna antibodies - same sort of thing as above
ENA - same as above
TRAB TMA ATG - autoimmune thyroid disorders, blood test looking at a specific group of white blood cells (lymphocytes), but not sure on ATG
ACB - not sure but something to do with heart.
FVL - not sure
PEI - not sure
THROMB - something to do with DVT
AT3 PROTC SAG APC DELKCT - no idea
SCP-390 - no idea

Yes I had quite a lot of blood extracted that day!

I know I should feel happy about that - I'm ok and that is good. But I now have this scared feeling that I am ok - so why the hell has it happened twice and will it happen again?

I'm at a slightly higher chance of miscarrying again Julie said about 30% which is only 5% higher than normal but it's still 5% higher than normal.

So what now? We keep trying to get pregnant. IF I'm not pregnant by February she would like to start IVF, if I get pregnant and have another miscarriage she would like to do IVF with ICSI with genetic testing of the embryos to see if that is a cause of miscarriage.

What do we think of that? IVF we can probably scrape together enough money for a cycle or two - as for the genetic testing, I'm pretty sure we would have to sell a car or rob a bank.

We are hoping for third time lucky. I'll test next week sometime - I'm normally not a tester but I really want to know how I'll be feeling on Christmas day - elated or disappointed. Dr. Julie has already given me the pathology referrals for BHCG one for the day I find out I'm pregnant and one for a week later. Hopefully I'll get to use them and not shred them in the shredder.

So for now I'm about 5-7DPO, I've had minor cramping, yesterday I had loads of creamy CM and tender breasts. So great signs of pregnancy, also great signs of AF - gotta love that!

6 months....

My goodness where has the time gone.

6 months ago today I was having my operation to remove suspected endo. I was going into the procedure feeling confidentn and full of hope that in 6 months I'd be well and truly pregnant. And I should be. But here I am with an empty uterus.

I was convinced (stupidly) that I would get pregnant on the second cycle - because I knew 2 other people who did. And I did get pregnant on the second cycle after, only to miscarry, then I got pregnant on the fourth cycle trying, only to miscarry again.

Now 6 months later - I'm not feeling hopeful because it seems now the endo is a distant memory. I have a whole new set of problems to overcome now. Staying pregnant.

I never thought that staying pregnant would be a problem for me, much like I never thought getting pregnant would be a problem for me.

This worries me very much - it seems like at each turn there is a new problem to face. I worry that when I can carry a baby to term there might be something wrong with it, or I won't cope being a mother, or I'll have a traumatic birth.

I know it is terribly negative for me to think of all of those problems but I can't help it.

The last six months have taken their toll on me and on Dean. We are such different people now. We are scared that it will always be just us. And while that wouldn't be so bad, in reality it's not what either of us want. Not just yet, but it is a prospect we have to think about. There certainly are childless couples out there and they are childless not by choice but because infertility has come and swept the rug from out under their feet.

I'm in such a strange place right now.

Keep on Keeping On

One of my very best friends and I were talking yesterday, she is actually one of the few real life people that has the courage to ask about my infertility, how I am and what is happening, I appriciate that more than anything, it's nice to know that she cares. I know that lots of people from our real lives care - but they are never quite game enough to ask us how things are going - it's like the taboo subject that just gets swept under the rug, it's the elephant in the room. But not with Sarah, she said "I notice you have been quiet" which for me is probably quiet rare. That got us talking about what is happening right now and how I'm feeling and where we are going with this.

I explained that I don't know when enough is enough, how long do you keep going for? How many miscarriages do I have to go through to get a baby? I said that I just need an end date - so I know that I won't be living this life forever so my world won't always revolve around this. Dean and I will sent an end date if this cycle is not successful - we may not stick to it we may get to the date and have the strength to keep going, but I need to feel in control of this, I need to dictate what happens instead of letting infertility rule the roost.

Sarah and I also talked about how even though the odds are against you, you can still find the strength to keep going, you still have that hope that it won't be you. The example she used was that she doesn't ovulate at all - she lacks the chemical in her brain that tells her ovaries to ovulate. Yet she said she is still convinced infertility won't happen to her that she will be one of those lucky ones that somehow manages to get pregnant.

My example was saying 2 Christmases ago that it would be our last year without a baby and then saying it again last year and now I'm saying it again this year, I know there is a 50/50 chance that I'll be sitting here typing how this will be my last Christmas without a baby, next year. But there is something in your body that over takes the rational part and gives you hope. I guess without it you wouldn't try at all.

I guess that mindset can be applied to anything in life - if you knew the actual outcome of anything and knew it might not be a favourable one you would just give up.

Then this conversation reminded me of the great Billy Ocean song When the Going Gets Tough the Tough Get Going and it's really is true about infertility. It's a tough journey, one that most people can't begin to comprehend how it seeps into the very essence of the person you are, but we are tough and we somehow come out the other side in one piece.



Not much happening here, I'm 3 or 4 DPO. If I was temping I'd give you a report but I'm not so I can't do that. Obviously there are no symptoms of any sort happening just yet, hopefully there will be shortly.

On the 14th day past ovulation....

My true love will say to me,
Kirsten are you going to do a pee test for me...

Yes, I know, I'm turning everything into a Christmas Carol at the moment and it's just not cool! And Dean probably would never say that. He is not one to ask about testing. In fact during the second week of the two week wait we don't even speak about the possibility of being pregnant or not being pregnant - we just pretend it's not there.

Of course that's not to say I don't count down the hours minutes and seconds until I test, I do! I literally go crazy in those last few days. Actually that's a lie I'm two days into the wait and I'm going crazy already!

I'm collating a way to keep my mind of things....help me create a list of how I can do it and I'll update your suggestions in this post...

☺ Keep making Christmas Decorations
☺ Bake
☺ Get a job (probably not that easy at this time of the year, but I'm hoping to do some relief work at a childcare centre over the next few weeks)

Yaya's suggestions
☺Read the Twilight books
☺Blog
☺Knit
☺Walk the dogs
☺Yoga
☺Acupuncture

Cara's suggestions
☺ Meditate
☺ Scrapbook (Which reminds me - I need to finish some off!)

Miracles.

I've been meaning to write something about the over use of the word miracle for a while now - but something happened yesterday that promoted me to write this.

I have issues with people using the world miracle to describe lucky or fortunate events. I have big issues with it and I don't know why, if people want to call something a miracle then who am I to argue? (I'd like to point out I don't usually argue, most of the time I just scoff to myself) But not yesterday, yesterday something annoyed me.

I read a post on a forum about pregnancy and birth - many of you know the one I'm talking about. It was titled "Miracles do Happen" or something like that. It was posted in the infertility section of the board. The young lady who posted it was 20 weeks pregnant and had found out at her 20 week scan she should have been infertile because of some condition she had, however wasn't it amazing that she conceived her first go? She wanted to give the infertiles of the board hope that because she didn't know she was infertile (or supposed to be) she got pregnant in her first cycle of trying.

A lot of the infertiles on the board came out of their safe sanctuary and said that no that story didn't give them hope - because while being told you should be infertile actually being infertile and living the infertility roller coaster is a very different matter indeed.

I pointed out that while she was lucky that she wasn't infertile - I didn't consider her circumstances to be miraculous. Because I don't, it is amazing that she beat all odds and got pregnant when according to her doctor at her 20 week scan she shouldn't have - but she did. She didn't live through infertility to get that baby, so for me that is a case of good luck - not a miracle. Had circumstances been different and she was told before she started trying to concieve and it took her years and years to fall pregnant well yes that would have been miraculous.

I think IVF babies are miracles, I think people over coming infertility to beat the odds is a miracle. I don't even considering me getting pregnant or having baby to be miraculous. I'll know I'm bloody lucky to experience the joys of motherhood and being pregnant but I don't think my circumstances stand up to miracle status.

By the way the definition of a miracle according to dictionary.com is;

1. an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.

2. such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God.

3. a wonder; marvel.


Anyway I'll jump off my soap box for now!

Things here are going, slowly but going!
I assume I'm in the TWW now. I got 2 positive OPKs....clever aren't I! One on CD 16 the other on CD 17 and yesterday's CD18 one was negative...So now we begin the last two week wait for 2009. It will be an apprehensive time and I seriously hope I start throwing up in the next week or two!

We got our bill from the pathology place yesterday it came to the grand total of $439.00 - which seems a bit wrong because if you add up all the itemised costs it only totals $271.00, so I'll have to call them and speak to them about that. I always find them to be rude and condescending and I'm not feeling in the mood for it so they had better watch out!

All I want for Christams Is YooooUUUUUuu BABY!

Yes, I'm singing! I can't help myself! I'm not in the least bit interested in Christmas this year - infertility being the major player there.

But I surprised myself today and bought a Christams CD - A whole CD dedicated to putting ridiculously irritating songs in my head for the next four Christmases - but I thought, one day, one Christmas I might just have a little person to dance around to those songs with. I hope.

It's also very appropriate that track 11 on my CD is the song "All I Want For Christmas Is You" Not the Mariah version either. Some Australian Choir version - I couldn't find that on you tube!





And it is so true - All I want for Christmas is a Baby - that's not going to happen so I would gleefully settle for a positive home pregnancy test. I've been joking with my friend Z that if I get a positive HPT in the days leading up to Christmas that I'm going to buy a whole pack of the buggers and pee on them and wrap them up and given them to everyone as their Christmas gifts. Most people probably won't appriciate the crusty gesture of my absorbed urine, I don't know why! But I figure I've traveled a hard road and I'm entitled to be ridiculously happy if my one true Dream comes true.

I did another OPK today it was stronger than yesterdays - so that means that I'll now be ovulating between now and CD19 - It's starting to get a little late in my cycle for my liking. I've always felt sorry for people with long cycles, because it seems like they are missing out on more chances to make a baby and here I am gradually getting a longer cycle. This will be something I'll speak to Julie about I think.

The Christmas Spirit is calling me once more - I'm off to make some Christmas decorations - I'll show pictures when I'm finished some!

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot!!!

I'll tell you what! Right now is not the best time to be making (or trying to make) a baby. For the last 2 days it's been 31-32 degrees INSIDE the house! And if that isn't enough - the humidity has been around 80% nice, really nice. It's kind of like having your own sauna quite lovely really....NOT - I hate sauna's I've never been a fan of sitting in a room full of steam, sweating my butt off. Just not my thing really, ironically I live in a city that makes you feel like that all summer long - I always have and probably always will.

Of course that amount of humidity means wonderful storms in the afternoon or evening, they are quite spectacular to watch, although now every time a storm hits I worry about my Mum, I just can't help it - for one whole week we were getting water out of her downstairs area. She is yet to have the Insurance assessors come over - I suspect they are quite busy - according to news.com.au the damage bill will likely exceed about $25 million (AU). She does have the phone on now - she was about 2 weeks without it, her pool is starting to look a lot better now - you still can't see the bottom much for all the silt and dirt! Dean spent a good 3 hours vacuuming it the other week and there is still a few hours to clean it up to go. Across the road from her house they have made the park into a green waste area - so all of the fallen trees were taken to that park. Now they have all been chipped and there is 4 piles of chips that are about 5m high by 5m wide and probably 10 long. It's quite a sight.

On Friday night - I was at breaking point - everything seemed to hit me all at once, it had actually been building up (as you can tell from my neurotic posts last week) and on Friday night a disaster in the bedroom made me break. I honestly felt like I was done like I couldnt keep going on with this infertility thing, but since getting it all out I've been feeling remarkably clear headed and not so stressed and anxious.

I'm still reading "An Empty Picture Frame" and I think that it is helping me - because the autor has so eloquently described how I have felt on so many occasions that I've never been able to put words too. If you are a fertile and know a fertile, I really reccomend you read this book to try to get a small understanding of how it can feel to be infertile. If you are an infertile and have not read the book - I highly reccomend you do. There are funny parts and sad parts but it has helped me to feel comfortable with being infertile, well, comfortable for now.

In other news, I'm CD16....still waiting to ovulate *insert eye rolling emoticon here* Ovulating on time has always been my fortay, sure there has been the odd cycle where it's been late, or early but for the most part - I've been a regular 'O'er' for a long time. Not now it seems. I'm glad I stuck it out with the OPKs this month - I've been doing them since CD10 getting light lines and I was worried that there was something seriously strange going on. The OPK I did today came back positive so I guess that means I'll ovulate sometime between now and CD18. Which means I don't know when I will get AF....which I hate. All my cycles since the lap have been 31 days, except for the last one which was 29 days. It will be interesting to see what happens this time round - I'll be placing my money on a 31 day cycle given my late ovulation....which means I'm not going have that much time to get over disapointment in time for Christams if I get my period. Anyhow, for now I'm still holding onto hope of giving all my family wrapped up positive HPTs for Christams.

Would you do it all again?

If someone told you, showed you, made you feel the lowest of the lows on this infertility journey? If you could go back in time would you choose this path all over again?

Sometimes I look at our wedding pictures and see just how happy we looked - we were so innocent, ready to start a family having no idea that infertility even existed, we had no idea 20 months down the track our marriage would not even come close to being what we thought. If it had all gone to plan we would have had a 9 month old by now and would be considering giving him or her a baby sister or brother.



But here were are still trying, each day infertility chips another little piece of happiness and hope away.


We had so many plans to choose from when we got married, we could have gone overseas to live and work but decided against that because Dean didn't want to leave his job here and not know what he would do when we came home.

We planned on renovating the house and moving into a bigger one - ready for our first baby.

We planned on traveling (we did do that at least!)

I wasn't going to look for a job or a permanent one at least because I was going to get pregnant and have a baby. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

On days like today when I'm not coping with infertility and everything is too much I reflect on the last 20 months and sometimes even the last 4 years and think I made all of the wrong choices. I think - if only someone showed me what it would be like to be infertile, would I choose this path - or would I have insisted on moving overseas and working on pursuing my career. Because of my own stupidity and naivety here I am; unemployed and infertile. An empty shell of a person with very little to live for in life.

I'm trying to change that - I'm trying to get back into university and change my career path - I'm trying to pull a few strings and get a job somewhere in the government doing something I'm passionate about, it will probably take a little while maybe 12 months -2 years to make things happen but at least I'll feel like I'm doing something. The saddest thing is I don't trust my instinct to make these decisions because everything I've decided in the last 4 years has turned out to be the wrong thing to do. I guess I just have to hope that after 4 years of bad decision making at some point one decision will be the right on for me.

So, would I do it all again?

At this point No, I would go back and change things.

Hopefully in 12 months I can tell you that having a baby is worth it and I wouldn't change it for the world and that I'd do it all again in an instant....Hopefully.

Take a chill pill Kirsten!

I really need some, anyone got any good ones they can recommend me?

My heart feels like it is in knots constantly this cycle. I think it is because I want it so much before Christmas that I'm all worked up about it. I seriously don't know how or if I will cope if I don't get pregnant this cycle. It is ridiculous - I'm sure my BP is sky high. I'm feeling tired and lethagic and like I can't do anything except for obsess over becoming pregnant.

I've tried listening to relaxation music and it works until my mind wanders onto imagining myself lying on the bed listening to the same music either with a baby by my side or while rubbing my pregnant belly.

I know this amount of stress and pressure isn't good for anyone - especially a person who needs to stay calm. Julie the FS said that the stress hormones are not good for me. I feel like I might explode soon. I know this post is all over the place but I just need to type to get everything out in the hope that it will help.

I'm feeling so guilty that I'm not doing much around the house at the moment I'm just having the worst time trying to get motivated to do anything because all I want to think about it making a baby. Then of course I convince myself until I am that perfect Stepford Wife I will be unable to concieve or maintain a pregnancy because I'm just not good enough yet.

I'm stressed that I will feel shitty on Christams Day and I'll be judged for not being in a jolly mood - I know someone will take it the wrong way if I'm not perky and happy and dancing around the Christmas tree.

I'm just so so so so sick of all of this crap and I'm sick of people not understanding and thinking that everything is going to be ok. Even when it is ok and I have a baby I will be a different person. I feel like I'll never be at peace with the fact that it wasnt easy to have a baby or that I had 2 miscarriages before a successful pregnancy. I feel frustrated that people who get pregnant the first go will never and can never fully comprehend just how lucky they are.

I know that Dean tells me just because they have it easy getting pregnant and having a baby it doesnt mean their life is perfect and I know that is true but I'm so jealous that they have that. I'm being consumed by jealousy and rage that other people have it so much easier than us.

So where am I in my cycle? Day 12, getting very very faint second lines on OPKs since day 10. I'm not sure if that is actually LH surging or if it is HcG leftovers - I wouldnt have thought it was possible to have them 5-6 weeks post m/c but I have heard that it can take that long for HcG levels to reach zero. Although that is unlikely given mine were so very low in the first place.

I'm also stressed that last time I got my BFP and then had my m/c I didn't go to the doctors at all and it's worrying me that something could still be wrong with me. But that is also illogical since I have bled twice since then - once being my period. TMI.....the sheer amount of blood I lost when I m/c'd was phenomenal so in all honesty there is no real reason for me to be stressing about it the way I am.

We've also decided that should I be fortunate to get pregnant again we will tell everyone from early on. I know you should wait until the 2nd trimester and past the 12 week mark but the way I figure (which is not always that logical!) is that we tell everyone about the miscarriages anyway and me not telling people and not being able to blog about it stresses me that someone will find out somehow. So next time I'm going to announce it to the world and tell people loud and proud that I am pregnant. I want to be able to say that instead of "we lost another baby"

Anyway that is me wrapped up in a nutshell for now. Someone pass me those chill pills!

I want him to be a Dad.

More than anything in the world, I would love Dean to be a father. My heart melts when I see him with other children - he is just so fun and loving with them.

My heart aches to see him rub my pregnant belly and hold our own newborn baby. I feel so guilty and like a giant failure that I've not been able to give him the joy of being a father yet.

This morning I asked him about his friend 'M' whose partner has been pestering him to have a baby for years but he has always said no. I said "Has M given in and started trying yet?" Dean's response "Do you really want to know?" I knew instantly that M and his partner must be pregnant and that Dean (for very good reason) had been keeping it a secret from me. I just started crying. For someone who isn't a crier I'm doing a pretty good job at it lately. Apparently M relented and decided to give trying a-go.

It broke my heart that Dean will see M be a father before he gets to be a father. I felt so sad for him that while I know he would have congratulated M on the inside he would have been thinking he wishes it was him that was being congratulated.

It makes me feel so sad that they will never appriciate how lucky they are that they got pregnant straight away. I'm angry how they have that joy about pregnancy and expecting their first child, that has been taken away from Dean and I.

Of course while I cried he said all of the right things like "I don't blame you, it's not your fault, it will happen for us one day" but it doesn't make me feel better at all. Because even though it's not intentionally my fault, it is still the fault of my body. Dean is confident that he can get me pregnant again, I wish I could be confident in staying pregnant though, I'm so scared that my body is going to let us down again.

It's my party - I'll cry if I want to!

Well it wasn't actually my party but I still cried!



It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,
cry if I want to, cry if I want to.
You would cry too if it happened to you....


It actually wasn't even a party - it was a meet up. A meet of women, their babies and some husbands from a forum I've been a member of since October 2006. It is a forum dedicated to TTC, pregnancy, birth and parenting. Anyway, a lot of the members from my city decided to meet up - I've met a few members one on one before and had no problems what so ever with their babies or their pregnant bellies.

Saturday's meet up was very very different. We got there early (about 20 minutes early) and at first that was fine, one other girl arrived with her 3 children and we chatted a little bit. Then 3 prams walked in (when I say 3 prams - I mean mothers pushing their prams!) and my bottom lip started to tremble - I took some deep breaths and had a few sips of my drink. I was right to go again, until, about 5 or 6 prams walked in, I sat in the corner like a stunned mullet, I didn't know where to look or what to do. A few people introduced themselves to me but when I said "I'm Kirsten" I got looks of pity along with no one knowing what to say other than "Ohhhh" and then they would talk to someone else. Then I saw my good friend tulli she mouthed across the room "How are you going" I got up hugged her and said "bad" and then started crying.

I feel so humiliated, I am not a crier. I don't even like crying in front of Dean, usually I save it for when he is not around, but on Saturday I was just overwhelmed by emotions and could'nt keep it in. Thank goodness tulli and Dean were there. Tulli chased me into the toilets and gave me a hug and a pep talk so I could go out and face the mases of babies.

The rush of emotions got me morbidly obsessed with where I should have been in my pregnancy and I counted it up when I got home, a stupid thing to do I know. I should be 20w5d by now - my baby would be kicking and squirming and I'd be able to find out if it was a boy or a girl. And here I am still barren - still unable to stay pregnant.

I hate that today is the 1st of December, because that means there is only 30 more days left of 2008, which means 31 days until 2009. Normally I am all for the New Year and the wonderful things the New Year can bring - but this year I am feeling a sense of dread that 2008 was not what I had hoped and was not what I had planned or imagined. I expected fertility problems for 2008 but I got more than I bargined for and certainly my fair share of problems. I'm scared that 2009 will only be more of the same, I'm scared about how much more I can be pushed to the limits, how much more our marriage can handle. I don't know what will I do if this time next year I'm still sitting in this room typing at a computer when it is supposed to be our babies nursery.