The hope is back..

Which is a kind of nice feeling. On Sunday, I bought a pattern with baby clothes and bibs and a nappy make to make, which I WILL start on one day when I am 12 weeks pregnant. On the other hand having hope is scary, really scary. It seems so much easier when I get AF if I have totally tuned out to it and have no feeling at all. Having hope means it does hurt more when I get AF.

I've got so much hope at the moment I did something today I haven't done for months. Discussed baby names with Mr Woggie. We even started making a little list, which you can see on the left hand side. Why are we coming up with baby names now, when there is such a small chance that I will get pregnant. Well because we simply don't agree on names for our future children. In fact we couldn't even come up with a name for our dog that we both liked and he was nameless for days and referred to as "Puppy" I wanted to call him "Jimmy" and Mr Woggie wanted to call him "Diesel" in the end he got named "Ozzie" because we met on Australia Day and at the time it seemed fitting but I'm not sure either of us really liked the name it was just the only name we could agree on. And after ALL of that we couldn't decide how to spell it so we let the vet nurse chose the spelling, so he became "Ozzie" which really should be spelled "Aussie" if it was to fit the day of our meeting theme.

Mr Woggie likes names like Sarah, not that there is anything wrong with that BUT I have two best friends called Sarah so having 3 Sarah's in my life would probably be a little bit too much to handle. I could cope however, when you talk to someone and you say "I saw Sarah the other day and blah, blah, blah" you always have to explain which Sarah you are talking about, of course I know which Sarah I'm talking about but no one ever does. So a daughter with the same name is out of the question. I like names a little bit different like Michaela however as you can see from the list, it didn't even make it. Boys names...We'll the list is a little short on boys names, we don't do so well with boys names, we have 2. 1 of which I don't "love" not that it matters right now because obviously I have 9 + months to find names I love.

Another one bites the dust.....

*Sigh* a friend told me she is pregnant with her second today "After a long time TTC" Hmmm, her first is less than a year old so they can't have been at it that long, surely? I could feel my eyeballs burning holes in her head I was staring at her so hard, scared that if I would blink, I would break down into one of those "Why not me" moments.

On top of that we got another $1049 bill from the hospital, I still haven't parted with the $998 we owe them from last week. They will just have to wait, the money is all that I control in my life at the moment so for now it is staying in my pocket.

We are going away for the weekend, to the IL's I love, love, love them but I know because I haven t talked to them or seen them since the operation it is going to be 101 questions and I don't know if I have that in me right now, something tells me I do, some how I always manage to find whatever it is I need to pull it together to act happy around other people. I'm starting to think of myself as a fake.

I'm in the TWW, or at least I think I am in the TWW. I don't hold out much hope we have done the deed twice but I don't know if it was the right time or not, I must have had some hope on Sunday because I went into a fabric store and bought a pattern for baby clothes. They are so cute, and I know that if...I mean WHEN the time comes and I do make the cloths for my baby, it will look dreadful, but I don't care because a. by the time this child is born we will have no money left from trying to make it, haha! and b. because they will be made with all the love I hold in my heart for my not yet conceived baby.

I AM lucky.

I've been feeling down lately, very down. But last night while sipping a tutty fruitty daiquiri waiting for an ACDC tribute group to perform, I realised that I do have some great things in my life.

I have an amazing husband, who is my best friend in the entire world, he has supported my decision not to work this year, but worked his little (yes very little) bottom off to take me on a 5 week trip of a life time to Europe.

I have a supportive and wonderful mother, who despite her not very good financial state can manage to give us $1000 to help with the costs of surgery. And very very wonderful parents in law who have supported us financially and emotionally. My dad despite being an absent father growing up has even been great since I told him about our problems.

My friends from real life and on the internet really have helped me survive this.

I'm lucky that it is not worse, it is only me with the fertility problems, Dean's sperm is great which gives us a good chance.

So, if you ever hear me doing a "woe is me" post please kindly remind me I have great things in my life.

On the other front, we did have sex. And now I am as nervous as hell! I know I am due to ovulate sometime this weekend so I guess here I am in my first TWW. I have hope, which scares me because falling when you have hope hurts more than when you have no hope. But I guess this time I am right to have hope, they've cleared out the endo, freed my ovary. Maybe, just maybe this time it will happen.

SEX!!

Now the reason I did come to post today, SEX. Who would have thunk that the decision to have sex again would be difficult. I've got huge mixed feelings about "doing it" I want to, because it has been AGES and when I say ages I mean possibly the longest time we have ever gone without doing the deed (apart from that time I lived 800kms away) . Poor Mr. Woggie must be suffering, he says he is ok and that the longer it goes on the easier it is. The other reason I don't want to do it is that I am scared, well petrified that if I don't get knocked up by doing the deed the normal way that most animals procreate, where to from there. I don't think I can handle the disappointment. Everyone is telling me that now I've had the op that it will just happen, for some reason I can't stop feeling cynical. Maybe because all of the advice from fertiles thus far, has got me no where "relax" "just go on a holiday" and "be positive" have all failed me thus far.

There is nothing more I want that to "relax" and forget about the whole thing, goodness knows I did try to forget about it by going on a holiday to Europe, to Russia of all places, we could hardly get further away from our humble little down under abode and yet nothing. Being positive, is easier said than done in the current situation.

This does sound dreadful, it sounds like I don't appriciate the support from the fertiles, I do, I just need more than the suggestions that get everyone else up the duff.

I thought I posted about this....

But it seems somewhere in my druggededness last week, I lost it or didn't actually write it at all!!

The operation went well. It went longer for expected which just means that the costs I was talking about last week have increased by about double what we thought. BUT it was worth it I am told. My insides were not so great. My bowel was stuck to my left ovary they were tangled infact and then the both of them were stuck to the side of my body. It took me a while to wake up and recover but now I'm feeling pretty good. The worst part was the rib and shoulder tip pain. Now I just have little twinges here and there.

$$$$

The dollars just keep on slowly disappearing. The operation is going to cost about $5000. Each appointment with Julie costs about $80, Mr Woggie's SA cost $120. I could go on and on and on, the scary thing is it's not over yet. I desperately hope that we don't need IVF, Mr Woggie says not to worry about the money but I know he only says that to make me feel better because he really is worrying.

People always said that the first year of marriage is tough, compared to the last few months that was nothing!! I think people should say infertility is tough on your marriage. I'm sure those that have experienced do say that.

Lately I have been trying to imagine what our bub will look like, when it will be born, how I will announce the news to Mr Woggie. Mr Woggie came up with a nick name for the baby when it is in my tummy, he wants to call it "Bun" which I think is really cute. Cause it will be our Bun in the oven!

I've been feeling uneasy about the Op but there is nothing I can do about it, it is unavoidable. I was hoping I'd get a last minute reprieve by getting pregnant but obviously that wasn't meant to be. I'm coping ok at the moment (and this will sound terrible) because I have no newly pregnant friends who have only been trying for a few months, but I am assuming it is only a matter of time until that happens.

Anyway I could write and write but I've got to go and pay a bill!

After the second appointment...

The results are in and we were both given a clean bill of health (as far as our blood tests and Mr Woggie's sperm is concerned). Julie explained the plan of action from here on in while we waited for the op, which was going to be the dye studies (on my tubes to make sure they are not all blocked) and then we would proceed with artificial insemination. We asked Julie if instead of waiting until the end of this year or the beginning of next year for my operation in the public system if she could perform it for me in the private system, she said that was not a problem.

She then went on to explain the procedure and all the associated risks and then send us out to book the operation with her grumpy receptionist Rosa. We initially were going to book it in for the 2nd of July but then she realised she had a vacancy next Friday (YES, Friday the 13th of June).

So it is all systems go from here. I've been given the quotes and it is going to cost about $4200. So this time next week I'll probably be in an operation zonked out!

After that we will give it a go au natural for a few months and if that doesnt work it looks like plan b will be put into action.