Nessun Dorma

Nessun Dorma

The only 2 words that take away my pain, well momentarily, but that is still such a huge relief.

I've been struggling the last few days, really struggling (You might have guessed that from my last post!?)

I've recently found out that 2 family members are due right near my EDD with Baby Woggie, I had lost count of where I should have been up to in my pregnancy, but with news of other family members you kind of start thinking about it. Well I did, so (stupidly) I counted how many weeks I should have been and since then I've been so so down about it. And reading or talking to people with babies about how terrible the lack of sleep is and other common baby problems just has really got me down.

I know they are well within their rights to complain, I do, I just wish they could realise that honestly there are worse things than a crying baby at 2am. I know I'm equally guilty of this, I'm sure there are people who read my blog that think "Sheesh, only 2 miscarriages and 19 months of TTC, that is nothing" and I'm aware of that, in terms of infertility, I don't have it that bad.


Anyway, back to Nessun Dorma...

Last night we went to the Opera to see Turandot, I know NOTHING about Opera, I'm not an Opera person at all, by any stretch of the imagination. However, our wedding song 'Nessun Dorma' comes from Turandot(and how that came to be our wedding song, really is a long story). So we went to see Turandot. I was in a foul mood and didnt want to go, I tried to curl my hair and look pretty in the hope of feeling better. One side curled the other stayed flat, so then I had to straighten it all. Because of this I had no time to put on any make up, so I looked normal, and not beautiful. When we got to the theater my high heel got caught in the lift door and broke and so I was feeling really peeved and really couldn't be arsed concentrating on a bunch of people singing in a language which I don't understand!

So Act I and Act II come and go, and then act 3 comes along and the character Calaf comes out and starts singing Nessun Dorma (made famous by Pavarotti) and as soon as the words "Nessun Dorma" were sung by the chorus before Calaf got into it, a wave of calm came over me, Mr Woggie gave my hand a little squeeze and I felt good, just for a few minutes, I felt okay.

So here it is for your (or my) enjoyment!
Nessun Dorma

The Green Eyed Monster

Is in full force right now. I'm feeling resentful, envious and very jealous. And I HATE feeling like this. I really don't want to feel like this at all, but I can't help it.

Simple things like seeing belly pictures in user avatars and pregnancy tickers are seriously hurting my heart. I'm reminded that today I should have been 16 weeks pregnant, yes 16 weeks and I'm not. I'm not even a little bit pregnant, not even possibly pregnant and it hurts so so much.

My heart breaks for Mr. Woggie, from our first date, I knew he wanted children, being a father was the one thing he wanted in life, he deserves to be a Dad so much, he will be a wonderful Dad. Instead he marries a mutant who firstly can't get pregnant but then who has back to back miscarriages.

It makes me angry for people to be so blase about being pregnant (I know, I need to stop reading and listening to people who talk about how terrible it is to be big and uncomfortable, I would happily swap with those people in a heartbeat, if they want to feel comfortable, seriously, I'll take away their pain. (I'm a generous lass!!!)

I wish it was one of life's little guarantee's, but sadly its not :( I'm reminded of that by seeing my Mum's best friend, after many failed IVF cycles they are childless and it makes me so scared that could be me.

How it has been different this time.

I thought, when I started to miscarry 'At least I know what to expect this time' How wrong I was! Nothing at all has been the same.

Last time I got minor cramping accompanied by heavy bleeding, but emotionally I was a wreck.

This time, my miscarriage kicked off with 1 day of spotting (it was 4 days last time) accompanied by vomiting on and off on Friday. The cramps this time lasted for 3 whole days. With really really heavy bleeding. And by the looks of it the bleeding will last a lot longer than last time too.

Emotionally, I'm doing ok. Although I'm scared because I was doing ok at this point last time too. And emotionally I'm not over the loss of Baby Woggie, so I don't know if I've even comprehended this loss yet. I'm feeling a lot more angry, bitter and twisted and frustrated now.

Last time, I felt positive that I could get pregnant, it was a miracle and that was my silver lining. This time I can't find a silver lining, sure I can get pregnant, but that means nothing when you can't stay pregnant.

I think my body is giving up, I've got a horrible head cold, it really is telling me to take a break from it all. So I'm going to listen. I've shut down my FF account for now so I can't obsess over which CD I am on. I want to get some romance and love happening with Mr. Woggie again, hopefully not actively TTC will help us get that back.

Thank you to everyone for all of their lovely comments in my last post, it is so nice to know that I have all of you.

Let me tell you about my week....

To cut along story short, I was pregnant, We were really happy, but then I thought I wasn't pregnant, so we were really sad, then I thought I was pregnant (my symptoms started coming back) then yesterday I started bleeding, vomiting and having really bad cramps, so now I am not pregnant anymore. I was 5w1d along, so I didn't even make it past 5w5d.

Emotionally I am just exhausted, if I was allowed to sleep for a month, I think I could do it happily, if I could become a hermit, I would.

So where to from here? A break, at least until the New Year, then we will reassess.

Thank you to the people who have supported me over the last few days and thank you to EndoBaby for writing about me on her blog :D

A dedication to my wonderful husband

We have had a really shitty week, a week from hell would probably come close to describing it (and I will write more on that later) but my husband has been amazing and continues to amaze me with the love he feels for me.

This morning he came home and gave me these



And I found this little verse on the internet a long time ago, I don't know who wrote it or where it comes from but it says exactly what I want to say..


More than I Love You

I want to say more than just "I LOVE YOU"

Sometimes I need to tell you you’re the love I live for , you’re my dreams made into reality.

Yours are the arms that hold me close, and it is the sunshine that brings a ray of sunshine to even the darkest days.

You are the one who tells me to keep believing in myself, in you, and in us.

You have become a part of me I could never live without.

The worst thing you can say to an infertile.....

Ok so there are a whole list of things you can say to an infertile, and I won't list them because you all know what they are (but feel free to add your horror stories here!)

I was talking to a friend the other night and her best friend (who is a guy)had a baby (well his wife did - but you know what I mean, I've heard my freind mention this particular friend of hers maybe a handful of times and I knew that they were expecting a baby soon, and I asked if it had been born yet. Yes was the answer and then came something out of the blue, I was not expecting....

"Why don't you come and visit them with me when I go in the next few days"

I was stunned, shocked, horrified and mortified.

Not only do I not know this person from a bar of soap and it would be highly inappropriate for me to go and visit their brand new baby... BUT I struggle with the arrival of babies from the people that I like and love, it breaks my heart seeing them, because it is what I would die to have, but it would be made a billion times worse seeing it from a random person who I don't know and who does not know me.

Now that I'm writing this out, I feel like maybe I have over reacted, and maybe I have, I didn't say that to her of course, I just made up a dumb excuse. But I feel hurt that a friend can completely ignore that I am infertile and we even had a conversation about it the other day.

Friendship Award

I've been tagged, for the first time ever for the friendship award by
Yaya Stuff


Thank you so so so much Alicia, it means so much to know that I've done something to help you. Your support has been amazing too me over the last little while, can I tag you back? I have no idea how this works but I'll give it my best shot!

So the questions, if I have tagged you are (just cut and paste and answer them on your blog!)

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
Not really, I have 1 friend who I have known since I was 6 years old and another who I've known since the first day of high school, all the rest are new friends made from university and infertility groups.

2. What do you value most about your friends?
Their support and understanding through the hardest times of my life.

3. Are your friends sounding boards?
Absolutely! They listen to me whinge and whine endlessly!

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends?
Watching movies and eating chocolate. A few drinks no and then never goes astray either!!!

I'm tagging...
Endo Baby
Just Me
Oh Emily
Murgdan
Cara