It's my party - I'll cry if I want to!

Well it wasn't actually my party but I still cried!



It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,
cry if I want to, cry if I want to.
You would cry too if it happened to you....


It actually wasn't even a party - it was a meet up. A meet of women, their babies and some husbands from a forum I've been a member of since October 2006. It is a forum dedicated to TTC, pregnancy, birth and parenting. Anyway, a lot of the members from my city decided to meet up - I've met a few members one on one before and had no problems what so ever with their babies or their pregnant bellies.

Saturday's meet up was very very different. We got there early (about 20 minutes early) and at first that was fine, one other girl arrived with her 3 children and we chatted a little bit. Then 3 prams walked in (when I say 3 prams - I mean mothers pushing their prams!) and my bottom lip started to tremble - I took some deep breaths and had a few sips of my drink. I was right to go again, until, about 5 or 6 prams walked in, I sat in the corner like a stunned mullet, I didn't know where to look or what to do. A few people introduced themselves to me but when I said "I'm Kirsten" I got looks of pity along with no one knowing what to say other than "Ohhhh" and then they would talk to someone else. Then I saw my good friend tulli she mouthed across the room "How are you going" I got up hugged her and said "bad" and then started crying.

I feel so humiliated, I am not a crier. I don't even like crying in front of Dean, usually I save it for when he is not around, but on Saturday I was just overwhelmed by emotions and could'nt keep it in. Thank goodness tulli and Dean were there. Tulli chased me into the toilets and gave me a hug and a pep talk so I could go out and face the mases of babies.

The rush of emotions got me morbidly obsessed with where I should have been in my pregnancy and I counted it up when I got home, a stupid thing to do I know. I should be 20w5d by now - my baby would be kicking and squirming and I'd be able to find out if it was a boy or a girl. And here I am still barren - still unable to stay pregnant.

I hate that today is the 1st of December, because that means there is only 30 more days left of 2008, which means 31 days until 2009. Normally I am all for the New Year and the wonderful things the New Year can bring - but this year I am feeling a sense of dread that 2008 was not what I had hoped and was not what I had planned or imagined. I expected fertility problems for 2008 but I got more than I bargined for and certainly my fair share of problems. I'm scared that 2009 will only be more of the same, I'm scared about how much more I can be pushed to the limits, how much more our marriage can handle. I don't know what will I do if this time next year I'm still sitting in this room typing at a computer when it is supposed to be our babies nursery.