At all the support I have received from my last post. I would never in my wildest dreams have thought that I could get more support from people I will probably never meet than the people that know me in real life. Although some of my real life friends have commented, I do appriciate you ladies, more than I can express in words.
I've made Iron Commentor!!! I finished on Friday, lucky I did because I haven't been on the computer since!!! I'll write about who I commented on, on which day and all about the Oktoberfest later.
I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who has gone out of their way to share a story with me or to simply give me a hug and to say sorry for my loss.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Just when I start feeling ok.
I realise that it's only 1 week until I was supposed to be 12 weeks into my pregnancy and I was supposed to be having my first scan next week, and it hurts my heart, a lot. Please someone tell me that it will get easier around all the mile stones to do with my pregnancy that will never be? Please someone tell me that I'll be pregnant before too long and it will all be a painful memory and it will stop hurting my heart.
When I first found out I was pregnant and figured out the date that I would be 12 weeks (1st of October), it seemed like a life time away that I would have to wait for that first scan and for that first milestone to get here. And now I look back and think how fast it has gone and how it was not really that long to begin with. Now here I am supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant today and I'm no closer to being pregnant that I was 18 months ago.
I just want to stop feeling pain all the time. I don't want to forget Baby Woggie, but I want it to stop hurting.
I didn't want to post this because I'm really trying hard to stay positive and happy, but I just needed to get it out.
When I first found out I was pregnant and figured out the date that I would be 12 weeks (1st of October), it seemed like a life time away that I would have to wait for that first scan and for that first milestone to get here. And now I look back and think how fast it has gone and how it was not really that long to begin with. Now here I am supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant today and I'm no closer to being pregnant that I was 18 months ago.
I just want to stop feeling pain all the time. I don't want to forget Baby Woggie, but I want it to stop hurting.
I didn't want to post this because I'm really trying hard to stay positive and happy, but I just needed to get it out.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Ich bin ein kartoffel kopf!
Well not really! That means 'I am a potato head' in German, and tragically it's just about the only thing I can say in German!! It's needless to say that I was not at all good at breaking down language barriers when we were in Germany in April this year!
I love love love Germany, which is a good thing considering my husband's father is German/Yugoslav and he (FIL) loves anything to do with Germany. So being that it is Oktoberfest this weekend (even though it is September, I don't understand it either!) Mr. Woggie's parents are coming up here to go to the Oktoberfest. There will be much beer, kartoffeln, and yodelling. It should be a great day and I'll be sure to take some photos for you all too see!
But in the meantime I'd like to share some photos of our Germany holiday (we also went to Russia, Italy, Austria and Switzerland) but since it is Oktoberfest I'll only show you the German ones (remind me to show you the others sometime).
The time we spent in Europe was wonderful, we found ourselves again, we were oblivious to the world of IF and what we couldnt achieve, even getting my period in Switzerland wasnt that bad. It was to be the holiday where we made our baby, but honestly those 5 weeks we were away were the best of my life, I could go days without thinking of babies.
Anyway it was a wonderful time in our lives, without a doubt the happiest 5 weeks of my life, without further ado here are some Germany pictures....
Schloss Hohenschwangau
Schloss Neuschwanstein
Brandenberg Gate
Holocaust Memorial - Berlin
Berlin Wall
Green Beer in Berlin - Introduced by the French because the German beer was too bitter for them!
One foot in East Berlin and One Foot in West Berlin
Frankfurt Train Station - One of the fast trains we went on!
Old Part of Frankfurt, most of Frankfurt was bombed in WWII
River Main in Frankfurt
I love love love Germany, which is a good thing considering my husband's father is German/Yugoslav and he (FIL) loves anything to do with Germany. So being that it is Oktoberfest this weekend (even though it is September, I don't understand it either!) Mr. Woggie's parents are coming up here to go to the Oktoberfest. There will be much beer, kartoffeln, and yodelling. It should be a great day and I'll be sure to take some photos for you all too see!
But in the meantime I'd like to share some photos of our Germany holiday (we also went to Russia, Italy, Austria and Switzerland) but since it is Oktoberfest I'll only show you the German ones (remind me to show you the others sometime).
The time we spent in Europe was wonderful, we found ourselves again, we were oblivious to the world of IF and what we couldnt achieve, even getting my period in Switzerland wasnt that bad. It was to be the holiday where we made our baby, but honestly those 5 weeks we were away were the best of my life, I could go days without thinking of babies.
Anyway it was a wonderful time in our lives, without a doubt the happiest 5 weeks of my life, without further ado here are some Germany pictures....
Schloss Hohenschwangau
Schloss Neuschwanstein
Brandenberg Gate
Holocaust Memorial - Berlin
Berlin Wall
Green Beer in Berlin - Introduced by the French because the German beer was too bitter for them! 
One foot in East Berlin and One Foot in West Berlin
Frankfurt Train Station - One of the fast trains we went on!
Old Part of Frankfurt, most of Frankfurt was bombed in WWII
River Main in Frankfurt
Monday, September 22, 2008
Mummy?
Today I was thinking and I remembered reading a thread on a forum I frequent about when you become a Mum. There was a lot of discussion about it. Some said that you are a mother from the moment of conception others said not until the baby is born.
I don't know where I stand. *If* you consider motherhood starts from the moment of conception, what happens when you have a miscarriage? Do you get un-mumed, or do you stay as a mum. I'd like to consider myself a mother from the moment of conception and possibly if I was still pregnant I would be referring to myself as Mumma Woggie and not Mrs. Woggie.
I guess "physically" you are not a mother until you give birth to a baby, but I've carried a little live one inside me (albeit unsuccessfully and only for a very short time) but still enough.
So from dictionary.com
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - [muhth
-er] –noun
–adjective
–verb (used with object)
–verb (used without object)
—Idiom
I guess in some form of the word I can be classified as a mother, paying particular attention to
9.something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
and
17.to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.
I most certinaly did exercise protecting care over Baby Woggie, I was more careful of what went into my body than I have ever been at any other time of my life. Coffee went, chocolate went, anything that wasn't grown out of the ground and freshly prepared by me, for me went out the window. So according to that I could be classed as a mother.
I also acted maternally toward Baby Woggie I sang to him or her, I talked to him or her and said goodnight to him or her, told him or how much I was in love with them.
I don't feel like a mother though, I failed in keeping my baby healthy and alive, and I have nothing that looks and me and gives me love. So I guess I'm not really a mother, not yet anyway.
I'd be interested in hearing other opinions on this.
I don't know where I stand. *If* you consider motherhood starts from the moment of conception, what happens when you have a miscarriage? Do you get un-mumed, or do you stay as a mum. I'd like to consider myself a mother from the moment of conception and possibly if I was still pregnant I would be referring to myself as Mumma Woggie and not Mrs. Woggie.
I guess "physically" you are not a mother until you give birth to a baby, but I've carried a little live one inside me (albeit unsuccessfully and only for a very short time) but still enough.
So from dictionary.com
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - [muhth
-er] –noun | 1. | a female parent. |
| 2. | (often initial capital letter) one's female parent. |
| 3. | a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother. |
| 4. | a term of address for a female parent or a woman having or regarded as having the status, function, or authority of a female parent. |
| 5. | a term of familiar address for an old or elderly woman. |
| 6. | mother superior. |
| 7. | a woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone. |
| 8. | the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself. |
| 9. | something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source. |
| 10. | (in disc recording) a mold from which stampers are made. |
| 11. | being a mother: a mother bird. |
| 12. | of, pertaining to, or characteristic of a mother: mother love. |
| 13. | derived from or as if from one's mother; native: his mother culture. |
| 14. | bearing a relation like that of a mother, as in being the origin, source, or protector: the mother company and its affiliates; the mother computer and its network of terminals. |
| 15. | to be the mother of; give origin or rise to. |
| 16. | to acknowledge oneself the author of; assume as one's own. |
| 17. | to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward. |
| 18. | to perform the tasks or duties of a female parent; act maternally: a woman with a need to mother. |
| 19. | mother of all, the greatest or most notable example of: the mother of all mystery novels. |
I guess in some form of the word I can be classified as a mother, paying particular attention to
9.something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something else; origin or source.
and
17.to care for or protect like a mother; act maternally toward.
I most certinaly did exercise protecting care over Baby Woggie, I was more careful of what went into my body than I have ever been at any other time of my life. Coffee went, chocolate went, anything that wasn't grown out of the ground and freshly prepared by me, for me went out the window. So according to that I could be classed as a mother.
I also acted maternally toward Baby Woggie I sang to him or her, I talked to him or her and said goodnight to him or her, told him or how much I was in love with them.
I don't feel like a mother though, I failed in keeping my baby healthy and alive, and I have nothing that looks and me and gives me love. So I guess I'm not really a mother, not yet anyway.
I'd be interested in hearing other opinions on this.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Super Woman
I wanted to post again today, because everything I've been writing lately has been negative and I'm beginning to think that all my negative thinking is making me feel more negative. In the past I've been strong, remarkably strong and through some less than lovely experiences too.
The song "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys is slowly becoming a favourite of mine (it was bound to, I'm a huge Alicia fan). And I was listening to it at the gym yesterday, really listening to the lyrics and realised that it is one of those songs that "speaks to me"
So now I'm going to tell you about my Superwoman moments and why I will overcome infertility.
1. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. Only about 5 people in my life know that. I was sexually abused by my cousin who used to "baby sit me" from the age of 6-13. I never told a single person until I was 19 years old. When I told my mum when I was 19, it all came rushing back to me, I would relive the abuse. But I survived, I got one and I moved on and I am okay about it now. I can see my cousin and I can be polite and I don't panic and I don't fall into a mess.
2. I survived a horrific parental separation, my father had an affair (or many) from when I was about 6 years old until he was found out when I was 16 years old. It tore my family apart, it was not nice, but I survived that too.
3. I was in a nasty relationship for about 3 years and then he broke my heart it took me about 2 years to get over it, he was the man I planned to marry, but I survived.
4. My cousin died of complications from chicken pox and left 3 children under 4 years old. I helped her husband tell her 4 year old son that "Mummy was not coming home from the hospital" the saddest moment of my life thus far, but I survived.
5. I went to TAFE and then University to be a teacher for 5 years to finish my degree to find there is an over supply of teachers where I live, I get depressed about my constant unemployment and never ending job searching and the way I can't help out financially, I've survived this for 4 years and will continue to survive.
6. I'm now facing IF with endo, PCO and a disagreeable uterus, a recent miscarriage, my marriage being torn in all directions I don't feel like I'm going to survive, but I'm determined to survive.
This might seem like a negative post because I've just listed the 6 worst things to happen in my life but honestly it is a positive thing, I've come through all of these experience, each of them has made me the person I am today. If I wasn't the person I am today, I don't know if I would have my wonderful husband, I wouldn't have my wonderful IF friends, who although I wish I never had to meet under such awful circumstances, I'm glad I have.
IF will make me cherish my baby more than non IF person will ever understand, those sleepless nights, that morning sickness I will be grateful for it all.
To all my fellow IF girls, to all the people who have had a miscarriage, to me you are all Super Women, you get up each day and try again, against all the odds. It takes a special person to be able to do that. I dedicate this to you all.
Alicia Keys - Superwoman.
Lyrics
The song "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys is slowly becoming a favourite of mine (it was bound to, I'm a huge Alicia fan). And I was listening to it at the gym yesterday, really listening to the lyrics and realised that it is one of those songs that "speaks to me"
So now I'm going to tell you about my Superwoman moments and why I will overcome infertility.
1. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. Only about 5 people in my life know that. I was sexually abused by my cousin who used to "baby sit me" from the age of 6-13. I never told a single person until I was 19 years old. When I told my mum when I was 19, it all came rushing back to me, I would relive the abuse. But I survived, I got one and I moved on and I am okay about it now. I can see my cousin and I can be polite and I don't panic and I don't fall into a mess.
2. I survived a horrific parental separation, my father had an affair (or many) from when I was about 6 years old until he was found out when I was 16 years old. It tore my family apart, it was not nice, but I survived that too.
3. I was in a nasty relationship for about 3 years and then he broke my heart it took me about 2 years to get over it, he was the man I planned to marry, but I survived.
4. My cousin died of complications from chicken pox and left 3 children under 4 years old. I helped her husband tell her 4 year old son that "Mummy was not coming home from the hospital" the saddest moment of my life thus far, but I survived.
5. I went to TAFE and then University to be a teacher for 5 years to finish my degree to find there is an over supply of teachers where I live, I get depressed about my constant unemployment and never ending job searching and the way I can't help out financially, I've survived this for 4 years and will continue to survive.
6. I'm now facing IF with endo, PCO and a disagreeable uterus, a recent miscarriage, my marriage being torn in all directions I don't feel like I'm going to survive, but I'm determined to survive.
This might seem like a negative post because I've just listed the 6 worst things to happen in my life but honestly it is a positive thing, I've come through all of these experience, each of them has made me the person I am today. If I wasn't the person I am today, I don't know if I would have my wonderful husband, I wouldn't have my wonderful IF friends, who although I wish I never had to meet under such awful circumstances, I'm glad I have.
IF will make me cherish my baby more than non IF person will ever understand, those sleepless nights, that morning sickness I will be grateful for it all.
To all my fellow IF girls, to all the people who have had a miscarriage, to me you are all Super Women, you get up each day and try again, against all the odds. It takes a special person to be able to do that. I dedicate this to you all.
Alicia Keys - Superwoman.
Lyrics
ICLW - Kicks off today!!!
And I'm going to try my hardest to become an Iron Commenter, the way I see it there are 121 participants this month so that is an average of 17.something comments a day, so we will round that up to 18 and I SHOULD be able to do it. Thank goodness it is school holidays is all I can say and that Mr. Woggie is on night shift this week!
I'm starting to get anxious about TTC, ridiculously anxious. I know we probably shouldn't TTC when I'm feeling like this, but I can't not TTC because of the endo, the FS was adamant that October was the latest she wanted us to do it alone, so having a break is not really an option for us. I just wish I could be a normal person and just have enjoyable great sex with my husband and get pregnant. But I can't even think about sex being enjoyable and fun anymore, and that makes me so so so angry. Does it get better? I mean when you are pregnant or have had a child (apart from not wanting to have sex or being too tired) does sex stop being about making a baby and about enjoying being intimate? Or is it one of those things that will constantly remind me of TTC our first child.
I'm trying to do things like; paying no attention to what CD I am up to and not writing down in my dairy a possible test date, and I'm not going to be so strict with the philosophy of having sex every other day from day 10 to 18. So hopefully those little things will make things slightly better for me and help cure my anxiety. It's kind of ironic how when I was in my first relationship everytime my boyfriend and I had sex I was hoping to god that the condom wouldnt break and if it did that the pill would work. My, how times change.
I'm starting to get anxious about TTC, ridiculously anxious. I know we probably shouldn't TTC when I'm feeling like this, but I can't not TTC because of the endo, the FS was adamant that October was the latest she wanted us to do it alone, so having a break is not really an option for us. I just wish I could be a normal person and just have enjoyable great sex with my husband and get pregnant. But I can't even think about sex being enjoyable and fun anymore, and that makes me so so so angry. Does it get better? I mean when you are pregnant or have had a child (apart from not wanting to have sex or being too tired) does sex stop being about making a baby and about enjoying being intimate? Or is it one of those things that will constantly remind me of TTC our first child.
I'm trying to do things like; paying no attention to what CD I am up to and not writing down in my dairy a possible test date, and I'm not going to be so strict with the philosophy of having sex every other day from day 10 to 18. So hopefully those little things will make things slightly better for me and help cure my anxiety. It's kind of ironic how when I was in my first relationship everytime my boyfriend and I had sex I was hoping to god that the condom wouldnt break and if it did that the pill would work. My, how times change.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
One month today
Since we lost Baby Woggie. I can't believe it, it has gone so fast. It feels like it was years ago but that it only happened just last week.
Ironically, I got my period this morning. I feel ok about that. I knew that I wasn't going to get pregnant from an "accident" I was quietly hoping I was, but I knew that I wouldn't, so now we are back to square one, or rather cycle day one.
I honestly (and it feel so ridiculous saying this) don't know if I am more scared of not getting pregnant again or getting pregnant again. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage and I know I shouldn't even worry about that until or if it happens again, but I just can't help it.
Don't get me wrong. I want to get pregnant again, I had a dream last night I had a baby belly (it was so lovely) but I'm so annoyed that IF and a miscarriage has taken away my desire to be able to enjoy pregnancy.
Ironically, I got my period this morning. I feel ok about that. I knew that I wasn't going to get pregnant from an "accident" I was quietly hoping I was, but I knew that I wouldn't, so now we are back to square one, or rather cycle day one.
I honestly (and it feel so ridiculous saying this) don't know if I am more scared of not getting pregnant again or getting pregnant again. I don't know if I could handle another miscarriage and I know I shouldn't even worry about that until or if it happens again, but I just can't help it.
Don't get me wrong. I want to get pregnant again, I had a dream last night I had a baby belly (it was so lovely) but I'm so annoyed that IF and a miscarriage has taken away my desire to be able to enjoy pregnancy.
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